Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Woes of a Sports Mom

Tonight, The Girl's volleyball team plays in the semi-finals of the district volleyball tournament. We're all really excited, here at the Tatted Mom house...

Except... well... there's that one... no, I can't say it.

Wait. I can. It's my blog. I'm here to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of parenting. So, (deep breath)...

There's a small part of me that hopes they lose.

(Breathe out) OMG, I can't believe I just said that.

When you become a Sports Mom, you sign on for everything sports-related; morning practices, weekend practices, chauffeur to places in the county (or state if it goes that far) that you didn't even know existed (I'm sure the section of town the school was in for the quarter-finals last night used to be amazing...). Your schedule revolves around the sport's schedule, and for the last few months, we have ate/slept/breathed volleyball.

I love volleyball. I played in high school. And now I know how my mom felt.

Touche, Karma, touche.

Of course I want my child and her team to succeed. They only lost 1 game during the regular season,

Friday, September 26, 2014

Friday Frenzy: Why the Frick Can't I Cuss in Front of Kids?

(I'd like to welcome Melissa from Home on Deranged here for today's Friday Frenzy post. Her family life blog has everything from humor, to crazy life stories, to reviews and giveaways. She has a quirky side I love, and I'm very happy to have her here, and participating in Friday Frenzy! Thank you, Melissa!! Y'all definitely need to check out her website, and stalk follow her on social media sites! ~Tatted Mom)

Why the Frick Can’t I Cuss in Front of Kids?

It’s been said that people who swear a lot tend to be more honest, loyal and upfront with their friends. So I’m about to be a mother-effer’ up in here, m’kay?

When we lived in our pre-children state of marriage, I swore. A lot. I come from a newspaper background, and if you didn’t drink, smoke, swear, tell dirty jokes, you seriously did not fit in the newsroom.

When we had our first girl, I thought, what the heck? I’ll give up all of it. At once. Oh. Mah. Gawd. I might as well have given up food. But I was pregnant, so that wasn’t going to happen.

The second one came only 15 months after the first, so I didn’t have time to do any of the fun stuff. Oh, I’m kidding. I swore like a sailor. Because all the hormones that rushed out of me and then back into me quickly left me thinking, “What in the hell is going to happen next?”

And so….I try not to curse when the tiny little 2 and 3 year old ears are around. I occasionally say “crap,” and have heard the 2 year old say, “Oh, crap.” Never directed at anyone, mind you, but just a general state of her concern, usually over the placement of toys.

But these days, I get rattled. A lot. My anti-depressants aren’t always enough, and lately, I’ve resorted to saying “fuck.” A lot. You know, in its proper verb, adjective, noun, and/or adverb usage. It’s liberating, I ain’t gonna lie to you. But it turns out, the soccer moms, gymnastics moms, and

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Generation Z is For...

Apparently, I'm getting old. Each day, I see or hear something from a member of my kids' generation (yes, sometimes from my kids themselves) that makes me think,

"What is WRONG with the kids of today? That did NOT happen when I was a kid."

Take this past weekend, for example. Hubby and I went to a Godsmack, Seether, and Buck Cherry concert.

I will pause for a second to say, Holy crap, what an AWESOME concert!! 

Now, back to my story. The crowd was filled with people from the age of 3 (yes, you read that right- there were quite a few people who brought their toddlers to the concert, a few of which put their toddlers on their shoulders to make it to the front of the crowd, near the stage- I haven't figured out if that's awesome parenting, or horrible parenting yet...) up through probably 60-something. The largest age group was probably 20-somethings, or early to mid 30-somethings like Hubby and I.

But it was the teenage group that made me want to bang my head against the wall the most.
Pic Courtesy

The first thing I noticed, about 5 minutes after walking into the stadium, was a group of children- yes, CHILDREN- who couldn't have possibly been more than 15 or 16 years old, wearing bras and a simple bandanas tied around their chests as "shirts."

I actually paused in front of them to ask where their mothers were, when Hubby grabbed my shirt and led me down the stairs.

There's no reason in hell- actually, there's 50,000 reasons in Hell, no reasons here on Earth- these MINORS should have left the house dressed like that. And, if they left the house dressed like a proper 15 year old CHILD, and then changed into that, they need to be grounded until they are 18.

Back in my day, it was a short skirt and maybe a midriff top or low-cut shirt that we rebellious teenagers changed into after we left the house- NOT A HANDKERCHIEF.

I wanted to take a picture so badly for you all, but I didn't want my site to be flagged for child porn. Seriously. It was that bad.

And it doesn't really get better, sorry to say.

