87% of what comes out of my children's mouths is either irrelevant, pointless or designed to piss me off (even though that may not be their intention). The other 13% is comprised of telling me something legitimate, asking thought-provoking questions, or making me laugh. That's it, just 13%.
I'm so glad I could get that out, and admit what most moms won't admit.
My kids are 10 and 7, and are both at the ages of opening their mouths just to hear themselves speak. They don't go a moment all day long without speaking, singing, or making noises with their mouths. I never realized, until I started being around them 24/7, that they were this...
|Courtesy of zazzle.com|
I'll let y'all in on another motherhood secret. You know that saying, 'There is no such thing as stupid questions'? Yeah, throw that right out of the window. There are stupid questions. There are very stupid questions. There are questions that, when my kids ask them, I wonder if aliens came down, removed their brains and replaced them with jello mush.
Here's an example for you: The other day it was around 5:30 at night and I had placed sausage, rice and a
bag of frozen veggies on the kitchen counter. I pulled out pans, put them on the stove, and turned the burners on. I had just thrown butter into one of the pans, when The Ginger walked in... "Hey Mom, are you cooking dinner?"
I stopped what I was doing, and fought every urge to be sarcastic as hell. Then the sarcasm won...
"No, baby, I'm petting a llama. Do you want to pet the llama, too?" I asked as I motioned toward the pan with the butter in it.
The Ginger looked confused, so I helped him along a little. "Does it look like I'm cooking dinner, baby?"
"Yes..." The Ginger said, hesitantly.
"Then why would you ask if I was cooking dinner?"
"Just making sure, I guess."
"Well, from now on, baby, look at what's going on around you, think about the clues and information you can get just by watching me, then think about whether or not you need to ask a question like that, okay? In fact, asking 'What are we having for dinner' would have been a better question than 'Are you cooking dinner'. Understand?"
Yes, I understand that may have been deemed as harsh, but he's 7. That is by far old enough to have seen the pan, the food, and me cooking it, and figured out if I was cooking dinner or not. This question, while in my opinion, stupid as hell, was yet another way for my son to hear himself speak, or annoy the piss out of me without intending to annoy the piss out of me.
Out of the 87% of useless noise my kids make a day, I'd say it's broken down as follows:
- 16% Stupid questions
- 22% Finding one line of a song and singing that one line over and over and over again
- 9% Making unidentified noises with their mouths
- 7% Starting to say something, then mid-sentence stopping and saying, 'I forgot'
- 12% Taking 10 minutes to tell a story that should have taken a minute and a half, partly because of details that don't really apply to the story and partly because of 'Ums'
- 11% Bickering back and forth with nothing more than, 'Nuh uh, Did not' 'Did too' 'Did not' etc.
- 9% Starting with, 'Hey mom, can we...' and it's a question they know the answer is no
- 8% Asking for food when they just ate 3 minutes ago.
- 6% 'But Moooooommmmmmmm...'
|Courtesy of sodahead.com|
- 37% Saying things that make me laugh
- 9% Philosophical questions about life, like 'Why do miniature dogs cost more than full sized dogs?' (I often ask myself the same question) and 'Are Batman and Spiderman friends?' (To which the answer is no, they're in a separate comic universe.)
- 15% Conspiring against me, me and their dad, the cats, or each other
- 22% 'Can we go outside?' if they are inside, and 'Can we come inside?' if they are outside.
- 17% Asking for food when it actually is time to eat
When they are talking or making noises just to hear themselves, they are annoying kids. Plain and simple. And when they are at the ages where the majority of their noise-making time is pretty useless, I have no choice but to make them play outside so I can get some peace and quiet to read a book or watch a TV show. I would go absolutely crazy if I didn't. Some days I do. Hell, I banished them to opposite ends of the apartment within the first few days of being here just so I could get some peace and quiet.
So hate me all you want for exposing a secret that most moms don't like to admit- our kids are annoying, and the majority of what they say has us contemplating whether they were born with brains. But sometimes, just sometimes, they come up with some gems...
Like seriously, why are miniature versions of dogs more expensive than big versions? We saw a sign for mini dachsunds at $350 a pop, but a local ad has full sized dachsunds for $300. If it's smaller, it should be cheaper... that's just my opinion, though.