Thursday, August 30, 2012

Arch Nemesis Mom

Every mom out there has that one nemesis- that other mom at school, or at the play date, or the mom's group, that annoys the hell out of them for any number of reasons. Sometimes it's because the other mom is needy, or not needy enough, or has it all together, or is always frazzled, or talks to much, or doesn't talk at all, or is too skinny after having had a child 2 weeks ago, or is too fat after having had kids 12 years ago. Whatever the reason, when that mom makes her presence, we roll our eyes and look for the closest corner to go stand in or make ourselves look busy so we don't have to talk to her.

Don't act like y'all have never done this. I'm the mom who calls all other moms out on stuff like this, remember? I'm the mom that lets you know that we have all been there, so you don't need to feel bad about it, too.

When we first come across this other mom, our Arch Nemesis Mom, we immediately feel uncomfortable. We can't put our finger on it at first, but once we've stared analyzed the other mom for a while, we are able to start forming an opinion.

This opinion of her is completely unwarranted, biased as hell, and is based on absolutely no concrete evidence whatsoever. It's formed by seeing one action or overhearing one piece of a conversation, and then letting our imaginations do the rest. We decide pretty quickly, based on one small observation, that we are going to dislike this woman and why we are going to dislike them. This stuff has no grounds in reality at all, but we don't see that; we're blinded by our dislike, and from that moment on, everything Arch Nemesis Mom does annoys the piss out of us.

I have already found my Arch Nemesis Mom at the kids' school this year, and holy crap, just seeing her makes me roll my eyes uncontrollably and fight every urge to walk up to her and say, 'What the hell?'

I noticed this woman during the first week of school, there to pick up her younger kid. You can't miss her; the first thing you see is that she has bleach blonde hair. Not natural, doesn't want it to look natural,
completely bleached, completely fake hair. She has her freak blonde hair cut in that cut that's short in the back, long in the front, but longer on one side than the other- I'm sorry, but that shit pisses me off. My OCD kicks in, and I just want to snip the longer side to make it even with the shorter side. Anyway, while atrocious, it's obvious her hair costs her a lot of money. Her eyebrows are thick dark brown, so getting her hair that evenly bleach blonde and maintaining that horrible lopsided haircut isn't cheap.

As I continued absorbing everything about her in a morbid fascination, I noticed that her nails were done as well. Acrylic nails, freshly done, with beautiful airbrushed patterns on them. My eyes quickly darted down to her toes, which were also freshly pedicured, complete with the same french manicured tips and airbrushed flowers. Hair done, nails done, feet done...

And she was wearing cut off sweat pants that were 2 sizes too small for her, a ragged t-shirt with holes, and nasty, falling apart flip flops.

What the hell, really? It was at that moment that she became my Arch Nemesis Mom. Why? Simply because I couldn't believe that someone that cared so much about their appearance to keep an expensive-to-maintain hairdo, manicured hands and pedicured feet, left the house wearing clothes that should have been thrown away years ago. She was a walking paradox, and that pissed me off.

Yes, an Arch Nemesis Mom can be born that quickly, from that shallow of reasoning. Remember, it's not grounded in reality at all.

In my opinion, if she's going to drop so much money on her appearance every month or few weeks, she needs to follow through with it and carry it to completion. Yes, I understand she's just picking her kid up from school, and yes, I've thought that maybe she has a day job, or night job, or weekend job, where that entire get-up is warranted. But, if you care that much about your appearance, you owe it to yourself to keep it up. I'm not saying spend an hour doing your makeup just to pick your kid up from school on your day off of work, but damn- put some decent clothes on. Not a pin-up style dress, not stilettos and a corset, but some jeans, a tank top, a belt and an easy accessory or something. Not sweat pants that you fit into before you had kids and a shirt that would better be used for dusting than wearing.

If the clothes were covered in paint, even that would be more acceptable to me because then she'd be an artist, and I don't try and understand artists. We are strange people who don't make any sense, therefore I simply accept them as they are.

But no. All of that money on upkeep of her hair and nails, and she disappoints by not carrying out the entire ensemble. Depressing. If you want to wear sweats and holy shirts, then don't waste the money on expensive hair, nails and feet maintenance. Just my opinion.

