Friday, December 7, 2012

My Sexual Goddess is on Vacation

There's a topic I've been wanting to write about for some time now, but I wasn't sure how to teeter on the edge of TMI without possibly regretting it later.


A simple 3 letter word that causes some people to blush, some people to get all hot and bothered, and some people to argue. Today's post I want to take the angle of sex and moms... not sex with moms (for those pervs running a porn search who happen onto this website), but how sex affects mothers, and real moms' views on the subject matter (mine of course, and those who comment).

For those new to Inklings, I'll do a quick rundown (or a refresher for regular readers). I'm 31 years old, have 2 kids ages 10 and 8, and have been married for 13 years... sort of. Hubby and I separated for 3 years and have been back together for one year now.

Now to the new stuff. I want to throw out pretty early in this post that I'm not a prude. I often talk openly and freely about sex with my closest friends, and having worked as the only female in a tattoo shop, learned quickly to grow a thick skin, and hold my own, when it came to raunchy conversation. I'm an advocate for women to give themselves a hand whenever they need it, have an entire bag of toys in my closet, am a fan of porn that doesn't involve animals, degradation, or foot fetishes, have role played, prefer switching positions several times in a session, and do genuinely enjoy sex.

For some reason though, sex is always a topic of debate in my house, and in talking with friends of mine, in their houses, too.

I don't want to make generalized statements in this post, or even have it confused with a well researched article on sex during motherhood that contains statistics and advice. I want to share my perspective, how things are for me, and see if other women can relate to my story.

After having kids, something inside of me changed. My focus went from myself and Hubby to a child who needed me for everything. Sex dropped lower and lower on my priority list, and it took a while to get it back to being a focal point. After kid #2 the same downward slope occurred, though I can say that my sex drive skyrocketed for a short time after The Ginger was born. Now here I am, 8 years later, and sex is always a big ol' lingerie-wearing elephant in the room when it comes to Hubby and I.

I thought women were supposed to hit their sexual peak somewhere in their 30s or 40s. That's what I was told all through my 20s when having 2 kids under the age of 3 (4, 5, 6... you get the picture as the years went on) drained all of the sexual being out of me. "Just wait until your 30s" older friends would tell me. "Right now it's difficult with younger kids, but when they get older, your sex life will be dramatically different for the better."

Hello??? My kids are 10 and 8, and I'm still waiting for this 180 degree shift in my sexual goddess status. I'm beginning to think my sexual goddess went on vacation... and fingers crossed it's not a permanent one.

For me, sex is probably 80% mental and 20% physical. If my brain is counting the number of rolls of toilet
paper I remember seeing in the bathroom to figure out if I need to add toilet paper to the grocery list, mentally making the actual grocery list, concentrating on the pile of clothes in the corner that needs to be washed, and wondering if the kids are indeed asleep in case either one of us makes a sound, then it's not happening for me. Hubby? He's not phased by these things. He could have sex directly on the dirty clothes pile wrapped up in the rolls of toilet paper and he wouldn't think twice about it.

That's the biggest difference in my house- the mindset for Hubby and I as individuals. We seem to be on two completely different playing fields, trying to have a match.

My Priorities: (in order of importance)

  1. The kids
  2. Food
  3. The house
  4. Sleep
  5. Sex
Hubby's Priorities: (in order of importance)
  1. Sex
  2. Food
  3. Everything else
Yes, I am completely flattered (and thankful after having been through not 1 but 2 cheating boyfriends while Hubby and I were separated) that after being in each other's lives for 16 years now, that Hubby still finds me sexually attractive. I still find him sexually attractive, as well. It's just not as much of a necessity for me to show him every single day like it seems to be with him.

In my opinion, after having been married for this long, once every few days is perfectly acceptable to me. I've had friends who are once-a-weekers, once-a-monthers, every-dayers, once-a-quarterers, and even a once-a-yearer friend and a couple-times-a-dayer friend (rare ones, those two were)... so basically, just about anything goes, depending on the couple. There seems to be no right or wrong answer. A mathematical equation would make things so much easier...

Number of years of marriage - Total number of kids + Number of alone minutes a couple gets in a day / Number of hours of sleep each person got - Number of things Mom has left on her to do list + Number of things mom got crossed off of her to do list + Number of glasses of wine = How often a married couple should have sex

... but alas, it doesn't exist. 

When it comes down to it, I'm simply not feeling like a sexual goddess. Between the kids' daily crap, cleaning a house, running errands, cooking dinner, doing laundry, paying bills and goodness knows what else, I just want to have a glass of wine (or 3) and curl up in bed to sleep. No hanky panky, no kissing my neck, I'm stressed out and I just want to sleep, please.

On the flip side, Hubby wakes up before the ass crack of dawn, goes and works in the hot Arizona sun all day (yes, hot as hell even in December), comes home and can put everything aside to take part in something that we both enjoy, that feels good, and relieves stress. 

