Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Stop Me From Covering a Bed in Trash, i.e. Advice Needed

This morning, I'm in full on rant mode. So, I apologize now if bitching, ranting posts are not what you want to read at Inklings, because yes, they happen every now and then. I promise it'll be amusing, though, and at the end you get to open a can of whoop ass on me, if you'd like.

I've been on both ends of the spectrum- stay at home mom and working mom. So, with that said, I feel that, because I have experienced both sides of the story, my rant holds a little bit more water than someone who has only ever been one or the other.

Right now, I'm a working mom- have been for over a year now. I work 5-6 days a week and have 4 days a week with my kids. Don't worry if you think you haven't had enough coffee yet because your math on that one seems wrong, it's not. I generally have 2 full days off a week, and work 2 half days so I can be at home with the kids when they get out of school. Nonetheless, I still work at least 5 days a week, which means, the 2 days a week I have off are spent cleaning, grocery shopping, running errands, paying bills, blah blah blah.

So, basically, I never have a day off.

And generally speaking, moms don't have a day off, whether they are stay at home or working moms.

But here's where my ranting comes in this morning. When I was a stay at home mom, I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, baked, tended to the kids- ran a household. Hubby would come home from work and have a meal ready for him, the kids' homework done, clean uniforms in the closet, the house smelling nice and clean. It wasn't a dominance thing, or that he's a controlling husband or anything, running that household was my job and damn it, I'm going to do my job as best as I can.

So, it pisses me off when I hear about stay at home moms that don't do a damn thing.

I had a few customers last week, one of which was telling me about his son, and how his son's wife didn't work, but didn't clean, cook, do laundry, nothing, while her husband was at work during the day. She 'took care of the kid' and that was her 'job'. Then, she demanded money when the husband came home. The gentleman was telling me his son was getting ready to kick her out.

If that's the truth, that she does nothing during the day, then kick that lazy bitch's ass out on the street.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Tatted Mom's Vocabulary Lesson #1

My circle of family and friends and I have our own language. Some of it consists of words or phrases we use so the kids around us have no idea what we are talking about, and some of it developed randomly but has a different definition to us than it does the rest of the world.

These are 7 actual terms used just about everyday in my life. Kinda scary when I started compiling this list, but there's no arguing this came from my household.

Baking Cookies- v. A term used in place of 'having sex' when the kids are in earshot of the conversation.
Example: "You are seriously being a bitch right now. When is the last time you baked cookies to relieve some stress?"
Caution: When using this term around kids, which is it's intention, they will indeed ask if there are cookies.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

I'm a Blog Snob

I am a blogger. That's a given, right? Well, I'm also a blog reader. I enjoy following other blogs, reading people's opinions on different subjects, and seeing how different the blogosphere is from one blog to the next. Being that I'm considered a 'Mommy Blog', most of the blogs I read everyday are, in fact, other mommy blogs. Why? Because I can relate to them, enjoy getting tips and advice from different sources, and they make me feel like I'm not alone out there in the parenting world.

In my search for blogs to add to my daily reading list, though, I've come to realize I'm a blog snob.

Yeah, I said it.

There are some things I've found on blogs that I've clicked on, that immediately make me click off of it. Then there are things I see that, after spending 10 minutes or so on a blog, make me think, 'Damn it, I just wasted 10 minutes of my life.'

I do understand that by posting this today, I may tweak the nerves of some mommy bloggers out there that find my blog. Please know that I don't mean to offend anyone today, this post is my opinion about what I look for in a blog to read. And, considering some of the top mommy blogs out there, that I happen to loathe, have a hell of a lot larger following than I do, then my opinion is just a small one in the grand blogosphere.

So, when looking to follow other mommy blogs, these are 10 things I've found, that has made me realize I'm a blog snob...

  1. It has to be funny. Not like, 'Oh, that picture of little Timmy with his clothes on backwards is cute' type of funny. I mean, 'Holy crap, that picture of little Timmy shooting milk out of his nose is hilarious,' type of funny. Being a blogger that prides herself on being honest about motherhood, I respect other mommy bloggers that do the same. So, lay it out there truthfully, say whatever you want, and if you make me laugh, I'm following you.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Hippie Tatted Mom of Yesteryear

Today is Friday, and I'm uber excited about that for the first time in a long time, because this weekend, my kids are going to their grandmother's, I have today and tomorrow off of work, and... wait for it...

I'm going to a Native American sweat lodge.

Cool as shit, huh?

Driving a few hours to sit in a hot ass, dark building, sweating, convening with the spirits.... That sounds like a perfect mini-vacation for me!

