I know y'all want me to, but I'm not naming names. Sorry, can't do it. I'm here to anonymously vent, not to start another Mom Blog War. These are my opinions, and my opinions alone, so if you happen upon this post and think you are one of the bloggers below- don't hate; it's just my opinion, and I'm one single mom blogger.
If you are a mom who is thinking of starting a blog, and are thinking of having it be a humor blog, there are a few things to keep in mind when making this decision. And yes, I do call myself an expert in this field. I have been doing this for 3 years now, and while I don't have the largest following in the history of blogging, the people who find my blog stick with my blog, so I have 3 years of continuous growth and loyalty: i.e. I'm not the newest craze that people won't remember next month and I will be around at this time next year! So, heed my words of advice on humor blogging; I know my shit.
10 Tips for Writing a Humor Mom Blog
- If you have 1 child that is less than 1 year old, you can, by absolutely no means whatsoever, say that you are an "expert" on funny parenting. You haven't even gotten to the funny parenting stages yet. You're still in the cute baby faces and poopy diapers stage. Wait until you are potty training your child and they pee in the trash can directly next to the toilet. Wait until your child runs into the room when you tell him to go get into the bath and yells, How about I just go brush my nuts? Wait until your entire morning is centered around a chaotic mess of french braiding and listening to Lego Ninjago stories and bickering about cheese vs. no cheese on sandwiches and Mom, he's looking at me wrong and all you want to do is walk outside in your pajamas, in front of your kids' friends and embarrass the hell out of them. After you have hit these stages, then come talk to me about being an expert on funny parenting.
- Writing about poop and pee every single day, and how your children talk about poop and pee every single day, does not make you a humor mom blogger.
- If your blog has nothing to do about your family or your children, you are NOT a Mom Blog. You are a humor blogger who happens to be a mother, but please, get your f*cking humor site off of the mom blog lists. It makes me want to punch you in the throat. (Smile)
- If you can't spell correctly, use your spell check, use punctuation correctly or don't even know what a paragraph is, then please don't write and then pass it out to the masses. Don't get me wrong, I'm a comma whore. But I know I'm a comma whore and I choose to continue to use commas wherever I want you to pause in your reading. I, however, know the difference between Moms and Mom's, know how to click on the 'ABC Check' button when a word has a red squiggly line under it because it's spelled wrong, and let's face it- 'funner' is not technically a word; it's 'more fun'.
- Avoid using the words or phrases 'honest', 'unique', 'tells-it-like-it-is', 'crazy', 'ranting' or 'drama' to describe yourself or your blog. I fell into this when I first started blogging. I wanted people to know that I would tell the 'truth' about parenting, and how 'crazy' my life was. All moms tell the truth about their lives, and all moms' lives are crazy; you are not special. Now I use words like 'unconventional' and 'chaos' and 'colorful' instead. But don't use those. Those are mine, dammit. And don't use 'hot mess' either. That's Hot Mess Mom's shit and no one compares to her, so don't even try.
- If all you want to talk about is how horrible motherhood is, and how you always drink, or your blog actually has the name of an alcoholic beverage or prescription drug in the title, and you are always loaded up on prescription drugs or are always drunk, then maybe you don't need to be a mom blog writing about that stuff... or parenting. Pick one or the other, please- either be a parent or be an addict. You can't really have both.
- If your blog has to do with "dumpster babies", you might want to check your morals.
- If you want to review products and do giveaways on a regular basis, you are not a humor blogger. Get your blog off of the humor sites and put it in the 'reviews and giveaways' section. Calling yourself a humor blogger means you focus on funny stuff and possibly have a review or giveaway sporadically on your site. You are getting higher and higher on vote sites because you have people vote for you in order to get your free shit- not because you are funny. And meanwhile, blogs like mine, who focus on funny shit, are falling below you because I don't have free shit to give away.
- If you don't actually write posts, but instead find funny pictures that have to do with motherhood and continuously post them as blog posts throughout the day, then you technically aren't a "mom blogger". You are a "collector of funny shit" who is a mother. I found that same funny shit last week on the internet and posted it on my facebook page- not my blog. I write posts on my blog, therefore I am a "mom blogger". Now, if you created those funny pictures, then that's different- you are acceptable. But if you just googled that shit and put it on your blog, and that's all you do, then you get a slap on the wrist... with a ruler... with rusty nails in it... held in the mouth of a rabid dog...
- If all you do every day is post pictures of your kids, you aren't a Humor blog, you are a Family Life blog. I'm not sure why you thought people would find your photos of little Timmy's average day of eating cereal, followed by watching TV, followed by his nap, followed by dinner time, followed by bedtime, humorous, but it's not. As I flip through your average pictures of your average day, I find myself hoping little Timmy is at least pulling on a cat's tail in one picture or has walked into a closed glass door. That shit is funny. Not how little Timmy fell asleep on the couch with his blanket half off of him. That shit is stupid.
If you base your standards of success when it comes to mom blogging on how many followers you have, then don't even bother to start blogging. Chances are you won't become an overnight sensation, and if you go viral on a post, you'll be forgotten about next week, unless you are a consistent writer. Base the success of your blog on how many loyal followers you have- people who constantly interact with you and your blog by commenting and sharing your posts, who spread the word about your blog just because they like it, and who continue to come back day after day. Say what you will about Inklings and its under 1,000 followers, but my readers kick ass. They are more loyal than any other blog I've seen out there- and I keep up with my competition on a regular basis. I'm silent, and you won't know I'm there, but I am. I'm a f*cking ninja...
... who needs to go make sure The Girl's hamster is okay. Apparently, as I was writing out this blog, we all heard a 'thump, thump, thump' that ended up being Kitteh rolling the hamster in its ball down the stairs... I couldn't make that shit up if I tried.
Click that banner below, please, so we can get back to the top of the Humor category over at Top Mommy Blogs like we belong. Some of the ones ahead of us fall into the categories above, and it angers me. ;)