Tuesday, December 23, 2014

'Twas the Night Before the Night Before Christmas...

'Twas the night before the night before Christmas, and all through the house, 
The kids were playing video games, and so was Tatted Mom's spouse.
The stockings were all hung, apparently, as play things for the felines,
The presents all lacked bows, as these were also in the cats' beelines.

The children were all bouncing, due to an abundance of Christmas sweets,
And I was seriously regretting baking all those treats.
Tatted Mom lay on the couch with wine, trying to regain some sanity, 
While Hubby shot evil aliens in the video game "Destiny." 

When up on the second floor, there came a huge crash,
Hubby and I just knew something was broken, so we made a quick dash.
We arrived at our bedroom door, out of breath and panting,
To find our kids facing each other, raving and ranting.

The Girl wanted to be lazy, and watch some TV,
While The Ginger wanted to continue his mission on "Assassin's Creed 3."
The struggle for the television grew, when suddenly Mom went off like a gun,

"It's almost Christmas, and here you two are fighting,

Monday, December 15, 2014

Offending Teachers, and Chocolate Pie

Apparently I offended one of The Girl's teachers today. Didn't mean to, didn't realize I would, but I did.
Chocolate Chess Pie- Yes please!!

Today I had to finish the last of the paperwork for the kids' online school registration. I figured, since they have 4 days of conventional schooling left, I'd go ahead and write a letter to each of their teachers, giving them a heads up that The Girl and The Ginger weren't returning in January.

One of The Girl's teachers was not happy at all with my letter. She told The Girl that I "was insulting the entire school program" in my letter.

Thanks for keeping your opinion about a 12 year old's mom to yourself, there, adult teacher of my child... (rolling eyes).

The damn letter was 3 sentences long. I must have perfected my skills of offending people, to get it down to 3 sentences.

Here's the letter; y'all can decide for yourselves:

This letter is to inform you that [The Girl] will not be returning to [school] in January. We have decided to homeschool her, and will be formally withdrawing her from [school] and TUSD
following the end of this semester. 

This decision took a great deal of time for us to make, but we feel that both of our children will be able to excel faster and access their full potentials in a school setting that is not part of TUSD.

Thank you,
Morgan Moss

When Hubby read it this morning, even he came back with an "Oh, damn."

So, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just such a bitch now that I don't even realize when I'm being a bitch, or if the letter really wasn't that offensive at all. I thought the letter was simple, straight forward, and was aimed at letting the teachers know that I wasn't unhappy with them, as teachers, but unhappy with TUSD (Tucson Unified School District).

Apparently, the letter was just taken as insulting to the entire school system.

Oops, my bad.

But, let's take a second to touch base on a few things here.
  1. I'm southern. We don't hold much back. If I wanted to outright insult the school system, I would have. After reading over my letter, after Hubby's and the teacher's feedback, I can see how there's a little sting to it- an eloquent sting (that's what we southerners are known for), but nonetheless, a sting. She's lucky I didn't add Bless your heart instead of a Thank you at the end, but that wasn't the intent of my letter. 
  2. Arizona schools are ranked #43 out of 51 (Washington, DC is counted as its own entity) in the nation. In Arizona, Tucson Unified District is ranked 228 out of 355. So, putting my letter aside, this school system is, in itself, insulting. Both of my kids are in the Gifted and Talented programs at their schools, but that only does so much, you know? The only way to fully describe what's going on in my head with this whole scenario is with an analogy... 
All the states in the US are in a pie baking competition. Apparently, New Jersey has the best pie right now, with, hell, I don't know, an amazing triple chocolate chess pie. Arizona is cooking up some liver and onion pie. Sure, it's not as horrible as the skunk meat and rotten potatoes pie that Mississippi is apparently cooking up, but it's not good either. But, of the minced meat pies, my kids' group cooked up the best liver and onion pie of all the liver and onion pies in this area. Still doesn't mean that liver and onion pie is gonna win the entire pie competition, nor does it mean the liver and onion pie is even edible some days. Will it sustain you? Sure. But overall, it stinks to high heaven. So, I'm supposed to be happy with my kids' liver and onion pie, when I know my kids are triple chocolate chess pie potential, and have access to the triple chocolate chess pie ingredients? Oh hell no. I want chocolate pie for my kids.