There were girls walking around in just bras and shorts. Bathing suit tops, I understand. Not bras. Thankfully, though, those girls looked like college students... doesn't make it "better" per say, but it

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Creating a Magical Life Part 1: Be Yourself

A few months ago I really started thinking about sharing my life philosophy with people. I tend to look at the world in a unique way, which helps me live a happy, minimally-stressed, productive life.

A Magical Life.

It's definitely something I wanted to share with others, to try and help them start creating, and living, their own magical lives.

This is a web series, 5 parts in all, and this first video covers my introduction, why I wanted to do this web series, and my first personal life philosophy: Be Yourself.

I hope you all enjoy it, and be sure to like it and subscribe so you get the next video in the series delivered right to your inbox when I publish it!

Have an amazing, magical day!! ;)





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Friday, September 19, 2014

Friday Frenzy: My Six Year Old Is Ready to Start Dating

(For Today's Friday Frenzy, I'd like to welcome Ashley from Crazy Life of Smash! Her writing style is amazing, and when we first started emailing about her guest post, she confessed, "I have a bad mouth, is that a problem?" I knew she'd fit in perfectly here on Inklings. Plus, she mentioned Ryan Gosling in her post- a girl after my own heart!! Be sure to check out her blog and find out where else you can stalk her at the end of her post! Huge thanks to Ashley for being a part of Friday Frenzy!! ~Tatted Mom)


My Six Year Old Is Ready to Start Dating…

Children have no understanding when it comes to the difference between male and female friendships. Sure, when they are younger, girls often tend to gravitate to girls and boys gravitate to boys, but they play equally together and have no qualms about co-ed play, nor do parents. However I have recently learned that there comes a point in every parents life - every child’s life- when they start to look at the relationships with boys and girls differently.

Haydan’s first love was Justin Bieber. Somehow between her 6 grandparents, she ended up with a **SINGING** Justin BEAVER doll and her his Christmas album. It was awful. I had a Justin Bieber doll that sang living in my home and my car blasted Beaver Christmas songs. Thankfully my car was the only place we have a CD player. No, really…. thank you, God.

If you’ve ever read any of my other posts in the past, you will know that I was pulled over one day on a drive from San Diego to Phoenix by the CA Highway Patrol. A nice police officer issued me not one, but two tickets and an entire situation erupted—which you can read more about here.

However, after the police officer wrote my two tickets and got back in his vehicle, Haydan yells from the backseat: ‘Oh, Momma! He was so handsome! I like men with tan skin and mustaches!’ I just sort of blew off her new budding romance with the police officer and Justin Bieber and kept driving…figuratively and literally. However, her attraction to the male gender has not seemed to slow down.

It started the first week of school with a grand idea on Haydan’s part to have a sleepover with all her buddies. I had just picked her up from school and she informed me that her and her pal had decided to throw a ‘slumber party’…..at our home. I can’t remember the age I was when I had my first slumber party but I was all in! ‘Sure!’ I told her, ‘Sounds like a great plan!’ She was so excited and told me all about her plans: the kids could watch a movie together in

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

WTF Wednesday: Ryan Gosling- The Newest DILF on the Block

Now *that's* the dream- Ryan
bringing me coffee. Yes, please...
I've never kept my love for Ryan Gosling a secret.

He's only been mentioned a mere 13 times in various posts on my blog. That's not overkill, is it? (You can read my favorite posts mentioning Ryan Gosling here, here and here.)

So, imagine my surprise today when I found out that he is now a father!!

Yep, Eva Mendes hid her pregnancy for the last 9 months and gave birth to a baby girl Gosling last Friday.

I'm happy for the couple, I am. And excited to see how beautiful that baby has to be.

But I have to admit, my heart is a little broken today.

Thanks, sweetheart...
My blog has had ups, downs, reinvented itself several times over, has gained readers, lost readers, gone viral, sat dormant, been shared like a $2 whore, and has been a home to people who enjoy finding the craziness in motherhood, just like me.

Through all of that, Ryan Gosling has been an Inklings constant.

And now he's a father; one of the largest changes a person can go through. I fully welcome him into the craziness that is parenthood, and now label him as a DILF.

Yep, I just went there.

Ryan Gosling is now a father, and I'm not his baby's mama...

Definitely my biggest WTF moment of this week...



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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

7 "Rules" My Children Have Created to Live By

My kids never cease to amaze me. Some days, it's in awesome ways.

And some days, I wonder if they left their brains in bed when they woke up that morning.

I've been making a running list of things that seem to occur numerous times in my household; things I believe my children are slowly converting into personal truths or facts for themselves. That's the only reason I can think of that they repeatedly perform these acts- they are now gospel to them.

And I just shake my head. There's nothing else that can really be done at this point.