For those of you who are new here at Inklings (there have been a lot lately- I've been excited!), I'm envisioning you going, 'This bitch is crazy! A Native American sweat lodge? Fun? She's lost it.' So, let's journey back...

Hubby and I moved to England right after my daughter was born. I was already doing yoga regularly in my home, and continued with that after the move. I met this *amazing* group of people from all walks of life, all belief systems, and spent 3 years learning and sharing anything and everything I could with them.

British life is so different than American life, too. Take this conversation I had one time with a British friend of mine, when she introduced me to the village's local market day:

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

We Don't Do That Here

My son brought another one home from school on Friday. He opened up his homework folder, and handed me a piece of paper. I took a look at it, rolled my eyes, and handed the paper back to him.

It wasn't a bad report card, or a letter from his teacher.

It was a birthday party invitation.

We don't do birthday parties.

Yep, you read that right. We don't do birthday parties. I'm that mom.

Now, let me clear up a few things real quick before I explain:

  • Yes, we celebrate birthdays in my house.
  • Yes, we throw mini-parties with family on the kids' birthdays, with cake, presents, a big meal.
  • Yes, we have been to birthday parties before.
  • Yes, we have thrown big birthday parties before.
  • No, I'm not a mega-bitch. (Well, not about this anyway.)
  • No, we're not a part of some anti-birthday cult.
  • No, I will not withhold my kids from going to a close friend's party.
Now that I've begun to clear that up some, back to the birthday party invitation.

Monday, February 20, 2012

What's A Mom's Work Worth?

This week, I checked my email and found that Ben, over at DegreeSearch.org had emailed me an Infographic. I took a look at it, and thought, 'Hell Yeah, this is amazing.' It's a look at what a mom is worth, if you were to actually pay her for everything she does.

We'll get to the infographic in a second, because you all know I have to put my two cents worth in first...

I used to be a stay-at-home mom, then a working mom who took her kids to work with her, then a working mom with kids in daycare, and now I'm a working mom with the help of family when it comes to the kids, which is the next best thing for them if I can't be home with them. So, I've done it all, and can actually argue both sides of the 'working mom vs. stay-at-home mom' debate that seems to continue in the media to this day.

What's my personal favorite? Being a stay-at-home mom, honestly. Not because I'm lazy (though I do enjoy being able to wear comfy pjs everyday while I'm at 'work'), but because when I was a stay-at-home mom, everything was taken care of. I'd get the kids off to school in the morning, clean the whole house, do laundry, start cooking dinner, possibly bake, and then when the kids came home, it was helping them do their homework, helping them with their chores, cooking an amazing meal, and being able to relax, in a clean house, with my family all evening.

To me, it was paradise.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sorry About Your Fetish, But I'm Glad You Found My Blog

About a month ago, I decided to set up Google Analytics on Inklings. For those that are in the dark a little, it's just a research device that collects data for me, like how many new people visit my blog a day, how they found it, how long they stayed on it. Now don't worry, it doesn't give me deep details, like IP addresses or anything, just overall demographics. It's quite useful in seeing where my traffic comes from and what people are actually reading while they are on my blog.

My favorite part of Google Analytics is seeing which search terms people typed, that brought them to my blog. I have basic ones like 'Coffee', 'Mom Clipart', and 'Marshmallow Igloo', that has taken people to specific posts on my blog.

Then there are some that even make me raise an eyebrow. Below I'm going to randomly list some of the more outrageous ones for you, word for word, and then my smartass logical replies to whoever was searching for them. And, if you are now a dedicated reader who entered in one of these search terms to originally find my blog, then, first off, Welcome, Glad to have you! Secondly, could you send me a personal email, so I know, for my own curiosity, why you were searching these things?? I'm dying here.

Calico Ghost Town Sexy- Am I missing something here? Is this some TV show I don't know about? Or, am I the only one that sees that these words do not go together at all? Wait, maybe Google is smarter than we think. Enter in random words together, get to a blog about being random. Good one, Google, good one, and thank you!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Many Faces of Makeup Application

I seriously may have my Woman Card revoked for this today.

Men- there's a reason why we ladies do not usually let you see us get ready for the day, or for going out at night- the process is not pretty. We just want you to see the finalized, gorgeous product of all of our poking, and pulling and stretching- not what we go through to get there.

Ladies- please don't hate me for showing everyone what we put ourselves through in the name of beauty. My blog is about finding the humor in everyday life, and you can't tell me you don't giggle a little bit at some of the faces you make when you are applying your makeup. It's funny. Admit it, it's okay. And hey, at least I'm the one taking the heat on this one- the world gets to see me sans-makeup. Very scary...

So, here it is...

The Many Faces of Makeup Application


Every makeup routine usually begins with a good moisturizer...