And because of this, I feel bad. I seriously do. I feel that I should be this sexual being who is having such mind-blowing sex every day that the neighbors need a cigarette afterwards. I feel that I should be able to put the image of the cat puking up a hairball on my newly mopped floor out of my head, and not worry about what I have to do the next day, and not get annoyed by Hubby cuddling up to me because one of the kids had been hanging on me since the moment they got home... but it's hard. 

Here's a shocker for you, too- I'm not even going to preach what most women do about how if their husbands covered the bed in rose petals and drew a hot bubble bath for them to relax that they'd put out more. While yes, I enjoy a good bouquet of flowers and box of chocolates, romancing me doesn't always mean I'll be in the mood afterwards. I'm weird like that. Sometimes I want out of the blue, throw me up against the wall spontaneity. Not if I'm in the middle of cooking dinner, though. It's a fine line some days. Being sweet and caring works most days, helping with the kids works even more, and if I happen to be in the mood and want sex right then, then yes, I do expect to pass Go immediately and collect my $200, thank you. 

So, I'm at a point where most days, Hubby and I don't see eye-to-eye about sex. Because my heart does want me to be closer to where he is, I'm trying to figure out ways to get myself there. Wearing sexy underwear under my clothes does help me claim my inner sex goddess a little more, but trying to mop the floors in a lacy thong and push-up bra doesn't feel the best, so I have to weigh that option against what's on my to do list for the day. I'm also working out every day so I can try and get back to my throw-me-up-against-the-wall weight and have more energy to fit some sexy time into my schedule. 

Just as much as I want to try and raise my positive view on sex, it'd be nice if Hubby toned it down a little. We've had huge fights about sex before- on more than one occasion. When I don't feel like it, I don't feel like it, and I don't want to be put into the mood; that's something he doesn't understand. I do wish sex wasn't so much of a focus, either. If it happens, it happens, but pressure to make it happen means that it won't happen... at least not for me. 

Now's the time for y'all to talk. There is an 'anonymous' option when commenting if you want to head into the realm of TMI but want some privacy about it. What are your pet peeves about sex? How was your sex life affected after having children? What (if anything) helped you if you've been in this spot? Let me know your thoughts below!!

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  1. Ah dude, there's nothing lamer than feeling obligated to put out. Or sleeping with someone at feels obligated. I had just the opposite problem with baby daddy. I couldn't get him to put out for anythin... and when he did, he would just lay there, looking at me like, "Are you done yet?" Boring! He would always tell me that I need to play hard to get more, but I was like, wtf I'm NOT hard to get, just give it to me!

    Good for you for reaching out and talking about this. It's something every married couple encounters at some point or another. It'll pass, dude.

    Do you guys do date nights or anything? It's probably hard living on the base. I remember when I was sex-deprived with the ex, sometimes I would tell him that if he didn't necessarily want to stick it in me, could we just fuckin' cuddle? I'm not one of those broads that needs snuggle time, but I really just wanted the physical connection that sex brought, and I was willing to compromise and try to get that connection somewhere else.

    But then, I'm not married to that dude anymore. *shrug*

    You rock my Jack Skellington socks. Have a good weekend, love!

    1. Hehehe, you always make me smile!

      Hubby and I are hella cuddlers, lol. I love cuddling on the couch, but that doesn't always translate to sex. It does translate to one of us falling asleep on the couch, which definitely doesn't translate to sex... at least not for me. Hubby can wake up from being passed out for the entirety of a 2 hour movie, and want to cuddle inside of me. (Sigh)

    2. Oh yes, the sleep molestation. Hehehe.

  2. I am in the same boat. Although my children are younger than yours I can actually stand here and say I haven't had sex with my husband in months and I dont regret it one bit (mostly). I have twins and let's just say my body doesn't resemble any thing remotely attractive (or human honestly) these days. I want to have sex and all my lady bits work just fine (thank you Mr. Rabbit) but I'M DUCKING TIRED! And I hate my stomach. It's reeeeally hard to bend it like Beckham when your boobies slap you in the face during sex. Sorry for that mental image y'all. I don't have any answers but I do understand. Sex is work and frankly if I have to service one more person I. Will. Have. A. Fit. So sorry honey, rub my back til your cows cum home but I aint rolling over for shit.

  3. Yet again, THANK GOD I am not the only one in this predicament. I used to be the one begging for sex (my hubby is much older...not like grandpa old,that would just be gross) but now, he is. He swears it's because we got married and I swear it's not! I am just exhausted. Why it is not ok for ME to be denying the sex this time around is beyond me, but I feel like I have lost my sexual goddess. I will say that I started reading a raunchy book and it got a little of my goddess back, so maybe there is hope. I guess that I wasn't much help,but I totally feel ya.

    1. Raunchy books always help, though I'm one of those people who hated the 50 Shades of Crap series. I prefer the Beauty books by Anne Rice.