Friday, March 22, 2013

Sorry About Your Fetish, But I'm Glad You Found My Blog... Part 4

So, Inklingers, I have been a bad, bad girl. I got y'all hooked on my segment Sorry About Your Fetish, But I'm Glad You Found My Blog and then haven't done it in forever. In my defense, I was keeping up with it every few months and then the search terms went all lame on me. Then it was Christmas, New Years, blah blah blah... and here we are today.

Sorry about your fetish, but I'm glad you found my blog!
We've acquired quite a few new followers since Part 3, Part 2 and the original Sorry About Your Fetish, But I'm Glad You Found My Blog, so if you have no idea what this segment is or why it's a big effing deal, then go back and read the first 3. I'll be nice and give you a quick rundown here, too.

Sorry About Your Fetish, But I'm Glad You Found My Blog deals with actual search terms that people have used that landed them on The Inklings of Life. I give the search phrase, exact wording and all as I found it on my analytics site, then I give my opinion or a reply to whoever it was that searched that term.

Let's get to it. These are in random order of course.

Exes are like- Oh man, I LOVE this game. Okay, okay. Exes are like gum that gets stuck on the bottom of your shoe... annoying and pisses you off. Exes are like farts... they stink but thank goodness they are behind you. Or, if you read the post that is brought up by searching those terms, Exes are like diarrhea... thinking about them is all warm and squishy at first, then you realize you need a shower and to flush that shit out of your life.

Can't unbirth a child- No, no, you can! Just shove that little sucker right back up in your vag. They'll be fine until they are 18. Idiot.

Tribal tattoos suck- Amen.

Ampul- What the fuck is an ampul? It was searched 9 times that led to my blog. I had to google it myself. Apparently it's a Turkish glass vial. I started going through my head about any posts I had written about crack when I realized that I had no idea prior to this post what in the hell an ampul even was, so I definitely didn't use the word in any blog post. That one's a mystery... along with the 9 people who were searching for that shit in the first place.

I love my brother- Angelina Jolie reads my blog? SWEET!!

Maria Kang- Yes, I wrote a post entitled My Excuses for Not Looking Like Maria Kang After Having Children. Yes, when you google "Maria Kang", my post comes up #3 on google search, even above her
personal facebook page. Yes, it's the most controversial post I've ever written, with the most comments and has driven the most traffic to my blog than any other post. And yes, it's a humor post, but to this day I still get dickheads who try and tell me I'm a horrible person for having written it. And yes, they can all kiss my ass... my post comes up before her facebook page. Suck on that!

"in there" "pregnant" "belly" "dress" "panties" "weight" curl up unbirth -videosexarchive -regressed -absorb- Huh? You lost me at "in there"...

Ryan Gosling pissing- Yep, still making the top of the list of search phrases used to find Inklings. Probably because I keep typing the words 'Ryan Gosling pissing'. It's funny now because that's how this segment started over a year ago.

Things you shouldn't do after getting a tattoo- Umm... go swimming; get a sunburn; have your dog lick it; have your cat lick it; have a drunk friend lick it; put triple antibiotic cream on it; submerge it in liquid hot magma; attach leeches to it; lick it yourself... I could go on like this for days...

I'm sorry I couldn't learn to be normal fast enough for you chastity belt- ........ Apology accepted??? Fuck if I know...

Real moms sex education- I'm going to go ahead and take a shot in the dark that they weren't looking for a nice, funny, informational vlog post from a mom blogger when they happened upon Inklings. Average staying time was 4 seconds? Yeah, I'm thinking they didn't find what they were looking for...

Can you bring kids into a tattoo shop with you?- For the love of all that is good in this world, please don't.

I lost myself, how do I find myself again?- Google, apparently. 4 times that was searched and found Inklings, but 0 of the 4 people stayed on the blog. Guess they didn't find themselves here.

Mommy is tatted vodka- Daddy is sleeping whiskey. Cat is meowing Jagermeister. Wait. We're not playing some weird stick-words-together-that-don't-go-together game? Damn. I would have won that one.

Stick up your ass- I do not, but thanks for being concerned.

Epidural childbirth no bullshit blog- Yep, you've come to the right place. Unfortunately, these 3 people clicked off my site immediately. Too bad for them because in The Girl's (Un)Birth Story and The Ginger's (Un)Birth Story, I speak no bullshit at all when I tell my story about epidurals.

Laundry sucks- Amen.

Q and A with Tatted Mom: Can You Suck Out a Vaccine?
Can you suck out a vaccine?- I think it's definitely worth you trying it. But please make sure someone videotapes it and puts that shit on youtube so I can laugh my ass off when you pass out from lack of oxygen. Moron.

Found hair by the laundry hamper that isn't mine- Either you have a shedding ghost or someone isn't being faithful. Just sayin'.

Elf orgy- Sick, man, just sick.

Doogie Howser makes me feel inadequate- Well, good thing he was a fictional character so you only have to live up to the ideal that some writer dreamed up in their imagination. It's all cool, though. Marcia Brady made me feel inadequate, too, with her beautiful blonde hair and sunbursty attitude. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Tribal tattoos that don't suck- There aren't any, sorry... unless you are time travelling from the 1990s. They were all cool back then.

Mothers who screw for a living- Normally I wouldn't even look twice at a search term like this (we mom blogs get some CRAZY stuff in our search term logs), but the person stayed for about 4 minutes and flipped through 3 pages on my site before leaving... which leads me to wonder if they were trying to figure out if I'm a mother who screws for a living? Or, did they get pretty kitty syndrome on my blog and start clicking on things that had nothing to do with their original search? Things that make you go hmmm...

And here it is, my favorite search term from the last few months, not so much because of what it is, but because the person who searched for it found something they liked because they stayed for 5 minutes and flipped through a few different posts...

Sexy and hot asses every day!- Wooo hoooo! Thank you! Do we know each other? Are you familiar with how hot and sexy my ass is every day? Hubby? ;) To this person I say, Sorry About Your Fetish, But I'm Glad You Found My Blog!!

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1 comment:

  1. WOW! That is insanity but absolutely hillarious, wonder what I would find if I did the same, likely not much since my blog is fairly new. I am your newest followr and will most certainly be coming back often to read more!