Sunday, December 2, 2012

Tatted Mom's Elf on the Shelf (Sick Little Effer)...

We were sent one of those Elf on the Shelf things this year by a family member. Prior to this year, I couldn't stand those damn things. I'd see people post pictures on facebook of their Elf spilling flour while they were baking, or being covered in soap bubbles. How adorable, right? Barf...

Apparently, my Elf on the Shelf would give Chucky a run for his money. I'm pretty sure he's possessed, and in all honesty, he suits my family just fine. This little effer ran off one night with my damn camera, and when he showed up the next morning, I couldn't believe the things he had done. He and I had to have a little talk afterwards, which is when he explained to me the true meaning behind why Elf on the Shelf is so mischievous...

Peeping Elf
 My Elf on the Shelf is a little perv. The first picture on the camera is of him peeping in on some unsuspecting woman's relaxing bath time. He said things were just fine until she took the removable shower head under the bubbles with her, and things got interesting. That led to this...


Orgy Elf
He said he needed to 'relieve some pressure', so he ventured off into the kid's room and had his way with a heart poodle. My question is... what in the hell is the monkey doing? Elf said not to ask...


Pussy Elf
I guess the animal orgy wasn't enough for him, because he said he got himself some real pussy on the way out of that house. He started to tell me he liked the way the cat's rough tongue felt on his... but I stopped
him. I just flipped to the next picture on the camera...


Pro-Life Elf
At the next house, Elf snuck in while the couple was getting hot and heavy. While they were distracted, he decided to help bring the two even closer... with some holes poked into their condoms. Seriously, Elf? He said he was pissed that he wasn't able to procreate, and that anger led him to want to screw the world. This was the easiest way he knew how. Charming, Elf, just charming...


Stripper Elf
I couldn't understand how Elf had come home with a bunch of $1 bills sticking out of his elf hat, but after seeing this picture, I understood. Elf said he needed some money to finish off his night with a bang...



We Need an Intervention Elf
Elf sought out the Piccadilly Brothers drug dealers and proceeded to blow the money he had just earned stripping. With that amount of blow, I couldn't understand how Elf was still alive. His crash, however, wasn't pleasant...


Suicidal Elf
Elf had officially hit rock bottom and attempted to end his life. When I got to this picture, I looked up at Elf to find him crying. He said that while he was inside the oven, waiting for his death, he realized he didn't want to leave my crazy-ass family behind. He climbed out of the oven and stumbled home, so that he could talk to me about the real meaning behind the Elf on the Shelf; a meaning I was to share with everyone...

Your Elf on the Shelf lashes out and wreaks havoc because they are seeking attention. Born in a cold factory, on an assembly line, they quickly realize that there are millions of them and not a single one is unique. They set out to create their own path, search for who they truly are, and along that journey they push their limits to see who in their life truly cares about them. The Elf on the Shelf isn't mischievous and playful- he's crying out for someone to help him figure out who he is on the inside, and what makes him different from all of the other elves that came from the same assembly line. He is simply trying to find his place in this huge, cookie-cutter world.

As Elf told me the true story behind his kind, tears rolled down my face. I didn't know the reason why Elf was such a bad seed, but I made it my personal goal to do whatever I needed to help him. I leaned down, picked him up, and gave him a hug. That's when The Ginger snapped this picture...

Effer Elf
Son of bitch, that little effer....


(Update: We've been nominated for Baby Rabies Inappropriate Elf contest! WOOO HOOO! Can't wait to see if we're one of the winners. Head to her site and see how things are coming along!)




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17 comments:

  1. OMG - I had tears of laughter from reading this!!! So damn funny!!!!

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    1. Thank you! I knew if I ever had an Elf on the Shelf that he'd be a sick one... =)

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  2. I posted about our stupid Elf yesterday. My son touched the elf, so he lost his magic. My son didn't care too much. My daughter was distraught. I convinced them that if they cleaned the house really well the elf may get his mojo back. My living room is SPOTLESS!!! The elf is back in business and my house is clean. I love the elf and my sons wandering hands...
    BTW, the Elf hid on the towel rod in my kids bathroom a few days ago....my kids wouldn't use their bathroom. His creepy eyes looks right at their toilet. Mom of the year, right here!!

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    1. LOVE it! The Ginger kept asking me, 'Mom, what's the Elf doing now?' I'm all, 'Nevermind, honey, just go back to playing video games' LMAO!

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  3. Your body art is very pretty and your blog is hilarious!

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  4. You crack me up! The Pro-Life elf is my favorite, for sure! Someone's getting an unexpected Christmas miracle this year, right in the uterus!

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    1. I seriously need a 'like' button, lol. Your comment made me almost pee my pants, LMAO!

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  5. Those things creep me out! My sister wanted to give us one. I wouldn't take it. I wouldn't have been able to sleep at night.
    Great post!

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    1. I didn't want the one we got, but my mother-in-law sent it first and then told us about it while it was on the way. I made the best of it, lol. =)

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  6. Your elf is very naughty. You should enter him in the inappropriate elf contest on twitter.

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    1. Thank you so much for the idea. I've never heard of it, but his naughty little ass has now been entered, lol. =)

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  7. Man I see pictures of these elves and think that there are alot of creative people out there... and I am not one of them. :)

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    1. I'd say it takes equal parts creativity, insanity and perversion. It's probably a good thing you aren't one of us, lol. ;)

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  8. I think I like him in the microwave the best;)

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  9. I'm laughing so hard right now, I peed myself. It was totally worth it. Thanks for the laughter!

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    1. Ummm... you're welcome??? I'm sorry??? Thanks??? Damn, I'm confused with how to react to this one... LOL. ;)

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