The Scream Face
I call this face 'The Scream'. Why? Does Edvard Munch's painting come to mind by chance...

This guy was applying facial moisturizer, too.

Why is this face necessary? Because we have to make sure we get our cheeks, under our eyes, and our neck and chin, and if it's wrinkle cream (like mine), then we work it in to the deep crevices of our face so it can get to working on eliminating them better.

Next, we have the foundation...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Sacrificing a House Guest (In the Name of Valentine's Day)

Today is a great day! My friend Smash is on his way here to stay for a week and guest spot at the tattoo shop I work at, and of course, it's Valentine's Day.

This morning my kids finally asked the question I have been waiting for since they picked out, colored and addressed all of their valentines this weekend...

'Mom, I know Valentine's Day is a day of love, but why?'

Oh sweet mother of all, I've hit the jackpot, and I don't even care that it's before my cup of coffee is done brewing.

Me: Well, kids, hundreds of years ago it was illegal for men in the military to be married. So, there was a priest, St.Valentine, who married couples in secret, helping to keep love alive.


A disappointed look covered both my kids faces. (You have to keep in mind these are my kids. There's no way to be as random, outspoken and unconventional as me and be raising normal children.)

The Kids (Yes, in unison): Oh. Okay. (And they both look down at the floor, saddened.)

Me: When they found out what the priest was doing, they killed him, and that's why we celebrate Valentine's Day, to honor love and the sacrifice he made for love.

(The kids perk up a little bit, but still seem disheartened.)


The Girl: Oh, okay, yeah, that's cool, Mom (in her 'whatever' voice.)

Me: Well, it is believed that the church chose February 14th as the day to celebrate Valentine's Day because it fell on the ancient pagan holiday of Lupercalia, and they wanted to get rid of it.

(The kids perk up a bit more, and start giggling.)

Monday, February 13, 2012

Dear 16 Year Old Me,

Hi. It's 31 30-ish year old you. Or me. However that goes. I wanted to write to you and give you some advice about your life. These 10 pieces of advice are in random order, as you are (still) a completely random person. In fact, it's gotten worse. But, people love you for it.

Keep in mind that I'm not going to give you too many details about your future. It's still up to you to create it.

  1. Sleep in as much as possible. Seriously. When you get to be my age, you'll wake up at 7 in the morning even when you don't have to. It doesn't matter if you went to bed at 2am (which you will hardly ever do at this age), you'll wake up at 7.
  2. The guy you are dating right now? Yeah, you are going to marry him in a few years. (I'll allow a moment for that to sink in.) And then, down the road, you are going to screw that marriage up. Then he'll screw it up. For a few years, the two of you will trade off on having your heads up your asses and sabotaging the 'always and forever' thing. It will work out, don't worry. I'd like to tell you to not make the decisions you did that started that downward spiral, but having now gone through it, you and your husband both know that you had to go through it all to be where you are now, as a couple. So, just keep your chin up and know that it all gets better.
  3. The second kid you have is a boy. Ignore the ultrasound tech that tells you it's a girl. It's a boy. And a big one. Get your epidural AS SOON AS your pitocin-induced contractions start, because if you don't, some bitch in the room next to you that went into labor naturally and heads to the hospital 4 hours after you will request her epidural 5 minutes before you, and you'll spend the next 2 hours in extreme pain waiting for the anesthesiologist to get to you. And, as a heads up, he'll screw up your first epidural and have to do it again. Save yourself some pain and tell him to shift his entrance point slightly to the left. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

The Merch Store is Alive!!

It's be a huge work in progress, but The Inklings of Life Merch Store is now up and running. You can click on the merch store picture below, and it'll send you right to it!

www.cafepress.com/theinklingsoflife
You'll find all kinds of goodies from coffee mugs to pillows, to womens and men's T-shirts!


More products on next page..

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Introducing 'Man Philosophy'

I finally convinced Hubby to write for my blog. He's full of shit creative ideas that I find funny as hell, so why not give him an outlet, and help out with the male followers I'm quickly gaining? Now you all can see for yourself what type of crazy brave amazing man puts up with my craziness.

So, without further ado, here's the first installment of Man Philosophy... Enjoy!

Hello Inklingers. I'm Hubby. Over the last few months I've been a pretty big Inklings of Life follower. Not only does it make me laugh, but I also get a good idea of what's happening on the homefront while I'm away, Plus, guys always need help understanding their wives, and Inklings helps me understand my crazy wife a little better.

For the last few weeks, the wife has been asking me for a man's insight; a sub-blog. Since I'm pretty much great at everything, I said I would, because it makes her happy.

