Tuesday, December 23, 2014

'Twas the Night Before the Night Before Christmas...

'Twas the night before the night before Christmas, and all through the house, 
The kids were playing video games, and so was Tatted Mom's spouse.
The stockings were all hung, apparently, as play things for the felines,
The presents all lacked bows, as these were also in the cats' beelines.


The children were all bouncing, due to an abundance of Christmas sweets,
And I was seriously regretting baking all those treats.
Tatted Mom lay on the couch with wine, trying to regain some sanity, 
While Hubby shot evil aliens in the video game "Destiny." 

When up on the second floor, there came a huge crash,
Hubby and I just knew something was broken, so we made a quick dash.
We arrived at our bedroom door, out of breath and panting,
To find our kids facing each other, raving and ranting.

The Girl wanted to be lazy, and watch some TV,
While The Ginger wanted to continue his mission on "Assassin's Creed 3."
The struggle for the television grew, when suddenly Mom went off like a gun,
"THAT'S IT FOR YOU TWO, I'M SERIOUSLY DONE!"

"It's almost Christmas, and here you two are fighting,

Monday, December 15, 2014

Offending Teachers, and Chocolate Pie

Apparently I offended one of The Girl's teachers today. Didn't mean to, didn't realize I would, but I did.
Chocolate Chess Pie- Yes please!!

Today I had to finish the last of the paperwork for the kids' online school registration. I figured, since they have 4 days of conventional schooling left, I'd go ahead and write a letter to each of their teachers, giving them a heads up that The Girl and The Ginger weren't returning in January.

One of The Girl's teachers was not happy at all with my letter. She told The Girl that I "was insulting the entire school program" in my letter.

Thanks for keeping your opinion about a 12 year old's mom to yourself, there, adult teacher of my child... (rolling eyes).

The damn letter was 3 sentences long. I must have perfected my skills of offending people, to get it down to 3 sentences.

Here's the letter; y'all can decide for yourselves:

This letter is to inform you that [The Girl] will not be returning to [school] in January. We have decided to homeschool her, and will be formally withdrawing her from [school] and TUSD
following the end of this semester. 

This decision took a great deal of time for us to make, but we feel that both of our children will be able to excel faster and access their full potentials in a school setting that is not part of TUSD.

Thank you,
Morgan Moss

When Hubby read it this morning, even he came back with an "Oh, damn."

So, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just such a bitch now that I don't even realize when I'm being a bitch, or if the letter really wasn't that offensive at all. I thought the letter was simple, straight forward, and was aimed at letting the teachers know that I wasn't unhappy with them, as teachers, but unhappy with TUSD (Tucson Unified School District).

Apparently, the letter was just taken as insulting to the entire school system.

Oops, my bad.

But, let's take a second to touch base on a few things here.
  1. I'm southern. We don't hold much back. If I wanted to outright insult the school system, I would have. After reading over my letter, after Hubby's and the teacher's feedback, I can see how there's a little sting to it- an eloquent sting (that's what we southerners are known for), but nonetheless, a sting. She's lucky I didn't add Bless your heart instead of a Thank you at the end, but that wasn't the intent of my letter. 
  2. Arizona schools are ranked #43 out of 51 (Washington, DC is counted as its own entity) in the nation. In Arizona, Tucson Unified District is ranked 228 out of 355. So, putting my letter aside, this school system is, in itself, insulting. Both of my kids are in the Gifted and Talented programs at their schools, but that only does so much, you know? The only way to fully describe what's going on in my head with this whole scenario is with an analogy... 
All the states in the US are in a pie baking competition. Apparently, New Jersey has the best pie right now, with, hell, I don't know, an amazing triple chocolate chess pie. Arizona is cooking up some liver and onion pie. Sure, it's not as horrible as the skunk meat and rotten potatoes pie that Mississippi is apparently cooking up, but it's not good either. But, of the minced meat pies, my kids' group cooked up the best liver and onion pie of all the liver and onion pies in this area. Still doesn't mean that liver and onion pie is gonna win the entire pie competition, nor does it mean the liver and onion pie is even edible some days. Will it sustain you? Sure. But overall, it stinks to high heaven. So, I'm supposed to be happy with my kids' liver and onion pie, when I know my kids are triple chocolate chess pie potential, and have access to the triple chocolate chess pie ingredients? Oh hell no. I want chocolate pie for my kids.

So, while I do feel bad I offended one of The Girl's teachers (still torn as to why I feel bad- I really shouldn't), I stand by my letter today. It may have been slightly bitchy, but it could have been much worse.

This is why I shouldn't write letters before my coffee in the morning...
Or why I should write more. The jury is still out on that one.

Found out just a few hours ago that my kids have been accepted to an online school, so our ingredients for triple chocolate chess pie are right around the corner. I can't wait!

I love chocolate pie...

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Friday, December 12, 2014

Friday Frenzy- Tales from Toddlerville: The Fecking Elf Came Back

(Today, I'm happy to welcome Serendipity from Mother of Serendipity for Friday Frenzy. When I first virtually met her, and checked out her blog, I couldn't stop laughing. While her writing style is a little of this, little of that, she writes the most amazing- and hilarious- songs and modern nursery rhymes. You definitely need to check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)


Tales from Toddlerville: The Fecking Elf Came Back

So, yeah, Toddlerville has a fecking elf. He arrived last year in a fit of desperation on my part. Trapped at home As a stay at home mom of not one, but TWO rambunctious toddlers in a small NYC apartment, I was game to try anything that might get them to calm down as the holidays approached. The idea of a house elf who would do cute things and inspire them to not behave like lunatics make better choices was undeniably appealing.

Of course, in my fuzzy little daydreams, I neglected to factor in my Boy's monkey-like speed and agility, which are only matched by his natural desire to "examine" ALL THE THINGS. If you can imagine Wreck-It Ralph as a young child, you'd not be far off from my kid. He breaks shite just looking at it.