7 "Rules" My Children Have Created to Live By

1. The best time to ask Mom for something is when she's exhausted and just fell asleep on the couch. Yep, that's when she'll just answer Yes to anything, just to get us kids to go away. Whether it's asking for a bowl of ice cream 30 minutes before dinner, asking to bring the entire neighborhood into the house to play upstairs, or asking to go fly a helicopter, if you ask within the first 2.5 minutes after Mom falls asleep, you'll get what you want.

2. The bathroom floor is the only place dirty clothes should be. That basket-thingie Mom put in my room that she says is a hamper? That's a wicked cool basketball hoop to throw my stuffed animals in... or random books... toys... definitely not clothes. Oh, I can flip it upside down and sit on it, too, while I play video games. Where are my dirty clothes, you ask? Those are on the bathroom floor, where I took them off when I took a shower last night (and the night before, and the night before that). Duh...

3. "Clean the kitchen after dinner" means unload and load the dishwasher, and nothing else. Never mind the ketchup, butter, pitcher of iced tea and dirty napkins still out. Those aren't included in "cleaning the kitchen." Neither is wiping down the counter tops, picking up that pork chop bone that

Friday, September 12, 2014

Friday Frenzy: The Little and the Big

(This week's installment of Friday Frenzy comes from Eli over at Coach Daddy Blog. I met Eli about a year ago through the blogosphere and instantly fell in love with his writing style, his genuineness and his never-ending quest for knowledge. He totally lets it slide when I use nouns as verbs- like saying I "Youtubed" a video last night- even though it's one of his pet peeves, so he's definitely a keeper. Check out his blog; you won't regret it! A huge thanks to Eli for participating in Friday Frenzy!! ~Tatted Mom)

The Little and the Big
Pic Courtesy: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

I saw a mom at the park recently with her little kids. Little legs. Soft skin. Bright eyes.

Her kids had them, too.

See, you know you're getting old when you see a young mom and she looks just like a big sister. This was at the same park I used to run. Marie would come too, and lap me. I went round and round, entrenched in my battle of will and personal-best times. It didn't matter when I started or where I was.

Just that I'm in it.

It's that way, with parenting, too. Ms. Millennial mom might be of a different era. She can follow a yoga instructor without mumbling R-rated words under breath like I do. I guess she has no trouble using that tiny keyboard on her smartphone, either.

***

My girls aren't little, but they're still my babies.

The youngest is 9, the oldest, 16. There's a 13-year-old in the middle. Birthdays are coming soon and

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Extremely Tattooed (And Happy), aka Tattoos and Parenting, aka Don't Feed the Trolls

Have you heard about this new facebook page that popped up that preaches that having tattoos makes you a bad parent?

Oh, you KNOW I have an opinion on that one.

I seriously had fun with this vlog post today!! Share it around if you know others who agree, like and subscribe to The Inklings of Life channel on Youtube.

Oh, and don't feed the trolls. Yeah, it'll all make sense once you watch the video...

Enjoy! ;)

O

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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Figuring Out My Family Just Might Be Smarter Than Me

So, this bizarre conversation happened this morning between The Girl and I:

The Girl: So, Mom, what are your plans for today?
Me: Well, I'm going to drop y'all off at school, head to Fry's, do some grocery shopping, then come home, fill orders and probably make the pendulum cards and some pendulums for my store. 
The Girl: Making pendulum cards and pendulums is work, Mom.
Me: Yeah, that's what I do during the day... I work. 
The Girl: Yeah, but you work too much. You should totally lay around and play The Sims today.
Yep, the look on my face...
Me: (with a very confused look on my face) Why should I lay around and play The Sims today?
The Girl: Because you work every day, even on the weekends. You deserve a break.
Me: (starting to get very alarmed) So, you are suggesting I lay around and do nothing today because I deserve a break?????????
The Girl: (casually eating her breakfast) Yeah. You work too much. Just play today.
Me: Do you need me to play the game for you for some selfish reason... like... to get your player ahead or something?
The Girl: (laughing- which scared me even more) No, Mom. I'm playing Sims University. You're going to play Sims Supernatural, right?
Me: Uhhh... yeah.
The Girl: Yeah, I've already played that.
Me: Then why are you saying I deserve a break? I'm so confused right now as to what your motive is, or why you are suddenly saying I work too much...
The Girl: (looks up and sees the pure dread on my face) No motive. It's because you really do work too much, Mom. Sheesh. You just seriously deserve a break. Between the book, the blog,the house and your store, you just deserve some time to do nothing and play a game you enjoy.

I'm pretty sure I haven't been that scared in all my years as a mother. I'm still contemplating finding some shelter, because I'm sure the sky will start falling any second now.

Why was this conversation so bizarre, you ask?

