Three and a half weeks ago, we were moving to Japan in October. This week, we're staying in Arizona.
Our world, flipped upside down by an email that Hubby received with just 2 sentences:
This is to officially notify you that your assignment is cancelled. Reason for cancellation: Due to change in manning/surplus condition... and then a bunch of military acronyms and abbreviations that no one understands.
Two sentences. Dreams squashed.
I sat in disbelief and stared at the paper Hubby had printed out. Hubby drove to the store to buy cigarettes. The kids sulked. We'd all start a sentence, then stop, our words defeated by shock.
We waited to tell family until Hubby had called his contact person for the orders. They confirmed the cancellation, and we all tried to begin letting it set in.
I ran to my friend's house to process the information, because I had no idea if I was devastated or relieved, and I didn't want my family to see me like that. She opened her stockpile (yeah, I taught her how to extreme coupon, hehehe) to me, and I grabbed chips and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and just rambled through everything on my mind.
Of course I was upset; who wouldn't be upset about losing spending their last 4 years of their husband's
military career on a tropical island, putting money into savings, eating fresh sushi, with their kids in great schools, and with friends you've had for a decade? So, with all of that ripped away, of course I was pissed and saddened.
But there was this small part of me relieved, and when I allowed myself to feel that, I immediately felt ashamed.
With the cancellation of these orders, I could continue to rock my store, which has really picked up lately, and is something that makes me super happy. I don't make items for my customers, and my store, because of the extra income; I do it because I love sharing my handmade items with the world and helping people on their own spiritual journeys; the money is a bonus. These orders meant possibly having to close my store, which devastated me.
Also with the cancellation of these orders, I don't have to leave my extreme couponing buddy, who I've gotten really close to in the last few months. Our husbands actually get along, our kids get along- that combination doesn't come along very often. I also happened to have a friend from before The Girl was born make her way here when her husband received orders here, and I felt bad for being all, "Welcome to Tucson, I'm off to Japan."
And who wouldn't be happy about being able to continue extreme couponing? I'd been telling the kids to eat the stockpile; now I can get back to building it up.
But when I looked at my reasons for being relieved, and seeing how selfish they were, I again felt ashamed. How dare I be happy when Hubby had wanted these orders for 15 years, got them and then had them taken away? I felt like a horrible person.
I confessed my feelings to my mom and friend, who both told me I was human, and through this move, I would have been giving up some of the things I truly enjoyed. It's human nature to feel relieved that you get to keep your hobbies and things you love.
I decided to confess my feelings to Hubby, because I have this really bad habit of not being able to keep anything from him (yes, I said really bad- have you ever tried to hide a secret girly shopping trip that you deserved from your husband when you can't hide anything from your husband? It sucks!). He completely understood. He was relieved the short-notice-move-weight was off of his shoulders, and that he'd get to continue his comic book hobby, his archery hobby, and we wouldn't have to sell Big Sexy (his Chevy Astro van with the curtains and carpeting inside- yeah...). He was starting to come to terms with everything, and was just as conflicted as I was.
Now that a day or so has gone by, things are settling down more, and we're relaxing more about our news. There is a pretty good chance we'll get orders again very soon; Hubby spoke to the guy in charge of his career field in the military, and he confirmed that when your orders get cancelled, you stay at the top of the list of people wanting to get orders. The new list comes out next week, so you never know what could happen. We could be back on our way to Japan, with the proper 6-9 months of preparation this time, instead of 3 months. We could be on our way to Alaska or Hawaii. I vote for Hawaii, seriously.
Or, we could finish out his military career here in the desert. I'm a chick in desperate need of some kind of body of water, but at this point, I'm just going with the flow, and have faith that whatever happens will be what's best for my family.
I did record my first video diary post for my youtube channel last night, with this news and talking through my thoughts on it all. I swear I'm trying to keep these videos around 10 minutes long, but I like to talk sometimes, and this was a topic I really needed to get everything out, in order to help me process. The Girl says this is her favorite video of mine because it was emotional. She did smack me in the head whenever my word of the day popped out of my mouth, which just so happened to be shitty. Oh, well. It's not like she hasn't heard me say it before, she just said I used it a lot. Well, dear daughter, that's because the situation is shitty- perfect word to describe it.
So, my video diary post is below. Like/Comment/Subscribe if you like it, please. My channel is going to be random, just like the blog here.
Two little sentences squashing our dreams- definitely my biggest WTF moment of this week!
Click banner to head to Amazon!
If you enjoy Inklings, please take a second to just click the banner below. Each click = 1 vote, and you can vote once per 24 hours. I do happy dances when people vote!