Which is why our elf Donny didn't do much last year except try to find the highest shelf in the

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Game of War and Banana Smears

I just want to thank Kate Upton for stealing my husband from me.

Thanks to that damn commercial she did for the "Game of War" cell phone game, I haven't seen my husband's face in weeks. And all he talks about are alliances, battles and loyalty.
Pic Courtesy

I swear, he thinks this shit is real.

So this morning, the shit did get real- for him, when it comes to this game. I'll set the scene for you, before unleashing our conversation.

I had just woken Hubby up for the day, and was sitting on the bed, eating a banana beside him. He grabbed his phone, like he does the second he wakes up, and opened that damn game. I was trying to plan our day, but he was balls deep in his phone. I looked at his screen to see what he was reading that was so damn intense, and saw a long message (you can send messages in this game) with a drawing of a chick beside it.

Me: Who's the chick?
Hubby: (reading)
Me: Hello? Chick? Who is she? Chicks actually play this game?
Hubby: It's not a chick, it's a drawing of a chick.
Me: No shit, Sherlock. It's called an avatar. I might not play your nerd war game, but I know

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Hell Week Post #3: Zombie Virus, Anyone?

It's been established that last week was one of the worst weeks in a very long time for me. Monday kicked off with Hubby and I making one of the largest decisions ever for our kids, and Tuesday will forever be known as The Day We Crushed The Ginger's Innocence.

Now, we're going to mosey on over to Wednesday. And for the record, I seriously thought these events were more spaced out; they felt more spaced out. I didn't realize until I started writing the Hell Week series that they were back-to-back-to-back days. I can't believe I'm alive.

Before I can fully get to Wednesday, I have to backtrack somewhat to Tuesday. I woke up that morning with my throat hurting... again. Since I've lived in Arizona (2 years now), I've had strep throat about half a dozen times. Then, I've had something that tested negative for strep, but they gave me the strep meds anyway, about 3-4 times. So, Arizona is trying to kill me.

Back to Tuesday. Woke up with a sore throat, which was compounded by hot flashes followed by cold spells as the day went on. I was weak, shaking and just felt like general ass (as opposed to major ass- General Ass is much bigger... ha! I made a military joke...). I had a crap load to do that day, though, so I trudged through my day, and collapsed that night in bed.

Woke up Wednesday and couldn't ignore it anymore. On top of every symptom from the previous day, I now had a raging headache and some hella sinus pain and pressure. The back of my throat looked like a zombie's face, and the lymph nodes in my neck were the size of shooter marbles, and quite tender. Time to head to the ol' doc.

Let me pause for a second to tell you about how I never really see my actual doctor. He's never seen

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Hell Week Post #2: The Day We Crushed The Ginger's Innocence

A few days ago, I posted the first of 3 in a series I'm calling "Hell Week", chronicling one of the craziest weeks I've ever had. Post #1, We Aren't Trying to Ruin Our Kids' Lives, I Swear was all about how last week, Hell Week, started out on Monday with Hubby and I making the biggest decision ever for our kids- the decision to homeschool them.

Now we're skedaddling on to Tuesday of last week, or the day that will forever be known as The Day We Crushed The Ginger's Innocence.

Yeah, we know why you are winking, big guy. We'll
keep your secret, until our kids are 10, apparently.
I was 10 when I asked my dad about the true existence of Santa Claus. I had done my research, presented him with evidence as we were wrapping presents one afternoon, and gave him a stern, "So, Dad, is Santa real?"

Without skipping a beat in the wrapping process, he said, "Nope. The idea of Santa is real, but as far as a fat guy with reindeer delivering presents, he's not real. We parents just keep the idea of Santa alive for kids." 

Fair enough, and props to my dad for an amazing explanation, right?

Hubby was 10 when he was told about Santa, as well. He had younger brothers, so his parents told him so he could help with the Christmas Eve shenanigans at night.

The Girl apparently figured everything out the Christmas she was 9 years old, but didn't mention it until the following Christmas, when she was 10. I guess Santa left a receipt for some Webkins laying around and she found it; forgetful Santa...

This year, The Ginger is 10. We're having to do a small Christmas, so the fact that half of our

Friday, December 5, 2014

Friday Frenzy: There are Certain Acts that People Feel Compelled to do Around the Holidays That are Utterly Ridiculous....

(Today's post comes from Lady Goo Goo Gaga, whose blog is one of the funniest, real blogs I've ever come across. She says the things we all want to, in a way that every mom can definitely understand. Check out her blog, and you can also follow her on facebook! ~Tatted Mom)


There are Certain Acts that People Feel Compelled to do Around the Holidays That are Utterly Ridiculous....

While I am rushing around trying to get all of my shopping done, baking, frantically doing Christmas cards, among other holiday activities, there are some maniacs abound that apparently have all the time in the world to do ridiculous things to celebrate the birth of Jesus.
It's annoying.
Here are some examples:
#1 - Miscellaneous Elf on the Shelf Antics:
Some of the images I have seen of people's elves is disturbing.
I think it's a cute idea, we have an elf at our house.
I also think it's funny and cute that your Elf dances on a pole, drinks your wine or takes a shit, and you post it on Facebook. However, when your "Elf" has time to "undecorate your entire Christmas tree," that's neither cute nor funny.
It's an indicator that your "Elf" has too much time on her hands.
Most of us barely have enough time and energy to decorate the tree the first time, and when we do we are on the verge of divorce.
If you are so bored that you have fictional characters "come into your house and create housework for

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Hell Week Post #1: We Aren't Trying to Ruin Our Kids' Lives, I Swear

I am officially labeling this week as "Hell Week," and it's only Thursday. It's been so amazingly, sweet-ass awesome (can you sense my sarcasm?), that it's going to warrant 3 posts from me.
My mantra right now...

Yes, 3 posts. I can't cram all of this week into one post. It would look a lot like a busted can of biscuits if I tried, and I don't like to make my readers' heads explode.

