Friday, September 19, 2014

Friday Frenzy: My Six Year Old Is Ready to Start Dating

(For Today's Friday Frenzy, I'd like to welcome Ashley from Crazy Life of Smash! Her writing style is amazing, and when we first started emailing about her guest post, she confessed, "I have a bad mouth, is that a problem?" I knew she'd fit in perfectly here on Inklings. Plus, she mentioned Ryan Gosling in her post- a girl after my own heart!! Be sure to check out her blog and find out where else you can stalk her at the end of her post! Huge thanks to Ashley for being a part of Friday Frenzy!! ~Tatted Mom)


My Six Year Old Is Ready to Start Dating…

Children have no understanding when it comes to the difference between male and female friendships. Sure, when they are younger, girls often tend to gravitate to girls and boys gravitate to boys, but they play equally together and have no qualms about co-ed play, nor do parents. However I have recently learned that there comes a point in every parents life - every child’s life- when they start to look at the relationships with boys and girls differently.

Haydan’s first love was Justin Bieber. Somehow between her 6 grandparents, she ended up with a **SINGING** Justin BEAVER doll and her his Christmas album. It was awful. I had a Justin Bieber doll that sang living in my home and my car blasted Beaver Christmas songs. Thankfully my car was the only place we have a CD player. No, really…. thank you, God.

If you’ve ever read any of my other posts in the past, you will know that I was pulled over one day on a drive from San Diego to Phoenix by the CA Highway Patrol. A nice police officer issued me not one, but two tickets and an entire situation erupted—which you can read more about here.

However, after the police officer wrote my two tickets and got back in his vehicle, Haydan yells from the backseat: ‘Oh, Momma! He was so handsome! I like men with tan skin and mustaches!’ I just sort of blew off her new budding romance with the police officer and Justin Bieber and kept driving…figuratively and literally. However, her attraction to the male gender has not seemed to slow down.

It started the first week of school with a grand idea on Haydan’s part to have a sleepover with all her buddies. I had just picked her up from school and she informed me that her and her pal had decided to throw a ‘slumber party’…..at our home. I can’t remember the age I was when I had my first slumber party but I was all in! ‘Sure!’ I told her, ‘Sounds like a great plan!’ She was so excited and told me all about her plans: the kids could watch a movie together in
sleeping bags, she could bust out the popcorn machine that my dad had bought her for Christmas, and everyone would have a grand ol’ time. She then blindsided me with this:

Haydan: So my friend and I need to make invitations for the sleep over, Momma.

Me: Okay great! That’ll be fun! Who all are you two inviting?

Haydan: All the girls from our class and two of the boys.

Me: HMMMM….WHATTTT?? Come again??

Haydan: My friend and I have a little bench that we sit on at recess and we are planning all the details of the slumber party. We have decided to invite all of the girls and there are two boys in our class that we are also inviting. It is going to be so much fun! RIGHT MOMMA!?

Me: Righttttt... Haydan.
My actual reaction...

Alright, so I didn’t really know how to handle this one. She is six. She is still innocent and her idea of a co-ed sleepover is definitely much different than lets say, my idea of a coed sleepover at the age of 17 would have been. How the hell do you explain in kind and loving words to your silly little 6-year-old-girl that having a sleepover with boys is…uhh..NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FOR A LONG ASS EFFIN’ TIME?!… I decided to do what I do best——throw the tough parenting shit my husbands way!

Me: Alrighty then, Haydan! Lets just go ahead and have you run this little plan by Papa.

Haydan: That is a great idea! He is the only one who knows how to use the popcorn machine!

Haydan then went and told my husband, Justin, all the details about her fully mapped out co-ed sleepover and I was out of the woods…so I thought…really, I was up the creek without a paddle.

Apparently, Justin told Haydan: ‘Boys don’t have sleepovers with girls. You should really talk to your mom about this one.’

THANKS A FUCKIN’ LOT, HUSBAND!!

So, I just laid it out on the line for her. ‘Haydan, this is hard to explain, but God made it that we don't have sleepovers with boys until we are married. It’s just the way it is. You can invite every girl at the school for the sleepover if you like, but unfortunately it is against code (i have no effin’ idea where that came from, code? I don’t know—it just fell out of my mouth) to invite boys for sleepovers. How about we invite them to watch the movie and eat popcorn and then they can go home and sleep in their own superhero bedrooms?’