Now, I'm a man, and most men take pride in that and when we say we're going to do something, we always do it... maybe... unless it's raining, or the game is on, or we're tired, or a stranger made us mad, or Walmart is involved, or we doubt we'll get sex afterwards... you know, the usual stuff. So, since I'm pretty sure I'm going to get some good lovin' for this, I'm now a part time blogger.

The first blog is going to be a random compilation of some basic Man Philosophy... just a few basic rules to keep in mind when dealing with us heathens. I'll be jumping around the list for each post, so don't think I'm omitting ones.

Monday, February 6, 2012

I Found My Super Power!

When I was a kid and someone asked me the 'If you could have one super power, what would it be?' question, I always had the same answer. Hell, 20 years later I still had the same answer...

To be invisible.

I wanted to be able to sneak up on people, to eavesdrop on conversations, to sneak into a bank and rob it and never be seen.

Looking back on it now, I find my fantasy superpower to be quite ironic, as I've done everything in my life to not be invisible. Covered myself in bright, colorful tattoos, always spoken my mind, raised my kids to be just as free thinkers as I am... nothing about any of that says 'I want to be invisible.'


Food for thought, and probably says something quite large about me on some psychological level. Anyhow...

I found my super power tonight. It saddens me to say it's not invisibility.


I can't read minds, either, damnit, which was always my second choice.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

It's Official!

The Inklings of Life now has an official spot in the world wide web...

Check your address bar above...

It should say www.theinklingsoflife.com.

If not, I'm firing google. Wait, can you fire google? Must look into that...

I've clicked it a million times already this morning, just to see it and giggle.

Way to screw up my own google analytics, huh?

Oh well. This new domain is coming with some merchandise here soon, so keep looking.

That's right, I said merchandise.


I'm so excited.

Now, back to y'alls regularly scheduled programming for the day.

Which means...

GO GIANTS!!!

(I'm a Packers fan, but considering none of the other players besides Aaron Rodgers showed up for the playoff game against the Giants, and how I loathe Tom Brady, I'm supporting NY tonight. May the gods have mercy on my soul...)



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Saturday, February 4, 2012

Did I Hear That Right?? Part 2

With the success of  the first Did I Hear That Right post, I have decided to make this a regular deal on The Inklings.

And with the crazy s*it I hear on a daily basis, it might become a weekly post.
(And don't forget- 'The Ginger' is my 7 year old son, 'The Girl' is my 9 year old daughter.)

Enjoy!

Me: Hey, Ginger, can you come here and sit on my lower back, please? It hurts and I need some extra weight to help stretch it out.
The Ginger: Sure. (He proceeds to come sit on my back, and then farts.)
Me: Holy crap get off of me. That's gross, Ginger, seriously. You don't fart on people.
The Ginger: Well, you didn't ask me if I had to fart when you asked me to come sit on your back. If you would have asked me that, I would have told you I had to fart.

Me: I was told Ryan Gosling is fully clothed in a suit the whole movie.
Sis: Then why the hell are we watching this again?

Thursday, February 2, 2012

"If This Is a Medical Emergency, Please Hang Up And Dial 911..."

"... or proceed to your nearest emergency room."

5 times today I've heard that message. 5 freaking times.

My head's about to explode. Does that count as a 'medical emergency'?

Or, how about if I don't get somewhere soon, I'm gonna kill someone. That would be a medical emergency for them, right?

Can I call 911 and just vent?

The Ginger has a nodule (the dentist's word, not mine) in his cheek. It just sprang up 2 days ago. A hard knot, right near his jaw, that doesn't hurt him unless I'm squeezing it and pushing at it. So, I called the dentist yesterday and they had an opening right then. Grabbed The Ginger from school, hauled ass to the dentist, thinking it's an abscessed tooth, and after xrays, it is determined that it's not an abscess.

The dentist thinks it's a blocked salivary gland, but he wasn't sure. So, he gave us a dental (please note the italics- you'll be quite familiar with them by the time this post is done) referral to an oral surgeon, one that is covered under our dental insurance.

I called the oral surgeon this morning (Medical Emergency automated intro message #1), and this ensued:

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Marshmallow Igloos & Mom Pride

This morning I had the greatest moment of Mom Pride ever- a 1st grade classroom full of igloos made of marshmallows.

Some explanation, huh?

The Ginger came home with a project assignment; make a shelter out of household items. My sister and I start talking to him about what he wants to do, and he looks at me and says:

"I want to make an igloo. And, I can use little marshmallows as the bricks."


Wow. I was impressed. Not only did my son think of something awesome to construct, but he thought as much into it, to figure out what materials to use, to make it look authentic. I started getting excited...

That's when it hit me.

Let's take this conversation from 2 different perspectives; a 'normal' home, and a Tatted Mom home.