Thursday, October 9, 2014

If Only My Period Was a Super Power...

I'm normally not an overly sensitive person. It takes a lot to get my blood boiling or to incite anger from me.
Period Woman- My custom Super Hero
created by the Hero Machine.
This was too much fun!!!

Unless, of course, I'm PMSing or actually on my period. Then, a simple look can set me off on an angry onslaught of pure emotional babble.

So, how awesome is it that my monthly visitor has chosen its time to grace me with its presence when my kids are on Fall Break from school for a week, which also happens to be the same week I told Hubby I'd help him lose 5 pounds in a week (by fixing all of his meals and helping him with portion control) to get ready for his upcoming PT (physical training) test with waist measurement?

F*cking awesome, that's right.

In my defense (before I even get started, yes, that's how I roll), I think my family knows I'm highly sensitive and purposefully chooses that time to screw with me. I think it's a fun game of Mom's PMSing, How Close to Making Her Head Explode Can We Get?

Pretty damn close, that's for sure.

My kids aren't even the culprit this particular month- unless you count constantly asking me stupid questions from some poll app- seriously, I don't give a crap to think about whether I'd rather live with snakes under my bed or spiders on my ceiling, so stop asking (snakes... no, spiders... dammit! I've wasted too much brain power already...)

It's Hubby.

This morning's conversation is a prime example:

Me: You know I love rain, and yesterday it was awesome. Today, I really wish it wasn't raining.
Hubby: Why? You can live in rain.
Me: I understand I can, but I have stuff I need to do today.
Hubby: We lived in England for 3 years; you know how to do anything in rain that you could do
when it's not raining.
Me: Yeah, I know. But the rest of the people in Tucson have no idea how to function normally- or drive- when it's raining outside. Plus, there are things I can't do when it's raining.
Hubby: What do you have to do today?
Me: Well, we need a few groceries, I need to run to the pharmacy, and I think I told the kids we'd shop for Halloween stuff some time this week. Oh, and we were going to decorate the front yard for Halloween today.
Hubby: Okay. What exactly can't you do because it's raining?
Me: (blank stare in his direction)
Hubby: (staring back like, What?)
Me: Decorate the yard for Halloween?
Hubby: Why can't you do that today?
Me: (staring back like he's an idiot)
Hubby: What?
Me: Are you f*cking kidding me? We are not decorating the front yard for Halloween in the rain.
Hubby: Like it's really going to rain all day.
Me: It rained all day yesterday.
Hubby: The rain didn't start until like 11 am.
Me: And then it rained for the rest of the day... plus, it's already raining this morning.
Hubby: Yeah, but it won't do that today.

Seriously, why did that conversation even occur? Maybe I'm still seeing it through my Period Stained Glasses (gross, I know, but how awesome of a metaphorically accurate way to describe this time of the month; if before your period, you could say you wear PMS Glasses...) but I'm pissed I went through that this morning. I feel like one of 2 things occurred for this conversation to head in the direction it did:
  1. Hubby was playing his 5:30am round of How Close to Making Her Head Explode Can I Get?
  2. He didn't realize the whole 'outdoor decorating in the rain' part and refused to backtrack. Men do that.
It's 45 minutes later, Hubby has long left for work, and I'm still ticked I wasted breath and brain cells on that conversation this morning. 

Decorate the yard for Halloween in the rain. WTF?

And then, ladies, to make the situation even better, as he walked out the door to go to work, he leaned down, kissed me and said,

"Your period better be gone by this afternoon." 

LIKE I CAN CONTROL IT, ASS!

Hey, Period- The emotional roller coaster all of your hormones put my family through is annoying everyone, so could you just skedaddle along after a day? Never mind the crime scene I have to deal with during every bathroom break, or the close-to-labor-contractions cramps you put me through, or the fact that I accidentally bought super plus tampons instead of super tampons, and I'm wondering why the manufacturers thought a torpedo-sized tampon is something any woman wants to wear inside of her. No, my husband is ticked off by my amazingly pleasant attitude right now, so, could you cut him some slack please? 

For f*ck's sake. 

Today, like yesterday, is a day where I just need to remain indoors, turn on Netflix, and be content inside of my little Period Bubble. Feed me chocolate when needed, let me choose the shows, and don't do anything that could incite the Period Demons inside me.

And for the love of all that is holy in this world, don't insinuate that I can control my period, like it's a super power. If we women could control it, don't you think we would have done it by now? Turn that shit off when we don't feel like putting up with it, and turn it back on when we want to set the world around us on fire... or just want to go to sleep at night without having sex... or just want to piss everyone off around us so we can be alone.

Sounds glorious.

If only my period was a super power...



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2 comments:

  1. I mostly love my IUD, but it sure as hell doesn't keep me from PMSing.

    You have my sympathies.

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    Replies
    1. LOL, thanks! I've heard there are IUDs with hormones added to help with PMSing? Not sure if that's true. I can look at crime scene photos, stomach gory horror movies, clean up puke and other bodily excretions and play in people's blood while tattooing, but the thought of an IUD being inside of me makes my stomach flip, personally. Just not for me, lol. ;)

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