Sunday, June 22, 2014

You Might Be a Southern Mom If...

1. You ever shouted, "Stop your wallerin' out there and get inside before you get your clothes dirty; we're gettin' ready to go out!" For those who don't speak Southern, wallerin' is the same as wallowing and describes when animals roll around in the mud to keep cool. We Southern Moms also use it to describe what our kids are doing out in the yard when they play.

2. You ever had to explain US history past the Civil War to your kids because the school systems didn't seem to cover that. Seriously. Learning history in the South stops with the Civil War. When I was in 10th grade, we watched "Forrest Gump" to cover what happened in US history after the Civil War, because we had 2 weeks of school left in order to learn the last 130 years.

3. Slapping some breading on a vegetable and frying it is an acceptable way to get kids to eat their veggies. We Southerners make fried green beans, fried asparagus, fried squash, fried zucchini and even fried pickles- those'll make your mouth water!!

4. You tell a kid to go outside and find a switch, and all of the color rushes from their face in dread. A switch is a branch off a tree used on your backside if you've been bad. When you are a kid, you think it's smart to stay away from the big ones, because they'll hurt more, right? WRONG! Those skinny
ones sting the worst...

5. 4H camp is the highlight of your kids' (and your) summer. One week of quiet bliss while your kids are hiking, canoeing, doing plays in the evening and making tie-dyed shirts. If you are lucky, you splurged on the overnight camp, so your kids are actually gone for a week. I just did the day camps as a kid. Le sigh.

6. You correct your kids' grammar from, "Y'all ain't never gonna believe this," to "Y'all are never going to believe this," and that's perfectly acceptable. Y'all isn't a slang term or incorrect grammar. It's how we greet everyone in the South.

7. You are perfectly fine letting your kids play outside in a rainstorm, fully clothed, until the thunder starts- then it's inside in 2.5 seconds. Summer rainstorms are awesome. Kids can jump in puddles, run around like chickens with their heads cut off, and yes, all in the clothes they were wearing before the storm started. But the second that thunder starts, or a flash of lighting is seen, you get your kids inside with the quickness so they don't get struck by lightning. Oh, and jeans and jean shorts get really heavy when they are wet, so it's best to have your kids change into some gym shorts when the rain starts- just FYI.

8. A well rounded meal contains a meat, veggie, potato (or macaroni and cheese), biscuit, gravy and sweet tea (maybe a glass of chocolate milk for the kids). All the major food groups are covered, right? You don't see too much fat free/gluten free/sugar free/dairy free/meat free/taste free stuff in a Southern kitchen. We like it heavy, full flavored, and yes, it'll probably clog an artery or two, but it's all good- just send your kids outside in a rainstorm to get their exercise in.

9. Your kids have no idea that you secretly can't stand 90% of the other moms in their playgroup, because you are sweet as sugar to everyone. Southern ladies are a pro when it comes to keeping the smiles on their faces and sweet tones in their voices, even if they dislike the people around them. But once your kids get a little older, they'll understand that when you were telling those ladies, "Oh, well bless your heart, darling," you were really saying, "You aren't a bright one, are you?" 

10. You hand your kids a mason jar to drink from or to catch fireflies in; they have 1,000 different uses. You can can fruits and veggies in them, too, or make your famous blackberry jam. Southern homes are full of mason jars because you can use them for anything.

11. You and your friends drink mimosas while your kids play. If it looks like orange juice, the kids don't question why you are drinking at 10 am. And chances are, in the South, that mimosa is made with orange juice and beer, not orange juice and champagne.

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