I will, however, give y'all a teaser of what my week has entailed, and then we'll just jump right into the first part of my week.

This week, Hell Week, started off with Hubby and I making one of the largest decisions we could possibly make for our kids- The Girl is still barely speaking to us because of it. Mid-week, we crushed The Ginger's innocence forever, and just after that, I contracted what can only be a precursor to the Zombie Virus. That's my Hell Week thus far, and please knock on some wood for me that the remainder of the week does NOT warrant a fourth post in this series.

So now that you have an overview of this week for me, let's just head right into one of the biggest decisions I've ever made as a parent, shall we?

Monday morning, as the kids were getting ready for school, The Ginger opened up his homework folder (keep in mind that last week was Thanksgiving, so the kids have been out of school since the Wednesday before this), and threw his head back. Tears started filling his eyes.

The Ginger: Mom, can I PLEASE stay home from school today?
Me: Nope. But why do you ask?
The Ginger: Because my state report is due today and I forgot all about it. I didn't work on it at all this weekend.
Me: Nope, sorry. You didn't do your homework, so you need to fully understand the consequences to

Friday, November 28, 2014

Friday Frenzy: I Have the Perfect Body!

(Today's Friday Frenzy post come from Mari over at Living in Mommywood. Her bold attitude and similar view on life had me loving her from the moment I hit her blog. She writes about motherhood, womanhood, society, and her philosophy on life: Live, Love, Laugh. I seriously adore this woman, so please check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)


I Have the Perfect Body

Wow now that's a bold title!

Really, is it?

Heck no!

In my eyes, in my mirror...I have the perfect body.

I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I eat right, I use moderation in my choices and don't deprive myself of any treats. I don't beat myself up if I have pizza, and I pat myself on the back when I pass on that piece of cake.

I workout several times a week, but you will never find me in a gym. That is not the setting for me. I practice Yoga, and walk in the park, and go up and down stairs when I can. I also opt for walking and leave my car when I am in the mood.

I take care of my skin and all around hygiene. I don't mistreat my face with products that promise

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Cheese Farts, and Other Birthday Happenings for The Ginger

10 years ago today, The Ginger was born. He surprised us back then (we were told, based on 2 ultrasounds, that he was a she), and surprises me every single day since then.

You can read all about his birth here. I promise you, it's a doozie of a birth story.

But today I want to talk about this birthday, his 10th birthday.

He came to me 4 days ago with a list.

Me: What's this?
The Ginger: The list of kids I want to invite to my birthday party.
Me: Honey... it's too late for a party. We talked about this 2 weeks ago...

The look of devastation on his face almost killed me. He crumpled up the paper, threw it into the trash, and ran off to his room.

I let him vent for a few minutes and then called him back downstairs.

Me: Honey, do you remember when you got home from your friend's birthday party 2 weeks ago and you said you wanted a party?
The Ginger: Yeah.
Me: Do you remember what I told you?
The Ginger: No.
Me: I told you then, that if you really wanted a party, we needed to spend the next day making your invitations, because they needed to go to school with you that Monday. You have to give people at least a week to RSVP, and the RSVP should be about a week before the party so we

Friday, November 21, 2014

Friday Frenzy- I've Got Balls of Steel

(Today I'm very happy to welcome Mary from Outmanned here for Friday Frenzy. Being the only female in a house full of males (though she's pregnant with a girl now!), she writes her way through the hilarious happenings. Every one of her posts makes me laugh out loud, so definitely check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)

I've Got Balls Of Steel

Ever since 50 Shades of Grey took the stay at home mom market by the nipple clamps, Ben Wa balls have started popping up (hopefully not out!) everywhere. As an over-worked, under-rested, I-can't-remember-the-last-time-I-had-sex mother of two, I naturally assumed that I had about as much use for a pair of Ben Wa balls as I did an alarm clock or a bathroom door.

Surely, sex toys are for energetic sex-nymphs with delicate vaginas: the kind that should only be talked about in hushed, reverent tones, and inspire floral paintings. Mine, on the other hand, is gnarled and scarred like a war veteran. She is hard as nails. Don't get me wrong. I have the utmost respect for my vagina, but my overwhelming thought while reading 50 Shades was "Oh honey, my vagina could eat you for breakfast."

What use did I have for Ben Wa balls when the closest thing I was having to kinky sex was the time I fell asleep half-way through?

Ben Wa balls offer more than a smutty story to tell your friends. The muscles used to hold the marble-sized steel balls in your vagina are the same muscles responsible for stopping urinary

Thursday, November 20, 2014

A Work-at-Home Mom's Ultimate Fantasy

Today, I'm absolutely knackered (and maybe have been watching too much of the British TV show "Call the Midwife"). I'm on the verge of throwing myself a small Pity Party, complete with Cheese and Whine and I-Scream.
Sorry, just my witty sense of humor...

This is a pretty rare occurrence, so I think you should join me.

I find myself fantasizing every day now, caught in a particular daydream at different points throughout my packed schedule; a daydream that is so amazing that I never want to come back to reality.

Ryan Gosling? Nope, not this time.

This fantasy involves my family- sometimes the kids, sometimes Hubby, sometimes the whole gang, looking right at me, holding out a hand, concern in their eyes, and saying, "Mom/Honey, what can I do to help you with everything?"

OMG, the bliss. I get all excited just thinking about it, then I'm plummeted back into reality and continue dusting, or vacuuming, or folding clothes.

I completely understood what I was getting myself into when Hubby and I got back together 3 years

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Surging My Kids into My Past

I ordered a 12 pack of Surge last week.

Yes, the heart-attack-inducing, tastes-how-I-envision-ghosts'-ectoplasm-tasting, colored-like-something-from-a-nuclear-waste-site Surge.

Shipping details say it will be here today.

I'm like a kid on Christmas Eve right now.

