Tuesday, September 3, 2013

When Things in Life Get Too Serious, Draw Penises

I used to be that chick that always had to talk through things, especially in relationships.

"What are you thinking right now? How do you feel? Where do you see us in a year, 5 years, 10 years? What's on your mind? What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Amazing emoticons for you from

I was also a raging bitch who verbally attacked people for no reason, lived life in paranoia and pissed-offedness, and was constantly starting fights to make myself feel alive.

I quickly realized a few things about life:
  1. Life runs smoothly when everything is as it should be.
  2. Being that chick is a serious buzz kill.
  3. It wasn't in my nature to be this emotional leech, sucking the life from anyone near me.
For years, I seemed to be this emotional parasite and found myself depressed, crazy, and spiraling downward. So, it took a series of bad relationships, and a serious bout of introspection to help me realize that life is too damn short to take things so seriously. My biggest piece of advice for people who still take life to the extreme, emotionally speaking, and want to change is:

When things in life get too serious, draw penises. 

Yep, you read that right. Draw penises. Of course I will explain.

I recently joined this kick-ass online mom's group. Yes, I said kick-ass which does go against previous posts I've written, but when you find a bunch of potty-mouthed, open-minded military wives in your area that just seem to "get" you, it's a beautiful thing. 

First impressions were not so amazing, though. Apparently, prior to my joining, they had some women join just to start drama. So, when this influx of new membership requests came in, the admins raised an eyebrow. Instead of approving the newbies and sitting back to see if any of them were there for drama, we newbies
were interrogated within hours of joining. One lady said it seemed like a witch hunt, and that's exactly what it felt like; the admins said they just wanted to weed out the drama starters (which I found on the ironic side, because by interrogating us for no reason, that was causing drama). A new friend of mine seemed to take the brunt of the hostility from one admin, and things got awkward quickly. People kept jumping in, trying to calm the situation, but as the tension kept rising, my Shit's Getting Too Serious Meter started beeping like a mofo. So, I did what any 32 year old woman who wants to ease the tension and stop the madness would do...

I tried to figure out how to draw emoticon penises. 

What happened as a result of my drawing emoticon penises, was a complete 180 degree turn of the comment thread. All of the women online started drawing their own emoticon penises, which turned into trying to figure out how to draw any naughty emoticons. Within a matter of minutes, the thread that was full of negative remarks and accusatory tones turned into a stream of "LMAOs", dirty emoticons and likes on everyone comments. Someone finally even commented that they loved how the thread ended up, compared to how it started. 

I honestly never thought I'd be the type of person I am today: free, easy going and always trying to make people laugh or lighten the mood. I've been serious my entire life, it feels like. I stressed myself out all through high school to get straight A's and work, and play sports, and do extracurricular nerd activities, and maintain somewhat of a social life. I burned myself out in high school so much that I never even finished college. When Hubby and I separated, instead of just enjoying life and the relationships that occurred during that time, I overanalyzed everything to the point where dating was no longer fun for me; it was more like a chore. I questioned anyone who wanted to be a part of my life, even as friend. As I look back now, it really isn't a huge mystery why I lived alone and drank myself to sleep every night after work. 

It was after a failed second major relationship during my separation from Hubby, one that left me crying for weeks even though I was the one cheated on, that I really started to look at my life. Why was I locked in the bathroom with a bottle of wine and a box of kleenex when I was the one cheated on? Why wasn't I the one out living life, glad to be rid of that asshole? The entire relationship was bullshit and one struggle after another, something I had wanted to get rid of way before I actually did walk away. I made the decision right then and there, with a mascara stained face and my bottle of moscato 3/4 of the way gone, that I would never take crap that seriously again. I'd live life, enjoy it as much as I could, and whatever would be, would be.

A few months later, Hubby and I started talking about getting back together, and I got a job at an amazing tattoo studio that understood I was a single mom and allowed me to work flexible hours. I was embracing life for the first time in years, and life was embracing me back, instead of fighting me every step of the way.

The transition back to married life was difficult at first, but when Hubby and I got into our first serious discussion, that's when I realized that I had developed my Shit's Getting Too Serious Meter at some point in that previous year. Things started heating up, emotions were raised, and I booped his nose- you know, touch your finger to the tip of someone's nose and say, "Boop!" Hubby had no idea wtf just happened, so he had no choice but to laugh. It broke the tension, we calmed down, and things were fine. 

For the last year that I've been here with Hubby, I can honestly say that we've been amazing- better than we ever have before, which supports my statement above that if things are meant to be, they will be easy. We hardly ever fight, and if we do, at some point my meter goes beeping like crazy and I have to cross my eyes and stick out my tongue, or wiggle my butt, or boop his nose. I can't deal with serious for too damn long- it drains me. 
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If everything in your life is one struggle after another, then take a look at what needs to change. Apparently you are going against the grain, and the universe is seriously trying to tell you to cut it out by throwing obstacle after obstacle in front of you. If you are on the right path, then your journey will be much smoother, I promise you. Of course you will hit a speed bump every now and then, but if you have to fight with your spouse, or friends, or neighbors, or random people you've never met before, to do things in your life, then you are trying to scale a 100 foot brick wall barefoot and covered in KY Jelly. Quit trying to climb it and figure out why the universe put that wall there... and then go around it (after washing the KY off of you- being covered in KY almost guarantees you'll be easily screwed again somewhere down the line). 

And draw penises. Not in front of kids, though. That's not cool. But, in the presence of adults, or just by yourself, ease the tension in your life by focusing your attention on something else. And if you are uncomfortable drawing penises, then try fluffy bunnies, or ducks and dinosaurs, but I promise you, turning into a 14 year old by drawing penises makes your mood lighten instantly. Draw realistic ones, cartoony ones, flying ones, dancing ones, whatever you'd like. Or boobs. You can draw boobs, too. Those are great.

So, here's a few to get you started. You're welcome. 
<==3 or this one will work, too 8==D

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  1. I think the world wanted an instructional video from you here at the end.

    Oh, that's just me?

    Couldn't be just me.

  2. That would get flagged on youtube, for sure. "Tatted Mom's Guide to Drawing Penises". It'd probably get a million hits before it was flagged, but it'd get flagged, lol.

  3. What is the online mom's group called that you rave about?

  4. I loved this so freaking much!