Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Countdown to Crapping in Peace

I am T-minus 7 days until I get into a house and out of this effing apartment. A house... with a huge kitchen... and separate bedrooms for the kids... and 2.5 bathrooms instead of 1... and a Tatted Mom room with my books, my art supplies and my writing stuff. Basically, I'm 7 days away from heaven... I think.

If you are a regular Inklings reader, you know that Hubby is military. We made the decision months ago to go ahead and move into base housing. We're starting over as a couple, trying to rebuild our family, so we want as little stress as possible, and for us, that means moving into base housing. We are 1 week away from moving, and we have yet to sign the paperwork on the house. Our orders for moving on base were cut weeks ago, the movers have been scheduled, I'm aching to call the cable company and get cable cancelled and the internet moved, but we are at a standstill right now, which of course is driving me absolutely insane. We haven't signed the paperwork for the house, done the inspection, nothing... hell, we haven't even seen the inside of the house yet. Each day that goes by I am closer to either curling up in the fetal position in the corner with my thumb in my mouth or needing my prescription for my Happy Pills refilled.

Pic courtesy of Yeah She Said It
This is the 5th move for the kids and I in the last 2 years. 3 of those moves were cross country and the 4th move was from South Carolina to Virginia- 400 miles. Needless to say, I'm frigging tired. I haven't seen my possessions in almost 2 years. They've gone from house to boxes to storage to new storage unit. When I start unpacking, it will be like Christmas for me, seeing things I didn't remember that I had.

None of that even matters when compared to the fact that we are (hopefully) a week away from a house. Almost twice the size of this tiny ass apartment, room to move, room to breathe, room to march to the opposite end of and hide in if the kids piss me off. Over the years of moving from houses to apartments, I have come to one large conclusion...

There are so many things you take for granted when you live in a house- things that, when a family of 4 lives in a 900 square foot apartment, immediately become issues:

  • Crapping in peace without the entire family, and the neighbors, knowing what you are doing
  • Loud sex
  • Being able to have 2 people in the kitchen without pissing each other off
  • Not immediately smelling that a cat's latest meal didn't quite agree with their stomach, and they had to expel it with the quickness
  • Showering in peace, without someone needing to pee as soon as you step into the shower
  • Sex in any room other than the bedroom, with the door closed, in the bed, after the kids go to sleep
  • Doing laundry without using quarters and taking baskets of clothes up and down 3 flights of stairs
  • Not knowing when your neighbors are crapping or having sex
  • Kids not sleeping at night because they are busy talking to each other or making farting sounds with their hands from across the same room
  • Having to pee at the exact same time one of the kids has explosive diarrhea
  • Not being smack dab in the middle of the cats' morning chase of one another that goes from one end of the dwelling to the other
  • Being able to take the groceries from the car directly to the pantry without going through a parking lot and up 3 flights of stairs
  • Opening the dishwasher and the fridge at the same time
  • Not knowing that Hubby farted when he's in the living room and you are in the bedroom

I want to take all of these things for granted again. I could look at it as being thankful for having more than we've had in the last 2 years, but seriously, I want to be selfish. I want to go back to being spoiled by the things above that you would never know are spoilers until you do without them.

I want to kiss the kids goodnight and not hear them again until the morning.
I want to cook an amazing dinner for my family, invite friends over, and have room for everyone.
I want to have sex outside of the bedroom.
I want to be completely stressed out by whatever, go find a hiding spot in the house, and not having anyone find me in the first 10 seconds I go missing.
I want to be able to take a shower at the same time someone else in the house has a messed up stomach, and not have it effect my shower time.
I want the cats to be able to play hide and seek or chase each other at 90 miles an hour and not be used as a springboard for one of them to take a flying leap across the room.

For crying out loud, I want a small piece of my sanity back. I know it won't all come back to me with us moving into a house, but just a puzzle piece size will do- maybe the part of my sanity that expects the cats to answer back to me when I talk to them.

One week. One little week, contingent on the housing office getting the house ready from the last tenants moving out. One week away from peace, from happiness, from dressing my kids up for Halloween and walking right out of the front door to start the trick-or-treating.

One more week to being spoiled again.

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  1. You crack me up! I'm totally stoked for you guys, it's going to be so enjoyable! I must tell you, from one tatted mom to another, that your kids are still gonna be banging on the damn ass bathroom door while you're trying to shit in piece. Or maybe it's just special for my kids, even though we have four fuckin bathrooms to chose from. My dog also sits outside of whatever bathroom I'm in, crying because I shut the door. You rock my socks, have fun!

    1. Thanks! I know one of our cats will demand entrance to the bathroom while I'm in there. If my kids do it... they'll be grounded. =)

  2. That list is freakin awesome. Im so sharing this! I laughed so hard i almost peed my pants but then again im not able to go to the bathroom either as my son is dumping in there. (we only have 1 bath as well and I will have to agree that 1 bath in a house of kids is just about the suckyist thing in the world. ;)

    1. Thank you for sharing! Glad you liked it! I think the bathrooms in the new house has me the most excited. And the kitchen. It's a tossup, lol.