As a parent, will I be sharing Surge with my kids, aged 12 and almost 10?

You bet your sweet ass I am.

I'm the Mom who forces the 80s and 90s on my kids. They've seen "The Goonies," (The Ginger liked it more than The Girl), "The Princess Bride" (didn't like it), "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" (liked that one), the TV show "All That" (they loved it), "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" (The Girl adores that show), and countless other fave movies and shows from my childhood ("Camp Nowhere" and "Newsies" are next, and I was totally bummed to find seasons 1 and 2 of "Blossom" available, but due to legal rights of songs in the show, no more seasons of "Blossom" will ever be released on DVD. Super saddening...).

I'm not quite sure why I introduce so many things from my childhood to my kids. I've talked with other moms; I seem to be the biggest 80s/90s Dealer of them all, offering my kids episodes of "Saved By the Bell" like they are crack. ("Here, just try one episode, please... We don't have to watch any more if you don't like this one, just give it a try.") Most moms I know just let their kids watch what

Friday, November 14, 2014

Friday Frenzy: Time to Burn My Nursing Bra

(Today I welcome Cristi from Easy Being Mom for today's Friday Frenzy post. She started her blog as a form of writing through the craziness that is being a stay-at-home-mom, so I could immediately relate to her posts. Her blog is cute, funny and full of stories that make you realize you aren't alone in this world when it comes to parenting. Definitely check her out!! ~Tatted Mom) 

Time to Burn My Nursing Bra
Pic Courtesy

It’s finally happened, after over 4 years of nursing my two boys I have moved past the nursing stage!  It really feels like forever since my boobs were my own; my littlest boy took some time to get the idea of nursing but once he started he never wanted to stop!  He’s nearly three now and the only reason he’s not still nursing is because the little bugger bit me so hard that my left breast ached for days.  He wasn’t happy about it but adjusted surprisingly quickly; it took about three days for me to be able to hold him without worrying about having my clothes ripped off and my boob mangled!

You know it’s time to stop nursing when the baby (toddler!) is able to access the food supply on his own.  No matter what shirt I wore or which bra, he was somehow able to worm himself in there.  It was only when I had a sweatshirt on that he was truly stymied (but who wants to wear a sweatshirt all summer, even when it’s the crappiest summer we’ve had in a long time!)

So now I’m free.  My husband asked me the other day if I felt less connected to my boy now that he

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Change is Upon Us (Working Title: My Chocolate Boob Life)

I've spent a couple of weeks contemplating whether or not I should write this post. No, it's not about a controversial parenting topic, or my opinion on a headline-making subject.

It's simply about me, and sometimes that's scary, putting yourself out there to the world.
Pic Courtesy

I'm going through a change right now (no, not the change; I'm only 33... though I wouldn't mind not being a raging bitch having a period once a month), and it took a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday to make me realize that it was time for this post, time to word-vomit it all out and see what happened.

So let's just jump right in, feet first. I'm really good at doing that in life...

5 years ago, you all would not have recognized me. 99% of you would not have liked me. If I had a blog back then, I can probably guarantee that any readers I had were just there for the drama. I was an extremely negative person, drama-filled, addicted to causing strife in people's lives who had wronged me.

Far cry from the meditating, positive, tree-hugging, respectfully opinionated and eloquently-spoken person I am today, huh? My friend told me she couldn't picture me that way. I told her she didn't want to.

Hell, I hated myself back then. But you fall into these destructive patterns, and it's like a huge, negative snowball rolling after you, that you have to feed with fire and rage to stay 1 step ahead of it or else it will crush you. I chose to stay ahead of the snowball by trying to make everyone around me just as miserable as I was.

Then I woke up one morning and I had no idea who I was. I had no idea who my kids were, and I saw my life for the crumbling heap that it was. I didn't want to be that person anymore; not for my sanity, not for my kids, not for my future.

So I ran away. Most people would say that's not a healthy option, that you need to stay and face your demons. Not for me. For me, running away allowed me to clear my head from the negativity in my

Friday, November 7, 2014

Friday Frenzy: When Best Laid Plans Go Bad

(Today, I'm happy to welcome Traci from A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen's Momma. Her blog hilariously chronicles her daily life as a mom of 4- three of which are "slightly" dramatic girls. Her facebook posts alone have me laughing so hard, realizing I'm not the only one who goes through some of this crazy motherhood stuff. Definitely check her out! Thanks, Traci!! ~Tatted Mom)


When Best Laid Plans Go Bad

Things don't always go as planned in parenting. Even the best intentions and well thought out plans can go awry. For us, the problem began with a blanket. Not just any blanket. THE blanket. The blanket that we swore would not be a problem long before our daughter was even born. You see, we are SMART parents and learned our lesson the first time. We were not going to let our fourth child grow an attachment to any particular item.

No matter what.

But as I said....best laid plans...

It all started with child number two. She was addicted to the binky. You know. THAT child. She couldn't function without that thing hanging out of her drooly little mouth. She slept with it, ate with it, even talked with it. And some days, she double fisted that sucker, and slurped on two of them at the same time! It was pure torture (mostly for us) to take that thing away because we are worn down wimps, which led to her having it well past what would be considered "kosher" in the parenting world. (She was three when we finally conquered that battle)

But we are smart. So we learned our lesson, and adapted a NEW plan with child number three. NO binky. Solved that problem. (Pats self on the back)

Fast forward to child number three. Since she didn't have a binky to attach herself to, she instead

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

WTF Wednesday- All My Favorite Shows are Getting Axed

I'm about done with television. I know I spend too much of my time watching it as it is, but when my favorite shows start getting cancelled, I'm thinking it's either a sign from above or a personal vendetta against me- one or the other.
"Witches of East End" RIP (Sigh)
Pic Courtesy and Article

First it was "Manhattan Love Story." Apparently this show got cancelled before I even started watching it this past weekend. I was laying in bed, recuperating from our Halloween garage walk-through, wanting to just lose myself for approximately 22 minutes. Cue "Manhattan Love Story" on Hulu.

