Monday, May 11, 2015

5 Ways to Develop Your Psychic Mom Abilities

"Have you been playing in my office?"

The Ginger stared at me blankly. Slowly, he shook his head.

"Really? You haven't been playing in my office? At my desk, maybe?"

He took a huge swallow. Slowly shook his head again.

"Are you lying to me right now?"

At that moment, he broke. "Yes, Mom, I was in your office. I was just spinning around in the office chair. I didn't touch anything, I promise! How did you know? I did it when you were in the shower."

"Because I'm psychic. All moms are psychic. We know what our kids are doing at ALL times. Got it?"

The Ginger, eyes wide, hung his head and nodded that he understood. Then he ran off to his room.

This is probably one of my favorite parts of being a mom. How did I know The Ginger had been in my office, downstairs, in the front part of my house, when I was upstairs, taking a shower, in the back part of my house? Am I truly psychic?

That time I dreamed the Pick 3 winning lottery numbers would prove yes. And yes, I played them, but they came up in a different order than what I played, and I had played 'Exact Order' like a dumbass. The clerk at the gas station, however, when I told him my story of how I dreamed the numbers, played them 'Any Order' and won $500 bucks off me. Asshat.

Anyway, no, I'm not psychic. The seat height on my office chair is adjustable, so when I sat down on it, and was about 4 inches too high for my desk, I knew the spinning-chair-loving Ginger had been having quite a fun time while I was otherwise occupied.

Am I ever going to tell The Ginger my secret? Hell no. Kids thinking their moms are psychic has
been going on since the dawn of motherhood. It's one of the ways we keep one step ahead of our children, and always keep them on their toes.

And it's hella fun, too.

Being a mom of somewhat older kids- 13 and 10, I know there are some new moms out there who would love to know how to develop their Psychic Mom Abilities, and I can actually help with that!
  1. Make Note of Everything- Just like the height of my office chair, in order to "develop" your Psychic Mom Abilities, you have to make a mental note of just about everything- how your desk/bedside table/dresser is set up, bookshelves (especially if you keep some smutty romance novels around- curious children get to that age where they might want to see what's so good about that book with the half naked dude on the front that mommy keeps reading late at night), nicknack arrangements, exact placement of the scissors in the drawer or holder, how the video game controllers were last put down- stuff like that. Not dusting is a great way to easily help identify things that have been moved out of place (so, there's your excuse the next time Hubby asks why you haven't dusted in a while- you tell him you are developing your Psychic Mom Abilities... he'll shut up, I promise...). Once you start to CSI-level-investigate the things around you, you'll easily be able to tell when the children messed with something. Then you can call them out on it, state, "I'm psychic" when the look of utter confusion crosses their faces, wondering how in the world you knew, and then drop the mic and walk away. 
  2. Know Their Patterns- In a way, you have to stalk your children. When they are being quiet in their rooms, you must peek in on them to see what they are doing. When they go to make a bowl of cereal for breakfast, you must watch their every move. When they say they are going upstairs to brush their teeth before bed, you must listen intently and see how much time goes by. All of this comes in handy later on. When The Ginger is simply playing with Legos in his room, he leaves the door open or at least slightly ajar- something I noticed when I was simply observing his patterns one day. When I see his door completely closed, I know he's doing something he's not supposed to be doing. When the milk has been left out on the counter after breakfast, I know which one of my kids is the culprit because I previously observed their morning patterns and who always left the milk out then. And I know how long each kid takes to brush their teeth, so when they come downstairs a minute early, I know they didn't actually brush their teeth. Knowing your kids' everyday patterns and behaviors helps to call them out when something is out of the ordinary.
  3. If They are Super Quiet, They Are Probably Doing Something They Aren't Supposed To Be Doing- This is just a rule of thumb to keep in mind from the moment your kids start moving around on their own. There's nothing like hearing nothing, throwing the door open to the kids drawing on walls, and have them say, "But we were being so quiet, how did you know?" Exactly, kids, exactly. Oh, and I'm psychic.
  4. Understand Where Your Kids Come From- You have to understand that your kids are an offshoot of you, so if you did it/thought about doing it, chances are, they probably have, too. Your older kid late for their curfew? What were you doing at their age when you were late for your curfew? Thinking like yourself can sometimes be the key to furthering your Psychic Mom Abilities. No need to tell them you did the same thing where you were their age- just leave it a mystery after stating "I'm psychic."
  5. Employ the Help of Psychic Tools- Younger siblings are great for this. Give them a cookie or extra $1 in their allowance, and they'll be happy to share just about anything they heard/saw/found about their older sibling. This does run the risk of the older sibling knowing their younger sibling ratted them out (older siblings have that psychic ability), so use with caution. Also use psychic tools such as GPS trackers on phones and keystroke programs on computers with caution, as well. These are amazing tools for knowing what your older kids are doing without their knowledge, but they should only be used in extreme cases, as they do throw trust and personal rights out of the window. On a much milder note, mirrors and reflective surfaces make amazing psychic tools. If your back is turned but you can still see the reflection of what your kids are doing behind your back, you'll scare the hell out of them by saying, "Stop poking your brother with your finger." 
Keeping these 5 tips in mind, you should develop your Psychic Mom Abilities in no time. Use them wisely, and always remember- NEVER let your kids know your secret. Psychic Mom Abilities are good for the duration of motherhood, but they do get stronger with practice. The more you know, the more you will be able to keep the upper hand when it comes to your kids and motherhood!

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  1. Ha! Good tip. As a mom-to-be I'm starting to learn the 'tricks of the trade'. I hope to enjoy the upper hand with my little one before she learns to figure things out.

    1. Lol, good luck on your journey! They'll think they are smarter than you at times, but we all know the truth! ;)