Thursday, September 26, 2013

I Wouldn't Lick My Coffee Mug or Use My Toothbrush, If I Were You

I've been MIA lately. Pretty legit reason this time, I promise...

Saturday I woke up at like 1 in the morning, my throat on fire. I immediately grabbed my phone and turned on my flashlight app (seriously, does anyone have actual flashlights anymore?) and looked at the back of my throat...

If we were to infect zombies with a flesh-eating virus to try and further their decomposition, then drop an atomic bomb on them, what would be leftover is what the back of my throat looked like. Yeah. That.

Considering The Ginger had strep throat two weeks earlier, and I was the person that stayed by his side through the entire thing, this wasn't a huge shock to me.

We moms take care of our kids and our spouses when they are sick, just to be rewarded with... getting sick weeks later. WTF, Universe? Can't we get a "Get Out of Strep Free" Card, for crying out loud? Sheesh.

So, I immediately started with antibiotics, in a half-preemptive strive, before the fever and all other bullshit set in. With The Ginger, after the first dose of antibiotics, he started feeling better. Two doses in and he was asking to play video games again instead of passing in and out of consciousness on the couch. Three doses and he was back to his old self, eating me out of house and home.
The movie "Jawbreaker"

Only, 3 doses of antibiotics later and I was worse off than ever. Fever was close to 102, chills, my entire body felt like a Mack Truck had hit me, then put it in reverse and ran over me again, my lymph nodes were so swollen I looked like the dead chick in the movie "Jawbreaker," and I could barely sit up in bed to take a sip of anything. I made Hubby take me to a different doctor, where my strep test came back negative, but upon the doctor's examination of my apocalyptic throat, assessed that I did indeed have strep, and gave me different antibiotics, and a numbing mouth rinse for the pain.

I will pause right here for a moment- if you are ever offered the numbing mouth rinse, pass on it. Seriously. Your sickly mind will not process that in order to get the mouth rinse to the back of your throat to gargle, it has to pass over your tongue and cheeks, thus rendering them numb as well. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. You instantly turn into a drooling idiot, and your throat still hurts. Go with over-the-counter throat spray and aim that shit directly where it hurts, bypassing your tongue and cheeks so you can keep some of your dignity intact. You'll thank me.

We will fast forward now to Day 6 of this "strep throat". My lymph nodes are still swollen, my throat still very tender and has healing zombie-like leftover patches on it, I can't do much of anything for longer than about 20 minutes before I'm out of breath and tired as hell, and my whole body still aches like the Mack Truck is just hitting the gas every few hours.

What do you call strep throat that wasn't really strep throat that goes on for a week and has flu-like symptoms with it?

Mono. You call it mono. Only, I'm choosing to not call it mono because I'm not a 15 years old who got it
from making out with my boyfriend. It comes from the Epstein-Barr Virus, or EBV for short, so that's what I have- EBV. It sounds more mysterious. I like that.

How in the hell did I, at 32 years old, get effing mono (EBV)? No idea. Apparently the incubation period is 1-2 months, and trying to remember back 2 months is pretty useless- I barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday. I do know that I have been sick every 2-3 months for the last year and a half of my life, since moving to the dry, hot state of Arizona. Apparently, Arizona is trying to kill me. I'm an east coast girl. The east coast didn't try and kill me. I want to go back. Seriously.
If that's my coffee mug, we
may have issues...

After I get asked the question of how I got mono (to which I once replied, "Well, I do remember that sick kid at Target like 2 months ago who sneezed on the cart handle, and I went behind his mother's back and licked the entire handle, just because. Could that have been it?" Yeah. I'm a smart ass.) I then get asked the question of whether or not I'm contagious. The answer is, unless you are planning on making out with me, or licking various orifices of mine, you'll be fine (and get your head out of the gutter- I was talking about my nose, or eye...). And, I wouldn't grab my coffee mug when I'm done with it and make out with that, either. And don't use my toothbrush. Besides the fact that it's my toothbrush and that's disgusting, it could, indeed, give you my EBV. But sitting next to me, carrying on a conversation? Nope, you're good.

Unless, of course, there comes a moment when my magnetic personality has you wanting to throw caution to the wind and declare your love for me by planting a nice, long, romantic kiss on my lips, caressing my soul ... which happens all the time, by the way... and you can't restrain yourself from doing so. Then, we shouldn't hang out... until I'm at least over this crap... or if you are Ryan Gosling. I'll gladly accept the consequences of Ryan Gosling doing this.

Alas, I digress.

Hubby is getting the short end of the stick with this one... I mean, besides me for actually having the EBV.

How long will I have this shit? No idea. Could be a month. Could be just another week or so. Apparently, the duration of the illness is almost directly related to how much rest I get.

Rest. Buahahahaha. I have a book coming out in less than 2 weeks. I'm a mom with kids in volleyball and art lessons, with a house that desperately needs the floors mopped. What in the hell is rest?

Ohhhh... that thing that I should have made a point to do, every once in a while, so my immune system didn't weaken and allow things like, oh, say, EBV to infect me?

Nicely played, Universe, nicely played.

While I do make light of this situation, rest assured that I have spent the last 6 days on my couch, or in bed, watching "Haven" (I'm already half way done with season 3, having started at the beginning, to prove just how much I've been watching), reading books, and "playing" on the internet.

And by "playing" I mean working with Kindle and Nook to get the electronic versions of my book ready for the launch and finding people to review it. I can't do nothing while I have this crap. I can't remember the last time I did nothing.

Which is probably why the forces that be decided to smite me with this affliction. Touche.

For me, this is resting. This is what the Universe gets from me. I hope they decide to take it and let me heal. Because this crap sucks. The sore throat sucks. The body weakness sucks. The overall body pain really sucks. The stares I get when people hear I have mono, like a lovesick teenager, seriously sucks.

The endless watching of "Haven", with Eric Balfour... that doesn't suck. At all. Not even a little bit. One perk of this sickness, that's for sure.

But, I'm over this. Ready to get back to my life, to my routine, to kicking ass and taking names when it comes to my to-do list everyday.

Ready to be someone who survived the zombie apocalypse that was once the back of my throat. And kicked those zombies' asses.

So ready.


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8 comments:

  1. Hope you are back on track soon!

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  2. I hope you'll get better soon! and thank you for the advice!

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    1. Thanks, and no problem. It's what I'm here for... ;)

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  3. Yikes!! I hope you feel better soon. And yes, my mind went into the gutter when you mentioned the licking. Sorry.

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    1. LMAO. I know my readers all too well... ;)

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