Wednesday, November 14, 2012

"Magic Mike" and Ass Tassels- A Tatted Mom Style Review

I'm sure most women out there have already seen "Magic Mike". While I may be a little behind in the times, it's well worth the wait, because now you ladies get a review of the movie, Tatted Mom Style.

Let's start with the plot of the movie. It shocked me to find that this movie actually had a plot to begin with and a damn good one. Magic Mike (played by the amazing Channing Tatum) is a male stripper who is just doing it to pay the bills (don't all strippers say that?) and save money to open his own custom furniture business (hey, at least he isn't "putting himself through college" as a stripper). During the day he's also a building contractor, and has an auto detailing business. He comes across (not literally, ladies get your heads out of the gutter right this second- I'll let you know when you can put them back in the gutter) The Kid at his day job; a 19 year old hottie, Alex Pettyfer, who is pretty much lost in this world. The movie chronicles their friendship, how Mike gets The Kid a job stripping at night, and how The Kid gets too deep (out of the gutter) into the lifestyle that is sex, drugs and money, with his sister (played by Cody Horn) worrying about him the entire way- a sister that Mike just happens to fall in love with.

Now that we have the basic plot, you ladies can insert your mind back into the gutter for the Tatted Mom Style review.

Like I stated above, the plot was amazing... and there was too damn much of it. I sat down to watch "Magic Mike" thinking it was going to be nothing but naked hot guys shaking their tight little asses, and they throw this awesome story line at me. There's love (and not just the love I developed for Channing Tatum's on-stage moves), there's betrayal, there's sacrifice- there's a REAL movie hidden under all of the thrusting hips. Much more than we can say about any stripper movie in the past- think "Showgirls" and "Striptease". Prime examples of why stripping movies should be about male strippers.

Within the first minute of the movie, we get some nice Channing Tatum ass- and when I say nice, ladies, I mean niiiccceeee. There were several times throughout the movie that I had to pause it and say to a friend of mine (because hell yes, we made this a Chick Event), "Can you believe he's our age?" I wasn't mesmerized by some 18 year old's ass in this movie- I was mesmerized by an ass in its 30s, which made me feel so much better about my life. Getting older means the hot actors in movies are getting younger, and when they are so much younger than me that I could have babysat them when I was a teenager, it doesn't matter if they are of legal age, I still feel like a perverted old lady oogling their goodies. Not in this movie. Channing Tatum is a healthy 32 year old, and Alex Pettyfer teeters on the edge of acceptable at 22, but I'll take it.

And please don't forget about Matthew McConaughey. He's in his 40s and I wouldn't think twice about licking pudding off of his abs. Holy crap, that man is hot. And his southern accent is alive and well in this
movie, ladies. It's a bit misleading, though. I'm from the south, and down there, an accent like Matthew McConaughey's, that can instantly make your knees weak, isn't associated with faces and bodies as hot as Matthew McConaughey's. They are generally associated with rednecks who dropped out of school and live for fishin' and huntin' everyday- not sexy men with asses you can bounce a quarter off and abs you can wash your laundry on.

I was surprised to find that this movie had no penises in it (well, there was sort of one, in the corner of the shot, but not really). I was perfectly okay with that. I was completely fine staring at abs, and pecs, and asses- and keeping my imagination going that what accompanied those amazing abs were amazing packages, too. No need to ruin my fantasy with showing me exactly what each guy is sporting. Some things are better left a mystery, in my opinion.

I had two beefs with the movie:

1. Matthew McConaughey's Wardrobe. Whoever planned this out needs to be fired. There's a scene at the gym where McConaughey is teaching The Kid some stripper moves. Seeing Matthew McConaughey in an 80s half shirt and spandex shortie shorts did nothing for me... in fact, at that moment he dropped a few notches. And then there are the ass tassels. That's right, ladies, there are Ass Tassels. You're watching McConaughey in his strip scene (they saved it for closer to the end of the movie), his abs working, his gyrating hips, he rips his pants off and starts humping the floor, and it looks like (as my friend so eloquently stated) he ate a cassette tape and shit it out. Ass tassels everywhere, and you can't help but stare at them... and not in a good way. An image burned into my memory forever.

Ass Tassels
2. The Female Lead. I don't have a problem with Cody Horn. She is a decent actress, but as the female lead in this movie, sorry, I didn't buy it. Channing Tatum is married to Jenna Dewan, has played opposite Rachel McAdams, and they give me Cody Horn to believe his character fell for in this movie? Sorry. And Cody is playing The Kid's (Alex Pettyfer) sister. I didn't see that, either. I think they should have cast the female lead a little more believable in this movie. I couldn't get into the love story plot line between Tatum and Horn as much because I couldn't stand looking at her face.

Overall, this movie was pretty damn good. I was surprised to find that Channing Tatum's acting didn't suck as it normally does. Let's face it ladies, he's an amazing face (and body) to look at, but his acting skills will probably never win him an Oscar. In this movie, he's much better. I was also surprised at how well Tatum moves for a white boy. Yep, you read that right. Tatum can dance. He moves his hips, his abs and his ass in this mesmerizing snake-charming way that has you forgetting what your name is. Everyone went crazy over the 'Pony' scene from this movie, and while yes, it was good, I can't get over the scene where he's wearing the black vest. Good grief my blood pressure rose with that one. (I'll post it at the bottom for y'alls enjoyment, but if you haven't seen the movie, head to youtube and search for the Pony scene- yum!)

I would like to state before I wrap this up that yes, there were other hot guys in the movie besides Tatum, Pettyfer and McConaughey. There's that guy from "CSI: Miami", that guy from "True Blood", and that guy from "White Collar". They also threw in an old wrestler, too. Honestly, none of these guys matter. They are just more hot bodies (minus the wrestler- he's just old) to fill the screen, but seriously, no one paid attention to them.

I give this movie 2 thumbs up and 2 hard nipples... seriously, ladies, if you haven't seen it, go watch it now. It's out on DVD. And don't kid yourself or anyone else by saying it's a movie with a great plot line, and you are watching it for the sweet dance moves. You are watching it for the hard bodies and nice asses, and the great story is a bonus.

And here's exactly why you need to see it... Enjoy!

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  1. I bought this movie and every time I watch it I skip all the boring storyline stuff and just watch the dancing. I personally thought the story line was lame and they could have done way better.

    1. Don't get me wrong, now that I've watched it, I'll probably skip through to all of the good parts now, lol. I still liked the story line; surprised me. Thanks for your comment!

  2. I'm scared to watch it. Channing Tatum is my god when me and my Rabbit get together. Sorry if that is TMI but its true. I think my head would explode if I saw him in ass tassels.

    1. LMAO! I love your reply! There's no such thing as TMI around here. And he has no ass tassels- just Matthew McConaughey, lol. Tatum wears a G-string during the 'Pony' song which is a little strange, but he has a very nice ass to go with it, lol.