So, while I do feel bad I offended one of The Girl's teachers (still torn as to why I feel bad- I really shouldn't), I stand by my letter today. It may have been slightly bitchy, but it could have been much worse.

This is why I shouldn't write letters before my coffee in the morning...
Or why I should write more. The jury is still out on that one.

Found out just a few hours ago that my kids have been accepted to an online school, so our ingredients for triple chocolate chess pie are right around the corner. I can't wait!

I love chocolate pie...

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Friday, December 12, 2014

Friday Frenzy- Tales from Toddlerville: The Fecking Elf Came Back

(Today, I'm happy to welcome Serendipity from Mother of Serendipity for Friday Frenzy. When I first virtually met her, and checked out her blog, I couldn't stop laughing. While her writing style is a little of this, little of that, she writes the most amazing- and hilarious- songs and modern nursery rhymes. You definitely need to check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)

Tales from Toddlerville: The Fecking Elf Came Back

So, yeah, Toddlerville has a fecking elf. He arrived last year in a fit of desperation on my part. Trapped at home As a stay at home mom of not one, but TWO rambunctious toddlers in a small NYC apartment, I was game to try anything that might get them to calm down as the holidays approached. The idea of a house elf who would do cute things and inspire them to not behave like lunatics make better choices was undeniably appealing.

Of course, in my fuzzy little daydreams, I neglected to factor in my Boy's monkey-like speed and agility, which are only matched by his natural desire to "examine" ALL THE THINGS. If you can imagine Wreck-It Ralph as a young child, you'd not be far off from my kid. He breaks shite just looking at it.

Which is why our elf Donny didn't do much last year except try to find the highest shelf in the

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Game of War and Banana Smears

I just want to thank Kate Upton for stealing my husband from me.

Thanks to that damn commercial she did for the "Game of War" cell phone game, I haven't seen my husband's face in weeks. And all he talks about are alliances, battles and loyalty.
Pic Courtesy

I swear, he thinks this shit is real.

So this morning, the shit did get real- for him, when it comes to this game. I'll set the scene for you, before unleashing our conversation.

I had just woken Hubby up for the day, and was sitting on the bed, eating a banana beside him. He grabbed his phone, like he does the second he wakes up, and opened that damn game. I was trying to plan our day, but he was balls deep in his phone. I looked at his screen to see what he was reading that was so damn intense, and saw a long message (you can send messages in this game) with a drawing of a chick beside it.

Me: Who's the chick?
Hubby: (reading)
Me: Hello? Chick? Who is she? Chicks actually play this game?
Hubby: It's not a chick, it's a drawing of a chick.
Me: No shit, Sherlock. It's called an avatar. I might not play your nerd war game, but I know

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Hell Week Post #3: Zombie Virus, Anyone?

It's been established that last week was one of the worst weeks in a very long time for me. Monday kicked off with Hubby and I making one of the largest decisions ever for our kids, and Tuesday will forever be known as The Day We Crushed The Ginger's Innocence.

Now, we're going to mosey on over to Wednesday. And for the record, I seriously thought these events were more spaced out; they felt more spaced out. I didn't realize until I started writing the Hell Week series that they were back-to-back-to-back days. I can't believe I'm alive.

Before I can fully get to Wednesday, I have to backtrack somewhat to Tuesday. I woke up that morning with my throat hurting... again. Since I've lived in Arizona (2 years now), I've had strep throat about half a dozen times. Then, I've had something that tested negative for strep, but they gave me the strep meds anyway, about 3-4 times. So, Arizona is trying to kill me.

Back to Tuesday. Woke up with a sore throat, which was compounded by hot flashes followed by cold spells as the day went on. I was weak, shaking and just felt like general ass (as opposed to major ass- General Ass is much bigger... ha! I made a military joke...). I had a crap load to do that day, though, so I trudged through my day, and collapsed that night in bed.

Woke up Wednesday and couldn't ignore it anymore. On top of every symptom from the previous day, I now had a raging headache and some hella sinus pain and pressure. The back of my throat looked like a zombie's face, and the lymph nodes in my neck were the size of shooter marbles, and quite tender. Time to head to the ol' doc.