Cute. Funny. Let you into the inner thoughts of men and women during the dating process. Unique, and I fell in love immediately.

Only to find that the 4 episodes on Hulu were the only 4 episodes that were ever going to air. That show got the ax back on October 24th. Well damn.

Then it was "A to Z," an adorable account of one couple's relationship "from a to z." It had the mom from "How I Met Your Mother" on it, so I figured it would work out and be a hit among HIMYM fans.

I was wrong. That show got the ax, too, but at least they are allowing the remaining episodes to air.

Then my friend tagged me in an article on facebook about how "Witches of East End" had been cancelled after 2 seasons.

WTF!! NOT "WITCHES OF EAST END!!" NOOOOOO....

That show is amazing. It's so cheesy, and so far fetched, that you HAVE to love it. And the cast is

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Our CarnEvil Garage Walk-through for Trick-or-Treaters

I've spent months talking about getting ready for Halloween, and pulling together our CarnEvil walk-through for the trick-or-treaters. Now that Halloween is done and over with for the year, and our CarnEvil went off without a hitch, I can finally share the pictures and video with you all, dear Inklingers.
Ringmaster and Creepy Clown
(Hubby and I)

It was AMAZING!!! We scared some kids, some parents, and even ourselves at some points. But, I felt the walk-through was a pretty even mixture of scary and cheesy, so much so that we had very brave 3 year olds go through, by themselves, and stare Hubby in the face when he (dressed as a creepy clown) popped out to scare them. (I got to watch a staring contest go down between Hubby and a Ninja Turtle who was 1/4 Hubby's size. It was epic.)

And, we had kids running and screaming for their lives. Pretty epic, too.

Hubby got high fives from dads holding screaming children, and my friend (the Bearded Lady) was getting compliments as she handed out candy to the kids who didn't want to attempt the walk-through. Overall, I don't think we had one negative thing said, and we got thanked about a thousand times, which yes, brought tears to my over-emotional face.

So now y'all get to see the behind-the-scenes look at some of the crafts, the diagram layout, and the video at the end has not only the walk-through (video quality kind of sucks, but it was dark), but more photos of the actual set-up inside. 

Overall, with crafts, costumes, plastic drapes and props from Spirit Halloween, I want to say we

Friday, October 31, 2014

Friday Frenzy: Halloween is Supposed to Be Magical

(This week, I'm very excited to welcome Anne, from Muse Mama, here for Friday Frenzy. When I first found her website, whose tagline reads "Life with a big family, a glass of wine and a touch of snark," I knew I'd fall in love. Then, to find out she's a witchy tree hugger like me- I immediately bookmarked her site. Her posts are real, heartfelt and really make you think, all while making you snicker to yourself because she lays it out as it is, and you can totally relate. Thank you, Anne, for participating, and everyone should definitely check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)


Halloween is Supposed to Be Magical 

I’m a witch. And Halloween (or Samhain as we call it) is a big holiday for us. Not for the reasons most people think, really. We don’t celebrate because it’s a day about witches and such. It’s a day about witches and such because it’s always been a Pagan celebration.

Samhain is our New Year, it’s our third harvest celebration, and it’s the day we believe that the veil is thinnest between this world and the next. So, on Samhain we honor our loved ones who’ve gone to the other side, with feasts and offerings.

This is the time we see our world changing, moving into winter when the earth will lie dormant. The Mother Goddess is in her third aspect: the Crone. And yet, we can see all the promises of a spring to come. Because in our faith death is never just death. It’s part of the cycle of birth and rebirth. Death is a hopeful promise of a new beginning.

So, you’d think me, at home, with seven children, we would be all over Halloween. There should be nothing but pumpkins on our doorsteps, and I should dust off my pointy hat to greet trick-or-treaters at the door.

There should be lavish costumes and laughter, as we toast the autumn, and revel in in its splendor.

It should all be magical.

Let me tell you, it’s never how I picture it.

Last Halloween I decided to take all the littles trick-or-treating with my neighbors.

Costumes were all put together hastily at the last minute by things gifted to us, leftovers from Halloweens past, and whatever else we had lying around.

My two year old decided he was having none of this being pushed around in a stroller business, nor

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Creating a Magical Life Part 5: Put Out What You Want to Get Back

Today's vlog post is the last part of my Creating a Magical Life web series, Put Out What You Want to Get Back. It focuses on flipping your perspective from focusing on the negative in your life to focusing more on the positive, which will, in turn, draw positive things to you.

Thank you to everyone who made this series possible, and I hope it's helped!




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Friday, October 24, 2014

Friday Frenzy: 5 Reasons Why It's Okay to Take Halloween Candy From Your Kids


(Today I'd like to welcome Amber from Airing My Dirty Laundry. She's a fellow Air Force wife, and her blog is awesome. She has found the perfect blend of everyday life, humor and realism that makes her writing completely relatable to all moms out there, so definitely check her out!)


5 Reasons Why It’s Okay To Take Halloween Candy From Your Kids

Halloween is coming!

Pic Courtesy
This means it’s time for candy. Candy excites me. I will take candy out of my children’s Halloween bags without feeling guilty at all. Why?

Let me tell you.

1. I Bought Their Halloween Costumes

That’s right. They wouldn’t have any costumes if it weren’t for me, therefore, they wouldn’t be given candy at all.

2. I’m Taking Them Around The Neighborhood

Instead of being stretched out on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy, I’m taking the kids out. I’m dodging families on sidewalks. I’m making sure my kids don’t get squished by cars that aren’t paying attention. I’m reminding them to say “thank you,” because sometimes the excitement of a full size

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Creating a Magical Life Part 4: Simplify Your Life

We're getting close to the web series being complete, and I'm so excited!

Today I posted part 4 of the Creating a Magical Life series, Simplify Your Life.

