It all started in 2010 when I advertised for the position of my personal Holiday Bitch Filter. In 2011, I launched the seasonal Stick Removal R Us business in New Holiday Service Available, because I was tired of dealing with people with sticks up their asses when I ventured outside to do my happy shopping. Last year, I went looking for someone to fill the roll as Tatted Mom's Brain for the holiday season.
This year, God help us all with my current job need.
This person will pretty much deal with the outside world for me, and filter out all of the bullshit, shifting naughty scenarios to nice ones, thus keeping me from going on a candy cane vodka drinking binge this year.
Specific job duties include:
- Checking the mail. Nothing pisses me off more than running to the mailbox and not finding that gift I ordered 3 effing weeks ago in it. The shipping window was over 2 days ago, where in the hell is my kid's ninja hoodie, dammit? So, as my Naughty-to-Nice Shifter, you will check the mail for me, hunt down the mailman, if necessary, and definitely send nasty emails to the company that did not have the gummy bear scented body spray to me in a timely fashion, so I can remain blissfully ignorant and in a nice mood.
- Monitoring all online forums. I am a member of a lot of online mom groups- some local, most are not local. I can only see the post, "Hey, does anyone know what time Target closes?" a certain number of times before I want to do something naughty like type out, "It took you longer to type out that damn question and wait for an answer than it does to just go to Target's website and effing look yourself," gouge my eyes out with pencils, stab the 17th person who asked that in a 24 hour period, and inevitably get banned from that group forever. So, your job would be to monitor all of my online groups and never let me know how many times people would have pissed me off.
- Deciding when to let me know about a sale, and when to hide the sale from me. This job is two-fold. When a company runs an amazing deal, I tend to buy things for my kids that weren't on the original list. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is naughty. And then, sometimes the company puts an item on sale 2 days after I buy it, really angering me. Your job will definitely be to hide the after-I've-purchased-it sales from me, so I continue thinking I've received the best deal possible, and selectively show me sales of items I wasn't planning on purchasing.
- Keep me from cutting a bitch in the grocery store. Ingredients for pecan pie, all written out and organized, just to get to the grocery store and watch someone put the last 10 bags of pecans into their shopping cart. That's a recipe for me cutting a bitch in the grocery store. 10 bags of pecans? Are you having pecan encrusted ham, pecan salad, roasted pecans, pecan pie and maybe some pecan ale for Christmas? Just let me have 1 bag- that's enough for my 2 pecan pies, and I won't have to call for a blood splatter clean-up on aisle 3. Your job as my Naughty-to-Nice Shifter is to do whatever it takes to keep me from seeing red in this scenario, whether it's negotiation, stealing the item out of their cart for me, or whipping out a sales ad for another grocery store that has the pecans in stock.
- Help play defense when it comes to my kids' Christmas presents. What? That box under the tree does NOT look to be the exact size and shape of the action figure you asked for. When my kids know what their presents are, and arrogantly share their thoughts with me, it seriously makes me want to head straight into the naughty zone by yelling, "Fine! I'll just take it back to the store, then, and get you underwear!!!" and possibly exchanging it for something they hate. Your job is to help me disguise the presents, and/or help get the kids off the train of thought that's leading them to figuring out what their presents are.
- Wine dispenser. If everything has failed that day, and no matter what anyone does, I end up on a naughty behavior spree, your best bet is to just feed me wine. Be prepared to have wine on hand, uncorked, poured, and hovering under my nose as you see my blood pressure rise.
Being able to perform this job will take a special set of skills.
- The ability to sugar-coat shit. Some scenarios are preventable, some are fixable, others just require spinning something naughty in a nice light. If you can't look at me while I'm complaining about the number of empty wine bottles laying around and tell me that at least we have plenty of corks to make that holiday cork wreath I saw on Pinterest, then don't even bother trying to be my Naughty-to-Nice Shifter.
- Cat-like reflexes. It takes me about 2.6 seconds to switch from nice to naughty, depending on the situation. My Naughty-to-Nice Shifter must be able to see the change about to occur, and effectively deal with it.
- A bitch, but not bitchier than me. I need someone who knows when to play the Bitch Card and when to fold her hand. If you are constantly in Bitch Mode, we'll bump heads like crazy when my Naughty Meter reaches max capacity. But, if you know when to put me in my place and when to let me be, we'll work together just fine.
- A wine drinker and/or holiday cakes and cookies consumer. This position pays in wine, holiday cookies and cakes, an amazing Christmas dinner, and laughs. If you were hoping for actual monetary compensation for the torturous number of hours you will work each week, then you will be sadly disappointed here.
Thank you for your interest in becoming Tatted Mom's Naughty-to-Nice Shifter. Bribes of wine and/or dark chocolate accompanying job applications are gratefully accepted.