The stick figure family on my car
I've seen Arch Nemesis Mom outside of school, and as I said in the intro, the more we find out about our Arch Nemesis Mom, the more we don't like her (whether it's valid or makes sense or not doesn't matter). She drives a mini-van with the back window covered in stickers. There's the obligatory stick figure family in the bottom corner of the back windshield (I have a stick figure family, too- of zombies. It makes me want to add a sticker that says 'My stick figure family ate your stick figure family' next to it.), a bunch of flip flops and various sports decals, and some word in the top (a last name, maybe? It's in graffiti style lettering- hard to read), and the 'Proud Air Force Wife' magnet on the back.

Yes, all of these just add to the disdain for her. No reason why, they just do.

I just want to walk up to her and ask her why. Why does she put so much money into her appearance just to not care about her appearance? It's usually an all or nothing thing. When I really don't care about  my appearance, I walk out of the house with my hair thrown in a pony tail, workout clothes on, and no makeup. My hair hasn't been dyed in months and I don't have manicured or pedicured anything. If I took the time to have my hair, nails and feet done, then I'd do myself the common courtesy of throwing on some more presentable clothes when I left the house. Hell, even a jumpsuit with matching jacket and pants that said 'Juicy' on the ass would have been acceptable for this woman. A simple sundress. Something other than rags. That's just me, though.

So, as of right now, that's my Arch Nemesis Mom. Every time I see her bleach blonde head, I pull down my sunglasses so no one can see me roll my eyes at her.

I have wondered, though, if there's not something else at play when it comes to her. I started to analyze my dislike for her one day and realized she looks a hell of a lot like Hubby's ex-girlfriend- same height, same shape, same haircut, minus the bleach blonde look. That might have a little to do with the situation- when I first saw her, I had to do a double take because I wondered if it was Hubby's ex.

I'm sure that doesn't have much to do with it, though. Naaahhhh.....

Moms are superheroes...
I doubt she'll stay my Arch Nemesis Mom for long; I'll be getting involved with the PTO and my kids' classrooms here soon. I'm sure this bleach blondie will be replaced by the mom who makes her kids' sandwich bread from scratch each morning after cutting the wheat from her back yard and grinding it into flour. There's always one of those in the class, and they piss all other moms off. That's a guarantee.

I wonder if I'm anyone's Arch Nemesis Mom? Well, not yet because I haven't gotten to know anyone, but in my past. That would be... awesome! Some woman, pissed as shit at the sight of me each day, bitching to her friends about my tattoos or whatever. Man, that would be great. I'd be in gossip mom heaven right there.

That's usually how my friendships start out; one of us hating the other. Funny how that is...

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  1. This post is amusing for the single fact that I'm everyones arch nemesis mom. For completely uncontrollable reasons.... I'm 25 and look 14 in a community of 30year old moms. I'm much smaller no matter what I do or eat. I tend to be on the friendly side, greeting everyone with at least a smile. And my son is rather well behaved compared to the other children so I don't have to stand around the bus stop yelling at him the way the other moms have to. And these women don't even bother to throw down their shades dammit so I get to see the eye rolls. I'm thinking of ways I can really blow their minds without embarrassing my boy or scarring him for life lol.

    1. Girl, I used to be you, a few years ago. Before I decided to wreck my life, I was the mom that other moms hated- I even made my kids' baby wipes and diaper rash cream when they were little. We were always hosting parties where I'd make the cutest finger foods, always be smiling and my house was neat, cleaned with all-natural cleaning products I made myself.

      Yeah, then I went and screwed that all up. I'm working on getting it back, though.

      More power to you! =)

    2. I've haven't been reading you blogs that long but I back tracked quite a bit and love it and let me just say you are doing a fabulous job getting your life back to where/how you want it. That takes a strong women..... I may not be a military wife but truckers wife isn't so different, even without screwing it all up it takes a lot to keep it going steady.

    3. Thanks! =) It's tough some days, but I'm working it like a hooker works a street corner. I'm glad you found your way here to Inklings!