Any mom knows how stressful it gets trying to accomplish everything on a family's schedule! Maybe it's time to really take a look at that schedule and start scratching some items off! 

Simplifying your life can lead to reduced stress, increased happiness, and getting you one step closer to living your magical life!!

Don't forget to like/share/subscribe! Enjoy!!



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Friday, October 17, 2014

Friday Frenzy: Tag Teaming Punks

(I'm very happy to welcome Prairie Wife from Prairie Wife in Heels for today's Friday Frenzy post. Her blog is a little bit of everything from recipes and fashion, to everyday life and great mom giveaways, all with a country twist, which y'all know is close to my heart! Definitely check her out!! ~Tatted Mom)


Tag Teaming Punks

I’m feeling a little haggard this morning, and more than a little thankful it’s the day for my weekly Starbucks date with friends. You see, last night my children tag teamed me…this is a phrase that I have come up with for a strange occurrence that happens when you have more than one child. Somehow, through an unknown form of communication, my Cowkids all work together to ensure that Mommy doesn’t get any rest. It almost always happens on a day when you don’t get a nap, and when the following day is crazily abnormally busy. The end result of being tag teamed is a night of less than 4 hours of total sleep, and no more than an hour straight through. I will totally be following my own advice about coveringup undereye bags, so I can go to the previously mentioned coffee date without making small children cry when they see me.

It all began last night at around eight when I sent my tired happy kids to bed with a kiss and a song. This is really how they go to bed; we do not have any tears or arguing from the Cowkids at bed time. The Cowboy and I caught up on one of our favorite shows; DVR is one of the best inventions for mothers ever! Then it was time to get ready for bed. According

Thursday, October 16, 2014

17 Controversial Parenting Topics, Covered in 1 Post

I get emails all the time about "controversial" parenting topics: What are your views on attachment parenting... Why haven't you ever jumped on the breast vs. bottle bandwagon... Do you even have opinions on the strong stuff?

Of course I have opinions on the controversial parenting topics; that's like asking if a bear sh*ts in the woods. I'm a very opinionated person; I just also carefully choose which topics I spout off about and which ones just aren't worth the effort for me.

But not today. You all have asked, I have (finally) answered, but I decided to do it my way. Instead of taking each topic and creating an entire blog post about it (which I totally could have done- seriously, I'm great at climbing up on a soap box), I've decided to get straight to the point on 17 different topics.

Please bear in mind a few things:
  • This is my blog with my opinions. I'm just one person in this world. I feel I was respectful with my answers, so I would like the common courtesy in return when it comes to comments.
  • I'm a firm believer in parenting your family the way that works for you, regardless of what others say or think, as long as your family is safe. It's something I preach over and over in my book, "Tatted Mom's Guide to NOT Screwing Up Your Kids." I have respect for all parenting styles, but I do have opinions on some of them. Just because I share my opinion below doesn't mean I don't support moms who parent that way; we are all on this parenting journey together.
Without further ado, let's get to it. 

17 Controversial Parenting Topics, Covered in 1 Post

1. A mom who makes baby food isn't any "better" than a mom who buys jars of baby food.

2. I will tell my kids "NO!!" and yell and scream, if necessary. Quietly whispering to a child that maybe they shouldn't run out into the street in front of that oncoming traffic doesn't achieve the desired results I'm looking for.

3. Children age in months up until 2. Then, it's years. Your kid is not 36 months old, it's 3.

4. I believe in competition; it helps children realize their strengths and interests, and show them what skills they need to work on. If everyone is given a participation trophy, and no one is deemed a winner because of the possible repercussions on the kids who didn't win, then maybe those kids aren't made for that sport or activity. If we never teach kids about competition, and winning vs. losing, they

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Creating a Magical Life Part 3: Live in the Moment

Today I uploaded part 3 of my 5 part video series, Creating a Magical Life. It's on the importance of Living in the Moment. 

I truly believe living in the moment leads to a more stress-free life, happiness and a feeling a freedom.

I hope you all enjoy it!! Don't forget to like/share/subscribe if you do like the web series and want to see more!!






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Friday, October 10, 2014

Friday Frenzy: The Day Things Got Hairy at Disney World

(For today's Friday Frenzy, I'd like to welcome Michelle from Old Dog New Tits. Her blog is a refreshing look at all the dumbassery of life, and her voice is absolutely hilarious. Today's post had me cringing for her, it's so epic. Definitely check out her blog, and stalk her on social media- links are below! ~Tatted Mom)


The Day Things Got Hairy at Disney World

My family was on its first trip to Disney World. It was the four of us (son, 5 and daughter, 2) as well as my parents. My kids had a blast and wanted to ride everything they could but their age differential enabled my boy to take on a lot more of the rides than his sister. And he was still too young to know to fear the scary rides.

Enter that stupid Mission: Space ride at EPCOT.
I hate you, Mission: Space.

Now, first of all, I know what you’re thinking. “Mission: Space??? Michele, are you nuts? He was only five. I can’t believe you brought him on that terrifying shock to the nervous system.” To which I can only say, yes. Well, sort of yes. Disclaimer – the tragic story involving that ride happened just six weeks after we were there. Truly, no one realized how intense this ride really was at this point. But I digress …

So, because my daughter was clearly too young for this ride, Dave opted to sit it out with her. And my parents hung back with them. My boy was all excited about the space ride so what’s a mom to do?

Right? Of course, right.

It was one of the newer rides at the park so it comes with the tedious experience of waiting in a Disney line that weaved through a maze of snotty ropes, germy handrails and darkened corridors intended to get us all in a space-y mood by the time we reached the core. After nearly an hour had passed, we got to the end of the line and waited in a small holding room with maybe 25-ish people to get into our respective “pods.” (Can’t you just feel the nerd?) And we waited and waited. And waited. Something was clearly wrong. There was a loud beep and everyone got quiet in anticipation of a voice coming over the PA to tell us what to do.

