Friday, December 20, 2013

5 Social Media Culprits that Kill My Christmas Spirit

Normally, I'm not a Bah Humbug type of person. I'm a cheery, Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, tinsel shooting out of my ass type of person this time of year, with the occasional, "Oh HELL no, where's the damn egg nog? They can NOT be sold out!"

Social media has killed me this year. I feel that part of my Christmas Spirit has been strangled, hung upside down and left for dead. Where I used to take pleasure in updating a facebook status, or checking out some tweets, I now find myself slamming my computer and pacing the floor just to calm down.

Let's break down some of the Christmas-Spirit-killing culprits that I'm sure you've seen on your social media sites this year...

1. 'Tis the season to donate to this charity (picture of an emaciated kid) or this charity (picture of a half dead dog) or what about this charity (picture of a child with a black eye). Yes. 'Tis the season for donating to charity, but must you post the most explicit pictures you possibly can in hopes of getting my money? Good grief, I'm scrolling through my news feed, hearing Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in the back of my head, tears forming, thinking, "Damn, I just wanted to see if so-and-so posted their family pictures yet, but now I feel like a piece of crap for not giving over all of our money to help save the platypus." 

2. I'm broke. Hint hint. So broke. I'm so broke. Hint hint. Broke. We got it. You're broke. And you want people to send you presents or money. We're pretty much all broke nowadays, but you aren't broke enough that you don't have internet access and/or a smart phone with unlimited data to update your status 5,496 times a day telling everyone you are broke.

3. I'm so thankful right now. This organization/charity/company just dropped off presents and food for my family because we couldn't afford stuff this year. Oh, and look at this $500 television I'm getting ready to buy my husband. Wait. Hold up. You couldn't afford presents and food for your kids,

Friday, December 13, 2013

4 Good Signs that You Have Raised Your Tween Daughter Right... So Far

Being a parent is crazy. It's stressful, chaotic, and full of ups and downs.

And then, when you least expect it, if you tilt your head and squint just right, you catch a glimpse of something that makes you realize that you are rocking this parenting thing.

My daughter, The Girl, is 11 years old and in the 6th grade, which in our area, is middle school. The middle schoolers of today are absolutely nothing like the way I was when I was in middle school, (cough) 15 (cough, grumble, cough) 20 years ago. My daughter comes home with horror stories from hell; crap straight off of an after school special. What these kids talk about, know about, and do, makes me want to lock The Girl in a closet until she's 25, just to shield her from it all.

Thank goodness it seems that so far... so far... fingers crossed... Hubby and I are raising a pretty awesome, morally sound, strong in her convictions, tween.

Which brings me to today's post. Yes, these scenarios all happened in the recent past, and yes, I couldn't be any prouder or any happier as a mom. Fingers crossed this keeps up through her teenage years and into adulthood. A mom's greatest dream...

1. While other 11 year olds around her are talking about "dating" and how "stressful" it is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, my daughter stares at them like they've grown a second head and simply states, "Why do you want to be in a "relationship"? You're 11." Amen, sista, amen. Real dating, and real relationships, take time, effort and a level of maturity that 6th graders just don't have. While my daughter's friends are stressing over why so-and-so hasn't returned their text in 2.5 seconds, The Girl is

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Holiday Job Opening 2013: Tatted Mom's Naughty-to-Nice Shifter

In true Tatted Mom Christmas style, I have yet another holiday position open for you all this year. Can't break tradition, right?

It all started in 2010 when I advertised for the position of my personal Holiday Bitch Filter. In 2011, I launched the seasonal Stick Removal R Us business in New Holiday Service Available, because I was tired of dealing with people with sticks up their asses when I ventured outside to do my happy shopping. Last year, I went looking for someone to fill the roll as Tatted Mom's Brain for the holiday season.

This year, God help us all with my current job need.

Now hiring for the holiday season, with possible permanent job placement after the holidays: Someone snarky, intelligent, ballsy and with nerves of steel to be my Naughty-to-Nice Shifter.

Job Description:
This person will pretty much deal with the outside world for me, and filter out all of the bullshit, shifting naughty scenarios to nice ones, thus keeping me from going on a candy cane vodka drinking binge this year.

Specific job duties include:
  • Checking the mail. Nothing pisses me off more than running to the mailbox and not finding that gift I ordered 3 effing weeks ago in it. The shipping window was over 2 days ago, where in the hell is my kid's ninja hoodie, dammit? So, as my Naughty-to-Nice Shifter, you will check the mail for me, hunt down the mailman, if necessary, and definitely send nasty emails to the company that did not have the gummy bear scented body spray to me in a timely fashion, so I can remain blissfully ignorant and in a nice mood.
  • Monitoring all online forums. I am a member of a lot of online mom groups- some local, most are not local. I can only see the post, "Hey, does anyone know what time Target closes?" a certain number of times before I want to do something naughty like type out, "It took you longer to type out that damn question and wait for an answer than it does to just go to Target's website and effing look yourself," gouge my eyes out with pencils, stab the 17th person who asked that in a 24 hour period, and inevitably get banned from that group forever. So, your job would be to monitor