Let me pause for a second to tell you about how I never really see my actual doctor. He's never seen

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Hell Week Post #2: The Day We Crushed The Ginger's Innocence

A few days ago, I posted the first of 3 in a series I'm calling "Hell Week", chronicling one of the craziest weeks I've ever had. Post #1, We Aren't Trying to Ruin Our Kids' Lives, I Swear was all about how last week, Hell Week, started out on Monday with Hubby and I making the biggest decision ever for our kids- the decision to homeschool them.

Now we're skedaddling on to Tuesday of last week, or the day that will forever be known as The Day We Crushed The Ginger's Innocence.

Yeah, we know why you are winking, big guy. We'll
keep your secret, until our kids are 10, apparently.
I was 10 when I asked my dad about the true existence of Santa Claus. I had done my research, presented him with evidence as we were wrapping presents one afternoon, and gave him a stern, "So, Dad, is Santa real?"

Without skipping a beat in the wrapping process, he said, "Nope. The idea of Santa is real, but as far as a fat guy with reindeer delivering presents, he's not real. We parents just keep the idea of Santa alive for kids." 

Fair enough, and props to my dad for an amazing explanation, right?

Hubby was 10 when he was told about Santa, as well. He had younger brothers, so his parents told him so he could help with the Christmas Eve shenanigans at night.

The Girl apparently figured everything out the Christmas she was 9 years old, but didn't mention it until the following Christmas, when she was 10. I guess Santa left a receipt for some Webkins laying around and she found it; forgetful Santa...

This year, The Ginger is 10. We're having to do a small Christmas, so the fact that half of our

Friday, December 5, 2014

Friday Frenzy: There are Certain Acts that People Feel Compelled to do Around the Holidays That are Utterly Ridiculous....

(Today's post comes from Lady Goo Goo Gaga, whose blog is one of the funniest, real blogs I've ever come across. She says the things we all want to, in a way that every mom can definitely understand. Check out her blog, and you can also follow her on facebook! ~Tatted Mom)

There are Certain Acts that People Feel Compelled to do Around the Holidays That are Utterly Ridiculous....

While I am rushing around trying to get all of my shopping done, baking, frantically doing Christmas cards, among other holiday activities, there are some maniacs abound that apparently have all the time in the world to do ridiculous things to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
It's annoying.
Here are some examples:
#1 - Miscellaneous Elf on the Shelf Antics:
Some of the images I have seen of people's elves is disturbing.
I think it's a cute idea, we have an elf at our house.
I also think it's funny and cute that your Elf dances on a pole, drinks your wine or takes a shit, and you post it on Facebook. However, when your "Elf" has time to "undecorate your entire Christmas tree," that's neither cute nor funny.
It's an indicator that your "Elf" has too much time on her hands.
Most of us barely have enough time and energy to decorate the tree the first time, and when we do we are on the verge of divorce.
If you are so bored that you have fictional characters "come into your house and create housework for

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Hell Week Post #1: We Aren't Trying to Ruin Our Kids' Lives, I Swear

I am officially labeling this week as "Hell Week," and it's only Thursday. It's been so amazingly, sweet-ass awesome (can you sense my sarcasm?), that it's going to warrant 3 posts from me.
My mantra right now...

Yes, 3 posts. I can't cram all of this week into one post. It would look a lot like a busted can of biscuits if I tried, and I don't like to make my readers' heads explode.

I will, however, give y'all a teaser of what my week has entailed, and then we'll just jump right into the first part of my week.

This week, Hell Week, started off with Hubby and I making one of the largest decisions we could possibly make for our kids- The Girl is still barely speaking to us because of it. Mid-week, we crushed The Ginger's innocence forever, and just after that, I contracted what can only be a precursor to the Zombie Virus. That's my Hell Week thus far, and please knock on some wood for me that the remainder of the week does NOT warrant a fourth post in this series.

So now that you have an overview of this week for me, let's just head right into one of the biggest decisions I've ever made as a parent, shall we?

Monday morning, as the kids were getting ready for school, The Ginger opened up his homework folder (keep in mind that last week was Thanksgiving, so the kids have been out of school since the Wednesday before this), and threw his head back. Tears started filling his eyes.

The Ginger: Mom, can I PLEASE stay home from school today?
Me: Nope. But why do you ask?
The Ginger: Because my state report is due today and I forgot all about it. I didn't work on it at all this weekend.
Me: Nope, sorry. You didn't do your homework, so you need to fully understand the consequences to