I can't pull up a website, open my Kindle (yes, I have the version with the ads still on it), or watch something on TV without being reminded that the 50 Shades of Grey movie comes out this weekend.
Yippee. Can you see me doing me Excited Dance? No? That's because I'm doing the Annoyed Eye Rolling Dance instead.
I confess now- I hated the book. I can't even say I hated the books (plural) because I didn't read them all. Naturally, I have this ingrained instinct to immediately reject the popular (had it since birth, I think), so when the book went crazy, I vowed never to read it- it was a reflex, sorry. Eventually, curiosity got the best of me (and I wanted to be included in the 5,477 conversations going on about it at any given moment) so I bought the first book.
I tried, Inklingers. I really did. I read the first 40 pages or so... and then skipped through and read all of the smutty parts.
I just didn't get it. The character development was pretty shotty, the characters themselves were aloof and pretty one-dimensional. And the smutty parts weren't even really good smutty parts. I've read better erotica in the fiction section of Penthouse magazine.
Now don't go thinking I hated the book because I'm sexually frustrated and a prude. That couldn't be
further from the truth. My inner goddess and I talk on a pretty regular basis, and I follow the philosophy that whatever floats your boat- be it whips, chains, ball gags and Ben-Wa balls- is fine by me. Let your Freak Flag fly, ladies and gents!
But there is nothing sexy about having a tampon pulled from you by a dude. Sorry, there isn't. Especially (and yes, this is how my mind wanders off on a pretty regular basis) if she had just put it in there. That shit hurts, removing a tampon before it's ready to make its exit. And he didn't even ask first. He just grabbed the string and yanked, like the other end was attached to a tooth or something. Unless the author forgot to inform us that Ana had Vagina Dentata, it wasn't attached to a tooth, and it wasn't sexy.
I think I just found Christian Grey to be more negative asshole than positive asshole. We ladies love a bad boy, but there comes a point when you have to realize that the bad boy is really a mean, degrading, chauvinistic pig and should be sent packing. That's what I found in Christian Grey. Maybe it's because when I read the book, I had just come off of a few horrible relationships where I dated chauvinistic pigs (Hubby and I were separated), and just wanted to swear off men altogether. Or, it's because Christian Grey was really an asshole to his core.
And poor Ana. I'm not talking about the way he treated her, or the things done- I'm talking about the bar that Christian set for her. He took her virginity and slingshotted it so far out the door that she will be messed up for life. From that point of her life forward, sex to her is going to be all about what the guy wants, and how fast she can be gagged and tied up, not about what she wants, and not about a consensual, loving experience. My heart actually breaks for her future, as most men in the world aren't going to live up to what Christian has taught her to be a "typical" sexual relationship. The girl is going to pull out a blindfold and duct tape on her future first dates, for crying out loud.
|These are the Ben-Wa Balls I'm |
So, people are coming out of their comfort zone, experimenting sexually, and broadening their horizons. All of that is definitely a positive outcome from such a shotty book. The more good sex people are having, the less assholish they will be in day-to-day life, right? Great in theory, at least.
Ha! I wonder how many babies will be conceived this weekend. Everyone needs to pay attention in 10 months to see if there's a baby boom... and an increase in the names Ana and Christian given to newborns. Yes, this is the randomness that is my brain.
As for me, I will not pick up the book to give it another attempt. I will probably watch the movie eventually, just to see if the Hollywood people improved it (they couldn't make it worse), but won't read the sequels afterwards, because I still won't care. I'll stick to entering in 'Free Erotica' in my Kindle search and seeing what gems lie there. Most of the books I've found that way are so much better than the 50 Shades crap. I'll take 75 uses of the cheesy phrase bulging wand of love over Ana having 53 conversations with her Inner Goddess any day.
Did you love 50 Shades or hate it? Let me know your favorite (or favorite-to-hate) parts below!
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