For those who are new, the rundown is going to go quickly, so hold on tight.
Google Analytics gives me exact search terms people have used that have landed them on my blog. I pick the weirdest ones to share with you all, along with what I have to say to the person who found my blog via those search terms.
You can read past Sorry About Your Fetish, But I'm Glad You Found My Blog segments here, here, here and here.
As always, these are in random order. Enjoy!
How can you defend drunk driving?- I'm actually at a loss with this one. Was someone caught drunk driving and they are trying to find excuses for their defense before their court hearing? Go with, "The leprechaun would have driven me home, but his unicorn was parked at another bar." That always works.
Things your tattoo artist won't tell you- Well, there's the fact that... hey, wait. I'm a tattoo artist. Nice try, you almost got me with that one...
Bitch, let's grab coffee- Okay, hooker, let's go.
I know women envy my big boobs- Damn, you aren't proud of them, are you? Not sure how this search landed them on my blog, unless it's because of the post I wrote about living in perpetual boob envy of
women whose boobs are big enough to go around googling about how other women envy their big boobs... (Sigh)
Awesome moms have tattoos- Why yes, yes we do. Thanks for noticing.
If this is a medical emergency- Hang up and dial 911. Duh. Everyone knows that.
"Magic Mike" "nice ass"- Yes. Definitely.
A happiness coming with an orange box- Okay, everyone with me now, in your best Brad Pitt from the movie Seven impersonation, "What's in the boooooxxxxxxxx?"
What all can you stick up an ass?- YES! I LOVE this game! How about, a grapefruit? A gerbil? What is... a milk carton? If we fill the milk carton with other things, does that count as more than one object? How big are we talking, here? A VW Bug... no, that's not right. How about a matchbox VW Bug? How about 3 words: Dis. Gus. Ting. Or, you can stick these words up there: Sick Effer.
Where should a guy not get a tattoo? In my opinion, there are 2 places a guy shouldn't get a tattoo. One is the lower back. Nothing says "I'm a chick" like having a tramp stamp. I'll give you a hint on the 2nd place. It starts with a "p" and rhymes with "wenis".
Authentic zebra cake- Like, a cake made from zebra? Gross.
Been doing this wrong my entire life- I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's just hope you weren't talking about sex, because, let's face it- nothing's worse than a bad lay. Seriously.
Tattoos suck- So does your mom.
How to get back at a bitchy mom- I seriously need to start monitoring my kids' searches...
woman peeing sat toilet gif- Weird search term? Yes. Very specific search term? Yes. But, neither of those are even the weirdest part of this scenario. The person who googled this stayed on my site for over 18 minutes, and went through 5 pages during their visit. I'm not sure if they seriously thought they'd find a picture of a women peeing on a toilet on this site, or if I distracted them from their fetish-filled search with my wit and humor. I'll go with option B, just so I can sleep well tonight.
What wine goes with truffles?- What wine doesn't go with truffles? What wine doesn't go with anything, for that matter? Cheese, truffles, steak, seafood, another bottle of wine... whatever you want to pair it with, just do it. It's wine. It goes with everything... except sedatives, of course.
And, I'm saddened to say that 4 months have passed since my last Sorry About Your Fetish post, and I didn't have one single search hit off of Ryan Gosling's bodily functions. My content must be slipping. I did, however, see that an abundance of search terms used to find my site included the word 'tattoo', but absolutely none of them compared to my favorite:
Can you suck tattoos out?- Yes, you sure can. But, you have to suck really, REALLY hard. And, it ONLY works if you have a friend video record you trying to suck the tattoo out, AND they have to upload the video to youtube and send me the link. Then, after I have reviewed the video (be sure you are still trying to suck the tattoo out the entire time this is going on), AND forwarded it to all of my social media networks so that my readers can pee their pants laughing at you, just like I did, then, and ONLY THEN will the sucking out of the tattoo be successful. Now, you are done reading the steps, and don't need to read the next statement I make in parentheses... get to sucking out that tattoo. Go now. (Hey, Inklingers, fingers crossed I just rid the world of one idiot, because if they actually try that stupid shit, they'll probably burst a blood vessel in their brain. Good grief.)
For all of you who are searching the internet for crazy things and ended up here, I say to you: Sorry about your fetish, but I'm glad you found my blog!