|Courtesy of Amy Tiemann|
This person will pretty much be my functioning brain for the holiday season. I'm scatterbrained as it is, but during the holidays it gets way worse. Similar to a personal assistant, this person will organize my day, help me remember school functions, help me budget, reply to emails I forget about, keep up with the daily running of the house, and so on.
Additional job duties include:
- Telling people 'no' for me. I'm not good at this with people who politely extend invitations during the season, so if an event or gathering comes up that I'd rather pull my toenails out with pliers than attend, Tatted Mom's Brain will tell the person 'no' for me. Not coach me on how to say 'no', actually tell the person 'no'. If they recognize that the voice on the phone sounds weird, we will tell them I'm sick. If we are face to face with the person asking, Tatted Mom's Brain needs to be agile enough to ninja-style pop up in front of me, tell the person 'no' and disappear.
- Helping me come up with ridiculous ways to screw with my loved ones. It's difficult always being a sarcastic bitch to friends and family, so the person that gets the job of Tatted Mom's Brain will have to be able to help me stay on top of things. If the kids ask to have a candy bar 10 minutes before dinner, a simple no doesn't do in my house. Telling the kids, 'Sure, but those are Mom's secret laxative candy bars, so as soon as you eat them you'll be in the bathroom crapping your brains out all night instead of eating baked spaghetti with cookies for dessert. Go ahead' is completely acceptable. Telling the kids we got them a pet llama for Christmas but forgot to poke holes in the box under the tree is an every year event, so I need help coming up with new material this year.
- Finding half naked pictures of Channing Tatum or Ryan Gosling when morale is low. Being