We’re all familiar with the expression “you could have heard a pin drop,” right? Well, that’s exactly how it was when my sweet little son, back then always armed with a million questions, turned to me in the deafening silence and said “Mommy” … and then he paused … ’cause clearly there was gonna be more.

I turned to my boy and said “What?” … expecting any number of predictable, mundane statements

Thursday, October 9, 2014

If Only My Period Was a Super Power...

I'm normally not an overly sensitive person. It takes a lot to get my blood boiling or to incite anger from me.
Period Woman- My custom Super Hero
created by the Hero Machine.
This was too much fun!!!

Unless, of course, I'm PMSing or actually on my period. Then, a simple look can set me off on an angry onslaught of pure emotional babble.

So, how awesome is it that my monthly visitor has chosen its time to grace me with its presence when my kids are on Fall Break from school for a week, which also happens to be the same week I told Hubby I'd help him lose 5 pounds in a week (by fixing all of his meals and helping him with portion control) to get ready for his upcoming PT (physical training) test with waist measurement?

F*cking awesome, that's right.

In my defense (before I even get started, yes, that's how I roll), I think my family knows I'm highly sensitive and purposefully chooses that time to screw with me. I think it's a fun game of Mom's PMSing, How Close to Making Her Head Explode Can We Get?

Pretty damn close, that's for sure.

My kids aren't even the culprit this particular month- unless you count constantly asking me stupid questions from some poll app- seriously, I don't give a crap to think about whether I'd rather live with snakes under my bed or spiders on my ceiling, so stop asking (snakes... no, spiders... dammit! I've wasted too much brain power already...)

It's Hubby.

This morning's conversation is a prime example:

Me: You know I love rain, and yesterday it was awesome. Today, I really wish it wasn't raining.
Hubby: Why? You can live in rain.
Me: I understand I can, but I have stuff I need to do today.
Hubby: We lived in England for 3 years; you know how to do anything in rain that you could do

Friday, October 3, 2014

Friday Frenzy: Action/Reaction

(I'm very happy to welcome Meredith from The Mom of the Year here today for Friday Frenzy. Her blog is a little bit of everything, with a whole lot of laughs, and her unique writing voice has been featured in many popular parenting humor anthology books. A huge thanks to Meredith for participating in Friday Frenzy, and y'all should definitely check out her site! ~Tatted Mom)


Action/Reaction

It was happening.
Pic Courtesy
So there I was. Feeling completely Mom of the Year-ish after successfully moving my son from 3T into 4T clothing. All you non-kid people just skimmed over this sentence without blinking. The rest of you understand why I was fully expecting the equivalent of the Publisher’s Clearing House Prize truck to pull up in my driveway. Some weak soul who just scaled Everest would limp out to hand me a shiny metallic urn-like award and tell me that I had just achieved the greatest accomplishment known to mankind. Switching these kiddos up to the next size is no joke, people. Move aside screaming newborns, this is birth control.

Feeling extraordinarily proud of myself, I snatched up a jacket I had thrown by the closet to put away. I was going to hang it up, close the door, and wash my hands of another season of sorting little outfits. My daughter, however, had other notions. She saw me open the closet door and ran screaming towards her brother’s raincoat (her new garment of choice). She also demanded I get down her backpack and the toy I stashed on the top shelf (because it just has too many tiny pieces and annoys me). I successfully got the jacket hung, but was left with 3x as many other objects now littering my hallway.

It’s the scientific, or Newton’s, or whatever-you-want-to-call-its law: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

For instance, I will somehow magically score a night-out with my husband (remember that guy who is pretty hot and I used to date?), but footing the bill for the sitter will make me sick, and staying up

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Creating a Magical Life Part 2: Gratitude

Last week I started the Creating a Magical Life web series with the intro video and step 1, Be Yourself. Today I uploaded Part 2: Gratitude.

In my opinion, this is the step that changed my life the most for the better. As I explain in the video, I suffered from depression for about a decade, and once I started actively practicing Gratitude, my life changed forever. I stand here, 5 years later, having overcome my depression, and I fully believe Gratitude played a huge roll.

I hope you enjoy the video, and the series, Creating a Magical Life. Be sure to subscribe to get the next video delivered directly to your inbox!


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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Woes of a Sports Mom

Tonight, The Girl's volleyball team plays in the semi-finals of the district volleyball tournament. We're all really excited, here at the Tatted Mom house...

Except... well... there's that one... no, I can't say it.

Wait. I can. It's my blog. I'm here to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of parenting. So, (deep breath)...

There's a small part of me that hopes they lose.

(Breathe out) OMG, I can't believe I just said that.

When you become a Sports Mom, you sign on for everything sports-related; morning practices, weekend practices, chauffeur to places in the county (or state if it goes that far) that you didn't even know existed (I'm sure the section of town the school was in for the quarter-finals last night used to be amazing...). Your schedule revolves around the sport's schedule, and for the last few months, we have ate/slept/breathed volleyball.

I love volleyball. I played in high school. And now I know how my mom felt.

Touche, Karma, touche.

Of course I want my child and her team to succeed. They only lost 1 game during the regular season,

Friday, September 26, 2014

Friday Frenzy: Why the Frick Can't I Cuss in Front of Kids?

(I'd like to welcome Melissa from Home on Deranged here for today's Friday Frenzy post. Her family life blog has everything from humor, to crazy life stories, to reviews and giveaways. She has a quirky side I love, and I'm very happy to have her here, and participating in Friday Frenzy! Thank you, Melissa!! Y'all definitely need to check out her website, and stalk follow her on social media sites! ~Tatted Mom)

Why the Frick Can’t I Cuss in Front of Kids?

It’s been said that people who swear a lot tend to be more honest, loyal and upfront with their friends. So I’m about to be a mother-effer’ up in here, m’kay?