First, I will enter into evidence Exhibit A, which is a blog post I wrote about how no one in my

Friday, September 5, 2014

Friday Frenzy: I Control Nothing


(From Tatted Mom: Today starts my new segment, Friday Frenzy, where I showcase some kick-ass bloggers and writers. To kick it all off, I have Brooke, from Daily Dose of Dahl, who I've had the pleasure of knowing since Inklings first started. She's got an amazing sense of humor and an awesome writing style, so be sure to check out her blog and facebook page! A huge thanks to her for being a part of Friday Frenzy!)


***

Ever seen the movie GI Jane? That part where Viggo Mortenson in all his chiseled-jawed, ice blue-eyed, fine-bodied glory gives this speech, “The ebb and flow of the Atlantic tides, the drift of the continents, the very position of the sun along its ecliptic. THESE are just a FEW of the things I control in my world!”

Yeah, well. Must be nice, Master Chief.

The other day my daughter, in the midst of a dramatic moment, announced she couldn’t WAIT to be an adult because then she’d get to make her own decisions and do whatever she wanted. She. Would. Be. In. Control. Of. Her. Life!!

What she meant was that when she’s out in the world on her own, she won’t have to eat green beans, clean her room, or wipe the toothpaste out of the sink until she felt like it. And, if she wanted ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Well then, ice cream it would be!

And it’s not just my daughter that demonstrates her feelings about this. My son, who is generally the textbook definition of ‘trouble free child’ jumps on board the whole free will man-child bandwagon too.

On Saturday, we told the kids we were all going to the pool. It was close to 90 degrees outside, and a

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

WTF Wednesday: Snooze Button Shenanigans

I'm not a snoozer. When my alarm goes off, I get out of bed and start my day. Every once in a while, if I slept for crap, or if we have to get up super early for something, I'll hit the 5 minute snooze one time, and then grumble and scramble for coffee when it goes off again.

YESSSSS!!!  Pic Courtesy
Not Hubby. He's a snooze-hitter. And we aren't talking hit snooze once for 5 minutes- he'll set his snooze for 10 minutes and hit that damn button 3 times before his feet hit the floor.

Which makes his new shift a complete bitch to me.

On a "normal" day right now, I'll get up at 6 (if The Girl has morning volleyball practice) to start my day. Hubby's new schedule has him needing to be at work at 6.

In my world, if I had to be at work at 6, I'd set my alarm for 5 and be good to go. Not Hubby. Not Hubby at all. He sets his alarm for 4:30.

4 effing 30 in the morning. I don't even think the world exists at 4:30am. Do you know what 4:30 looks like? It's darker than the 7th circle of Hell and damn sure feels like it.

Then, he hits the snooze button for 30 minutes. 30 effing minutes, and gets out of bed at 5.

Meanwhile, I'm awake at the first chirp of his alarm at 4:30. Am I able to roll over and regain unconsciousness like he does?

Oh hell no. I'm awake, wide-eyed and far from bushy-tailed, ready to punch anything within arm's reach.

Which is Hubby.

With his new schedule, I knew this would happen. I knew he'd hit snooze for 30 minutes and then fall out of

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

5 Things I Love About Fall (And 3 Things I Hate)

It's almost that time of year again- Autumn. I freaking love Fall. It's honestly my favorite time of year, and for me, there are so many things to love.

And a few I'm not fond of.

So, let's just jump right into this, and these are in no particular order.

5 Things I Love About Fall

1. Two Words- Pumpkin Spice. I don't care if it's pumpkin spice scented candles, pumpkin spice coffee or pumpkin spice muffins- yes, please... to all the things. I'm really heartbroken to have found out this year that Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte has neither pumpkin nor spice in it- just squirts of chemicals that taste like pumpkin and spice. I'm not down with that, so I'll just have to make my own at home this year. Seriously can not wait!

2. HALLOWEEN!!! If you've been following Inklings' facebook page, you'll know that my family is going all out for Halloween this year; we're converting our garage into a mini walk through for the trick-or-treaters. The theme? CarnEvil. Yeah, an evil circus. I'm stoked. The kids are scared. My best friend here is threatening to not even come, she hates evil clowns so much. I started buying items for it last week (yes, in August- I told you I get excited), including a clown that pops up when you walk by it and a two headed Cabbage Patch Kid I'm using in the freak sideshow. Am I going overboard? There's a good chance that yes, I am. Seriously hoping I don't make a kid pee their pants, but then again... Yeah, I'm bad...

3. The Feeling Outside. Even here in hot ass Arizona, some nights get a nice chill to the air. I love hoodie weather, and the fall is the beginning of that.

4. The Smell. Yep, yep- the smell. I LOVE the smell of fall. I mentioned pumpkin spice above, but that's not all of it. There's a smell of wood burning in the air from fireplaces, wood burning stoves and bonfires; the