Friday, November 30, 2012

2012 Holiday Position Available: Tatted Mom's Brain

In 2010, I advertised for the position of my personal Holiday Bitch Filter in Holiday Position Now Available! Last year I launched the seasonal Stick Removal R Us business in New Holiday Service Available, because I was tired of dealing with people with sticks up their asses when I ventured outside to do my happy shopping. This year is no different.

Courtesy of Amy Tiemann
Now hiring for the holiday season, with possible permanent job placement after the holidays: Someone dedicated, sarcastic, organized and just slightly less crazy than me to be Tatted Mom's Brain.

Job Description:
This person will pretty much be my functioning brain for the holiday season. I'm scatterbrained as it is, but during the holidays it gets way worse. Similar to a personal assistant, this person will organize my day, help me remember school functions, help me budget, reply to emails I forget about, keep up with the daily running of the house, and so on.

Additional job duties include:
  • Telling people 'no' for me. I'm not good at this with people who politely extend invitations during the season, so if an event or gathering comes up that I'd rather pull my toenails out with pliers than attend, Tatted Mom's Brain will tell the person 'no' for me. Not coach me on how to say 'no', actually tell the person 'no'. If they recognize that the voice on the phone sounds weird, we will tell them I'm sick. If we are face to face with the person asking, Tatted Mom's Brain needs to be agile enough to ninja-style pop up in front of me, tell the person 'no' and disappear.
  • Helping me come up with ridiculous ways to screw with my loved ones. It's difficult always being a sarcastic bitch to friends and family, so the person that gets the job of Tatted Mom's Brain will have to be able to help me stay on top of things. If the kids ask to have a candy bar 10 minutes before dinner, a simple no doesn't do in my house. Telling the kids, 'Sure, but those are Mom's secret laxative candy bars, so as soon as you eat them you'll be in the bathroom crapping your brains out all night instead of eating baked spaghetti with cookies for dessert. Go ahead' is completely acceptable. Telling the kids we got them a pet llama for Christmas but forgot to poke holes in the box under the tree is an every year event, so I need help coming up with new material this year.
  • Finding half naked pictures of Channing Tatum or Ryan Gosling when morale is low. Being 2000 miles away from family sometimes gets to me, so I do get a case of the holiday blues at times. Having almost-porn quality pictures or videos of Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling on hand to help cheer me up is a necessity. If you find underground home sex tape videos, you get a raise, and if you actually kidnap one of them, I'll take care of you for life.
  • Scouring the deals sites when I'm too tired. This year we have only spent somewhere around $300 for Christmas presents, but it's over $700 worth of stuff. This is because I spend hours on the internet flipping through deals sites, coupon sites and holiday blogs to find loopholes in online sales and coupons for in-store uses. When my ass starts to go numb, Tatted Mom's brain will need to take over. No bitching, no whining- get to finding deals.
  • Coming up with new ways to disguise the Christmas presents. Every year, my kids get smarter and smarter. They pick up a wrapped present from under the tree, shake it, and I hear, 'That's pajamas.' or 'That's a movie.' It pisses me off so much that I just spent hours at the mall finding the perfect whatever, just for them to guess it within 5 minutes of it being under the tree. So, each year I disguise some of the presents. I'll put a bottle with vitamins in the box along with their present so the box rattles. I'll take an extremely small gift and wrap in in a TV box. I'll tape random pieces of cardboard to the outside of the present before wrapping it so it's all funky shaped. Having the ability to come up with new ways to do confuse my kids (and Hubby- he does the same shit) is a necessity.
  • Making lists. Sorry, I'm a list person. If I can't cross it off my list, it didn't happen. I'm not opposed to you adding the item to our list after we've done it, either. That's perfectly acceptable. But if you don't make lists, you need to keep job searching. 
  • Telling me I'm losing weight. One huge part of being Tatted Mom's Brain is convincing me that my ass is not getting larger. When I'm standing in front of the mirror thinking, "I swear my ass is bigger than it was last week," your job as my brain is to tell me, "Nope. You remember that extra roll above that tattoo right there-it's missing this week." And if my jeans don't fit after you telling me that, your answer is simply, "Water-weight. You ate that whole bag of salt and vinegar chips yesterday, remember? It's not the fat and calories from the chips, it's simply the salt." If this relationship I have with my brain, when it comes to my weight, is ever compromised, then I'll have to start exercising... and that's a no-no...
There are way more items in the job description than listed here, but as the position of Tatted Mom's Brain is still open, I can't think of what they are. Irony at its best...

Being able to perform this job will take a special set of skills.

Job Requirements:
  • A slightly demented mind. A clean, non-sarcastic, rational person need not apply. The weirder, the better. There's no way you can help me handle my kids or Hubby with calm, logical thought processing.
  • Effective arguer. There are many times in a day that I will get into an argument with myself, so the person who gets the Tatted Mom's Brain position must be able to argue with me. Eventually we will reach a decision, but sometimes it's a necessity to question myself and then argue with logic on the way.
  • A bitch, but not bitchier than me. I deal well with other bitches, so being able to roll with my punches and mood swings is a necessity. But if I'm overshadowed as the bitch, you could get fired. Just a heads up.
  • A wine drinker. This position pays in wine, laughs and pats on the back, so if you aren't a wine drinker, or are looking for actual money, you should probably keep looking.
While this is a holiday position, permanent job placement after the holidays is a possibility. It all depends on how well the position is handled, how smoothly the holidays go, and how fried they made me. 

Thank you for your interest in becoming Tatted Mom's Brain. If you don't hear back on the status of your application, it's probably because the position is still not filled... again, irony at its best...



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1 comment:

  1. I totally get you! I ordered my daughter the prettiest pair of shoes from an online shoe store (who shall remain nameless) and they sent me two left shoes. Seriously. And I still cannot convince myself to spring for the tricycle my husband wants for one of the boys because HELLO! they aren't even two yet. I'm so so so done with shopping and not literally either. If we survive the first round is on me!

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