Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Tatted Mom's Exercise Routine

I decided to start an exercise routine this week. It is the kids' first full week of school, Hubby is working during the day, and I have approximately 5 1/2 hours a day to myself. I figured 30 minutes of that would be beneficially spent exercising.

What I should have done, was post my intentions here on Inklings on Sunday night, so you all could talk me out of it. I have been in so much pain the last 2 days, it's not funny. The lunges and squats I did on Day 1 of my exercise routine have rendered my legs pretty useless. I'm thinking now of just covering myself in fake blood and growling so people think my slow, awkward, dragging-my-legs walk I have going on is because I'm a zombie.

It made me think about all of the times in my past that I started an exercise routine, and what happened to all of those times. I'm hoping this time is different, but only time will tell as to whether or not history repeats itself.

Tatted Mom's Exercise Routine
  1. Wake up Monday morning ready to go, excited to be finally getting off my ass, and motivated to do whatever it takes to get my 18 year old body back. I've decided that because I'm working out and I'm going to eat healthy, I can reach my goal weight loss of 20 pounds in one month. I understand that it's not recommended to lose more than 2 pounds a week, but how hard can 5 pounds a week really be? I go ahead and weigh myself, so I have a starting point, and as I look at the number on the scale, I vow that this is the last time I ever see that number on the scale. From this point on, the numbers will get lower and lower.
  2. I get dressed into my workout clothes, lace up my tennis shoes, and pop in a 30 minute workout video, because that's all I need each day to be able to lose 5 pounds a week, right? I have a towel for when I sweat, and a bottle of water next to me, ready to go. I'm pumped, still motivated, and very excited as I hit 'play' on the DVD.
  3. Getting through the warm up is easy as pie. Man, I'm going to be hott in one month. Hell, I'm rocking this workout so much, that I'm sure I'll look like a supermodel after a week.
  4. 9 minutes into the workout video, I'm sweating bullets and ready to die.
  5. 11 minutes into the workout video, the instructor finally mentions that if you aren't able to keep up with the video, it's okay, and to just march in place until you get your breath back and can join back in.
  6. 12 minutes into the workout video, I take the instructor's advice, start walking in place and grab my bottle of water.
  7. 14 minutes into the workout video, I attempt to jump right back into the routine. Apparently during my break they switched to the super hard workout that only Olympic athletes can complete.
  8. 15 minutes into the workout video, I'm screaming, 'Eff that. Real people can't do that move. Of course it's easy for y'all, you are effing professional fitness instructors. There's no way actual people can do this ish.'
  9. Picture courtesy of
  10. 16 minutes into the workout video I start to walk away, and then realize I need to finish the DVD, as I'm more than halfway done now.
  11. 17 minutes into the workout video I'm back on track, keeping up with the video as much as I possibly can.
  12. 24 minutes into the workout video I'm yelling, 'Come ON, I KNOW it's time for the cool down.'
  13. 25 minutes into the workout video I scream 'Hell YES' when the instructor says it's time for the cool down.
  14. When the workout video is complete, I pat myself on the back for an amazing workout, and go run to the bathroom to look at my body in the mirror. That workout MUST have worked already.
  15. While I'm checking myself out in the mirror, I decide to jump back on the scale, because I know I just sweated out 5 pounds of water weight. I look down to see I gained 3 pounds.
  16. I crumble onto the floor in tears. All of that worked and I gained weight. It's useless. I'll never lose the weight. I then realize that I weighed myself naked before I started, and now I'm wearing workout clothes and tennis shoes. I feel foolish, pick myself up off the ground, and wipe my tears.
  17. I drink my water, eat healthy for day one, and tell everyone about my amazing workout and how I'm getting into shape again.
  18. Tuesday morning (Day 2), I wake up feeling like a transfer truck hit me. Every muscle hurts. I start to curse the workout routine from the day before.
  19. I fall out of bed, cursing exercise, and debate whether or not I'll even workout today. It can't be good to work out when you are so sore, right?
  20. I get it into my head that if I see that the exercising paid off, then it'll be worth doing it again. I run hobble to the bathroom and immediately get onto the scale to weigh myself. No change.
  21. I am now convinced that exercising does nothing, that there's no way being in this much pain is good for the body, and do the math that exercise = pain and pain = bad, so exercise = bad. Math doesn't lie.
  22. I say 'Screw exercise', take 800mg of Advil and painfully climb back into bed.
  23. The 'no exercise' part of my exercise routine lasts for about 3-4 months until I've gained a few more pounds and decide that it's time, once again, for me to exercise and get healthy.
  24. Repeat steps 1-22 all over again.
Yep, that's a typical Tatted Mom exercise routine. Pretty sad, huh? (And pretty realistic- it's okay, you can admit it.)

This time around, I made it through Day 2. I chose to do some yoga/core stability as my Day 2 exercise routine, even though I was still in so much pain. I started to regret it at the end of Day 2, as the pain seemed to have gotten worse, but I can't give up. Not this time.

So, we'll see how it goes. Do I see me convincing myself that taking one day off is okay and good for my body, here in the near future? Yes, I do. That's usually another point when I don't start up again. Fingers crossed, though, the pain will be gone here very soon, and I don't have to worry about it anymore, I can just concentrate on keeping up with my routine.

Afterall, I have 28 more days to lose 20 pounds. Completely realistic, right? Hubby wanted me to try something like P90X or Insanity with him, but I don't need that. My 30 minutes a day, 4-5 days a week (maybe even 3) of regular ol' exercise, is more than enough to help me obtain my goal, right? 

That's what I've convinced myself of, so it has to be true...

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  1. Haha, I love it! After a 3-week hiatus from hot yoga I managed to get there last night. Go me! We can do it!!

    1. I have always wanted to try hot yoga. I should have gone with a girl I worked with in VA when I had a chance. Damnit.
      And yes, we can do this. I got off my butt and did pilates today to stretch my muscles out really good. It felt amazing after all of the pain I've been in since Monday, lol.

    2. Thanks for the encouragement, by the way, lol! And good luck to you! =)

  2. I got a rowing machine. It's actually quite easy to stick to although my best intentions of working out for thirty minutes every day right off the bat have been adjusted to something more realistic - like, fifteen minutes, twenty if I'm invigorated.

    We can do it!

    1. LOL. I'm not a big fan of working my arms and back (too much back pain from being a tattoo artist, which yes, means I should work out my back more, lol), I'm more of a legs/abs/butt kinda girl. We have a stationary bike in the (crappy) fitness room here at the apartment complex, but the resistance part of it is broken, so you can pedal, and the wheel just spins and spins. Lame sauce!

      We can do this! Good luck to you! Thanks for the encouragement! =)