Haydan: Did you and Papa not have a sleepover until you got married?

Me: Exactly…now you are following me. (SHIT!)

That seemed to work and I thought this crap-tastic situation was over and then THIS HAPPENED:

I picked Haydan up from school a few days later and she told me she had a BIG secret. I asked her if it was a secret that she wanted to keep to herself or one she wanted to share with her cool ol’ momma.

Haydan: I can tell you but you CAN’T TELL ANYONE! My friend, Felicia*, has a crush on Tate*.
Cork board with
BIEBER'S FACE ON IT. UGH!

Me: Wait, isn't that the same boy that you have a crush on? (How stupid, I am actually entertaining this conversation when I really should have shut it down!)

Haydan: Yes, but Felicia* told me that we can’t both have crushes on the same person. (She had informed me of this kids ‘handsomeness’ last year in Kindergarten and this kid is also one of the boys the girls want to invite to their little ‘slumber party’.)

Me: Eff that! You can have a crush on whomever you want. Do you know how many girls have a crush on Ryan Gosling?!

Haydan: Who is Ryan ‘Gobling’?

Me: It doesn't matter—-Justin Bieber. Whatever. You can like whomever you want. Just don't like boys for a little while longer please. This is coming way too fast. First you fall in love with a police officer, then hit me with a love for a total douchebag, Justin Bieber, and now this—I can’t handle this, Haydan. I am having palpitations.

Haydan: Well every time i see him my I think ‘ohhhh!!’ (she starts to fan herself off) and I start to go ‘bock bock bock.'

Me: ‘Bock Bock?' Like a chicken?

Haydan: YES!!! I know!—it is silly! It just makes me less nervous when I ‘bock’.

At this point, I thought it was so cute that she admitted that to me—we all have our little nervous twitches; biting our nails, chewing the corner of our lip….Haydan’s just so happens to be clucking like a chicken I guess!

So yeah, I guess now I am just at a point in my life where I have to accept that at some point (which appears to be NOW), my child will like a boy, my child will find men handsome, she will one day go out on a date with some douchebag Justin Bieber wannabe or whoever the 2054 equivalent of Justin Bieber will be…and I have to accept it…at some point. NOT NOW THOUGH. Definitely, not now.

However, there will be no boy sleepovers at my house, ever, not until at least the year of 2054.

Smashley Ashley is not ready for this shit.

***

Crazy Life of Smash! is written by Ashley Alteman and documents her life parenting a wild child six-year-old who seems to be following in Smashley Ashley’s off-the-wall footsteps. Throw in some hysterical stories with her more ‘serious’ husband, her heard of animals, and the trouble she seems to get herself into all on her own….and you’ve got a real shit show! Crazy Life of Smash is like the Griswold’s in real life. You can catch up with Ashley on Facebook, Twitter, Google + and Pinterest.




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3 comments:

  1. Oh my!! This post is hilarious! And I can so relate! I have 3 daughters and my oldest is 11. Talk about chest palpitations! She is in middle school this year and wants to wear trampy clothes and I have to constantly be the bad guy and make her change, and now a B-O-Y from the neighborhood keeps knocking on the door wanting her to come outside and "play" and I am just not sure what kind of "playin" he is talkin' bout... Whew. I am getting all frazzled just TYPING this shit. I'm in trouble. And so are you.

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  2. hahahahah!!! I would be dead if I had THREE DAUGHTERS!! I can't handle this six year old situation---I can't begin to fathom how I'll handle, 11---or 13---or 17 (!!!!!!). TRAMPY CLOTHES. OH MYYYY--I didn't even think about that! The outfits I snuck under a hoodie to wear out when I was in high school---- I swear to you, I would drop dead of a coronary if I saw my daughter wearing those hooker outfits!!!! UGH. I am screwed if that whole 'Karma is a bitch' saying is true.

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  3. Um, yeah, my daughter had crushes in pre-k, and last year she had an actual little boyfriend. He brought her presents and his mom made her special treats that were different from the rest of the class. Did it freak me out? Yes. But it was also really sweet.

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