Monday, November 19, 2012

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Little Girl Who Hated Hostess Twinkies

So, the biggest news of the last week or so has not been how the President will stay another 4 years in office. Nope.

After 82 years in business, Hostess has closed its doors.

Courtesy of NYDailyNews
No more Wonder Bread, no more Ding Dongs, no more Twinkies... well, maybe.

Let's think about this logically, Inklingers. You know it's true that when one Ho falls to the wayside, there's always another one to take her place. Hell, I'm pretty sure Little Debbie is licking her lips to fill the void that Hostess has left in our lives, and after she's done removing the pins from her Hostess voodoo doll, and paying off the bakers who went on strike, we'll hear that she has acquired the Hostess name and products. If nothing else, Little Debbie makes things similar to Hostess goodies. Yes, a Cloud Cake isn't nearly as soft and spongy as a Twinkie, but in a Twinkie-less world, it will have to do.

I have a few beefs with this whole situation:
  1. The Union. It's my understanding from reading all of the articles, that the following chain of events occurred:
    Declining economy -> Sales going down for Hostess -> Hostess tried to cut wages and benefits to make up for the lack of sales -> Union stepped in and bakers went on strike -> Hostess could not reach an agreement with the union -> Hostess closed its doors

    While I completely understand job rights and unions to protect the workers, isn't a job with reduced pay and reduced benefits better than No Job with high pay and good benefits? Way to go there, Union- now you just put an ass load of people out of jobs. And in the process of lining up all of the Hostess workers in the unemployment line, you helped closed one of the iconic businesses of several generations- the people who make Twinkies. I'd hate to be the person telling my grandkids that story:

    "Yeah, little Jimmy, I was one of the union workers that advised the Hostess bakers to go on strike, consequently causing Hostess to close there doors, which is why you haven't had a Twinkie since you were 3."

  2. Opportunists. Have y'all heard that cases of Twinkies are going on Amazon Marketplace and Ebay for over $200 a box? When people heard that Hostess had closed their doors, the shelves at the grocery stores were emptied, and people started selling them online at 1000% or more markup. While I pity the people who are paying thousands of dollars for Twinkies (because, let's face it- someone will buy the rights to Twinkies and continue to make them), I'm pissed at myself. I was standing in the checkout line at the grocery store when the cashier told me about Hostess closing their doors. My dumb ass could have turned right around, bought all the Twinkies I could see, and I'd be rich right now. Did I decide to capitalize on the stupidity of ignorant Americans who think there will never be another Twinkie? No, I didn't. I'd like to say it's because I didn't want to take advantage of a situation and the people of America. But honestly, I didn't think it would get to cases selling for hundreds of dollars. And, I was checking out and had already been in the store for 2 hours. I didn't feel like turning around and gambling with our hard earned money.  But I sure am kicking myself in the ass now. Seriously. Christmas could have been paid for. I guess I still have a shred of decency in me, huh? Blah. My beef isn't with the opportunists as much as it's with myself for not being one.

  3. The Negativity. Twinkies are not forever gone, people. Hostess went bankrupt, closed their doors, but there is no way that some moneybags somewhere isn't going to jump at the opportunity to buy the Hostess name and recipes and start producing our wonderful goodies again. Hell, I watch Shark Tank every Friday, and there are 5 people right there that were probably on the first plane to the court hearing this week. While it's sad that a business that has survived 82 years of this roller coaster economy will probably be picked off piece by piece, it's the way of the world when even more greedy people get involved. I know of a thousand people that would have LOVED to take a position at Hostess for less pay and less benefits when the bakers went on strike, because they have been looking for work for years now. But, when the negativity, the greed sets in and takes over, only bad things come of that. While Twinkies will no longer be produced by Hostess as we knew them growing up, Twinkies are not dead. So y'all can quit going all Woody Harrelson in "Zombieland" on us and relax. You'll have the spongy, creamy goodness once again. I'm just hoping the chocolate filled Twinkies aren't going to get thrown to the wayside with this restructuring. Those things made my lady parts tingle.

I am just as upset as the next kid who grew up having Twinkies, Ding Dongs and SnoBalls- hell, my daughter just now found the joy of the SnoBall. Now those might be gone, because someone will save the Twinkies, and the Ding Dongs, probably even Wonder Bread. I fear for the SnoBall, the chocolate cupcakes and the Donettes. Man, when I was growing up, Sunday mornings my parents would head to the grocery store early in the morning and grab a bag of the powdered sugar Donettes for my sister and I to have for breakfast. 20 years later whenever I go home and visit, I found myself buying a bag of Donettes for Sunday morning, for my kids to enjoy, and for my mom, sister and I to have while we drank a cup of coffee. 20 years of a tradition that is now in the hands of some company I can hope will acquire Hostess and do it justice.

Damn Little Debbie and her voodoo magic. I know it was her. Hell hath no fury like a little girl who has spent the last 50 years competing against the Twinkie and wants to rule the sweet bakery treats world. Watch out, TastyKake, you're next...

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4 comments:

  1. I was totally like Twinkies gone? Whatevs. But then you reminded me that Snoballs are gone too! No more pinks, no more green or purple balls of spongy, sqooshy sexiness? Aaaaaack! My dear old dad taught me to take the cake out of the middle and mix it with vanilla ice cream. He's a long haul truck driver and knows all the cool junk food tricks. RIP Hostess...

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    1. I'm not much on the SnoBalls, but if I was, I'd totally be mixing some cake with ice cream. That sounds amazing, lol.

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  2. Meh, I always liked Little Debbie better anyhow! Plus now that Hostess is going away the Internetz is filled with all sorts of homemade Hostess goodie recipes. Not that I'd ever fool with making any of them, but it is still pretty neat.

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    1. I saw a Twinkie recipe the other day. I'll just buy Cloud Cakes, thanks, lol.

      I love Little Debbie's Christmas Tree Cakes this time of year. A huge guilty pleasure of mine. LOVE THEM!!

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