When we lived in our pre-children state of marriage, I swore. A lot. I come from a newspaper background, and if you didn’t drink, smoke, swear, tell dirty jokes, you seriously did not fit in the newsroom.

When we had our first girl, I thought, what the heck? I’ll give up all of it. At once. Oh. Mah. Gawd. I might as well have given up food. But I was pregnant, so that wasn’t going to happen.

The second one came only 15 months after the first, so I didn’t have time to do any of the fun stuff. Oh, I’m kidding. I swore like a sailor. Because all the hormones that rushed out of me and then back into me quickly left me thinking, “What in the hell is going to happen next?”

And so….I try not to curse when the tiny little 2 and 3 year old ears are around. I occasionally say “crap,” and have heard the 2 year old say, “Oh, crap.” Never directed at anyone, mind you, but just a general state of her concern, usually over the placement of toys.

But these days, I get rattled. A lot. My anti-depressants aren’t always enough, and lately, I’ve resorted to saying “fuck.” A lot. You know, in its proper verb, adjective, noun, and/or adverb usage. It’s liberating, I ain’t gonna lie to you. But it turns out, the soccer moms, gymnastics moms, and

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Generation Z is For...

Apparently, I'm getting old. Each day, I see or hear something from a member of my kids' generation (yes, sometimes from my kids themselves) that makes me think,

"What is WRONG with the kids of today? That did NOT happen when I was a kid."

Take this past weekend, for example. Hubby and I went to a Godsmack, Seether, and Buck Cherry concert.

I will pause for a second to say, Holy crap, what an AWESOME concert!! 

Now, back to my story. The crowd was filled with people from the age of 3 (yes, you read that right- there were quite a few people who brought their toddlers to the concert, a few of which put their toddlers on their shoulders to make it to the front of the crowd, near the stage- I haven't figured out if that's awesome parenting, or horrible parenting yet...) up through probably 60-something. The largest age group was probably 20-somethings, or early to mid 30-somethings like Hubby and I.

But it was the teenage group that made me want to bang my head against the wall the most.
Pic Courtesy

The first thing I noticed, about 5 minutes after walking into the stadium, was a group of children- yes, CHILDREN- who couldn't have possibly been more than 15 or 16 years old, wearing bras and a simple bandanas tied around their chests as "shirts."

I actually paused in front of them to ask where their mothers were, when Hubby grabbed my shirt and led me down the stairs.

There's no reason in hell- actually, there's 50,000 reasons in Hell, no reasons here on Earth- these MINORS should have left the house dressed like that. And, if they left the house dressed like a proper 15 year old CHILD, and then changed into that, they need to be grounded until they are 18.

Back in my day, it was a short skirt and maybe a midriff top or low-cut shirt that we rebellious teenagers changed into after we left the house- NOT A HANDKERCHIEF.

I wanted to take a picture so badly for you all, but I didn't want my site to be flagged for child porn. Seriously. It was that bad.

And it doesn't really get better, sorry to say.

There were girls walking around in just bras and shorts. Bathing suit tops, I understand. Not bras. Thankfully, though, those girls looked like college students... doesn't make it "better" per say, but it

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Creating a Magical Life Part 1: Be Yourself

A few months ago I really started thinking about sharing my life philosophy with people. I tend to look at the world in a unique way, which helps me live a happy, minimally-stressed, productive life.

A Magical Life.

It's definitely something I wanted to share with others, to try and help them start creating, and living, their own magical lives.

This is a web series, 5 parts in all, and this first video covers my introduction, why I wanted to do this web series, and my first personal life philosophy: Be Yourself.

I hope you all enjoy it, and be sure to like it and subscribe so you get the next video in the series delivered right to your inbox when I publish it!

Have an amazing, magical day!! ;)





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Friday, September 19, 2014

Friday Frenzy: My Six Year Old Is Ready to Start Dating

(For Today's Friday Frenzy, I'd like to welcome Ashley from Crazy Life of Smash! Her writing style is amazing, and when we first started emailing about her guest post, she confessed, "I have a bad mouth, is that a problem?" I knew she'd fit in perfectly here on Inklings. Plus, she mentioned Ryan Gosling in her post- a girl after my own heart!! Be sure to check out her blog and find out where else you can stalk her at the end of her post! Huge thanks to Ashley for being a part of Friday Frenzy!! ~Tatted Mom)


My Six Year Old Is Ready to Start Dating…

Children have no understanding when it comes to the difference between male and female friendships. Sure, when they are younger, girls often tend to gravitate to girls and boys gravitate to boys, but they play equally together and have no qualms about co-ed play, nor do parents. However I have recently learned that there comes a point in every parents life - every child’s life- when they start to look at the relationships with boys and girls differently.

Haydan’s first love was Justin Bieber. Somehow between her 6 grandparents, she ended up with a **SINGING** Justin BEAVER doll and her his Christmas album. It was awful. I had a Justin Bieber doll that sang living in my home and my car blasted Beaver Christmas songs. Thankfully my car was the only place we have a CD player. No, really…. thank you, God.

If you’ve ever read any of my other posts in the past, you will know that I was pulled over one day on a drive from San Diego to Phoenix by the CA Highway Patrol. A nice police officer issued me not one, but two tickets and an entire situation erupted—which you can read more about here.

However, after the police officer wrote my two tickets and got back in his vehicle, Haydan yells from the backseat: ‘Oh, Momma! He was so handsome! I like men with tan skin and mustaches!’ I just sort of blew off her new budding romance with the police officer and Justin Bieber and kept driving…figuratively and literally. However, her attraction to the male gender has not seemed to slow down.

It started the first week of school with a grand idea on Haydan’s part to have a sleepover with all her buddies. I had just picked her up from school and she informed me that her and her pal had decided to throw a ‘slumber party’…..at our home. I can’t remember the age I was when I had my first slumber party but I was all in! ‘Sure!’ I told her, ‘Sounds like a great plan!’ She was so excited and told me all about her plans: the kids could watch a movie together in