Sunday, July 8, 2012

'Are Batman and Spiderman Friends?' and More in the 13%

I'm here to let out a big motherhood secret today. Y'all can hate me for what I'm about to say, but when you really think about it, what I say is the truth.

87% of what comes out of my children's mouths is either irrelevant, pointless or designed to piss me off (even though that may not be their intention). The other 13% is comprised of telling me something legitimate, asking thought-provoking questions, or making me laugh. That's it, just 13%.

I'm so glad I could get that out, and admit what most moms won't admit.

My kids are 10 and 7, and are both at the ages of opening their mouths just to hear themselves speak. They don't go a moment all day long without speaking, singing, or making noises with their mouths. I never realized, until I started being around them 24/7, that they were this... outspoken vocal annoying (I'm not sugar coating shit in this post today, I'm laying it all out). I count down the minutes during the day until they go to sleep at night. Not because I hate my kids or anything, but just to have it silent in this small ass apartment.

Courtesy of
Please don't misunderstand me, I absolutely love my children. They were both blessed with intelligence, are both honor roll students, are talented in various areas, and I do enjoy their company... when they are applying their intelligence before opening their mouths or aren't feeding this need to constantly be making sounds.

I'll let y'all in on another motherhood secret. You know that saying, 'There is no such thing as stupid questions'? Yeah, throw that right out of the window. There are stupid questions. There are very stupid questions. There are questions that, when my kids ask them, I wonder if aliens came down, removed their brains and replaced them with jello mush.

Here's an example for you: The other day it was around 5:30 at night and I had placed sausage, rice and a
bag of frozen veggies on the kitchen counter. I pulled out pans, put them on the stove, and turned the burners on. I had just thrown butter into one of the pans, when The Ginger walked in... "Hey Mom, are you cooking dinner?"

I stopped what I was doing, and fought every urge to be sarcastic as hell. Then the sarcasm won...

"No, baby, I'm petting a llama. Do you want to pet the llama, too?" I asked as I motioned toward the pan with the butter in it.

The Ginger looked confused, so I helped him along a little. "Does it look like I'm cooking dinner, baby?"

"Yes..." The Ginger said, hesitantly.

"Then why would you ask if I was cooking dinner?"

"Just making sure, I guess."

"Well, from now on, baby, look at what's going on around you, think about the clues and information you can get just by watching me, then think about whether or not you need to ask a question like that, okay? In fact, asking 'What are we having for dinner' would have been a better question than 'Are you cooking dinner'. Understand?"

"Okay, Momma."

Yes, I understand that may have been deemed as harsh, but he's 7. That is by far old enough to have seen the pan, the food, and me cooking it, and figured out if I was cooking dinner or not. This question, while in my opinion, stupid as hell, was yet another way for my son to hear himself speak, or annoy the piss out of me without intending to annoy the piss out of me.

Out of the 87% of useless noise my kids make a day, I'd say it's broken down as follows:
  • 16% Stupid questions
  • 22% Finding one line of a song and singing that one line over and over and over again
  • 9% Making unidentified noises with their mouths
  • 7% Starting to say something, then mid-sentence stopping and saying, 'I forgot'
  • 12% Taking 10 minutes to tell a story that should have taken a minute and a half, partly because of details that don't really apply to the story and partly because of 'Ums'
  • 11% Bickering back and forth with nothing more than, 'Nuh uh, Did not' 'Did too' 'Did not' etc.
  • 9% Starting with, 'Hey mom, can we...' and it's a question they know the answer is no
  • 8% Asking for food when they just ate 3 minutes ago.
  • 6% 'But Moooooommmmmmmm...'
Courtesy of
Of the 13% of valid noise my kids make a day, I'd say it's broken down as follows:
  • 37% Saying things that make me laugh
  • 9% Philosophical questions about life, like 'Why do miniature dogs cost more than full sized dogs?' (I often ask myself the same question) and 'Are Batman and Spiderman friends?' (To which the answer is no, they're in a separate comic universe.)
  • 15% Conspiring against me, me and their dad, the cats, or each other
  • 22% 'Can we go outside?' if they are inside, and 'Can we come inside?' if they are outside.
  • 17% Asking for food when it actually is time to eat
I said it before, and I'll say it again... I love my kids, and do enjoy their company. Hell, they are the only company I have while Hubby is at work, so I best enjoy them, right? I do love how they make me laugh, and how they are at the age where I can have intelligent conversations with them (see the Batman/Spiderman example above). When they are engaging their brains, they are amazing kids.

When they are talking or making noises just to hear themselves, they are annoying kids. Plain and simple. And when they are at the ages where the majority of their noise-making time is pretty useless, I have no choice but to make them play outside so I can get some peace and quiet to read a book or watch a TV show. I would go absolutely crazy if I didn't. Some days I do. Hell, I banished them to opposite ends of the apartment within the first few days of being here just so I could get some peace and quiet.

So hate me all you want for exposing a secret that most moms don't like to admit- our kids are annoying, and the majority of what they say has us contemplating whether they were born with brains. But sometimes, just sometimes, they come up with some gems...

Like seriously, why are miniature versions of dogs more expensive than big versions? We saw a sign for mini dachsunds at $350 a pop, but a local ad has full sized dachsunds for $300. If it's smaller, it should be cheaper... that's just my opinion, though.

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  1. First- You know what's cool? When I type in www.t- your website is the first one that pops up. I'm officially a stalker.

    Now, on to the incessant noise that children make. Why? Why must my 14 year old ask me what is for dinner every single day, even though he knows that I never figure that out until I am standing in the kitchen thinking, "Oh shit. What am I going to cook for dinner?"

    And the 9 year old. He talks, sings, hums, etc, all. day. long. I *know* he'll grow out of it. The other two did. But oh my god, I'll probably go crazy before he does.

    In the meantime, you should try a little trick I use. Every once in a while, I tell my children to pretend they don't exist. If I can hear or see them, I know the exist. That's against the rules. If the break the rules, they get in trouble. It's very satisfying, even if they are going to need counseling.

    1. KRISTINA!!! I've missed you. =) Glad you are back!

      I am the same way with dinner, and I'm lucky enough to have my kids ask me that question after lunch every day... when dinner is like 4 hours away.

      I LOVE your game. I will definitely be playing that this week, lol.

    2. My husband got so tired of this question, he came up with an answer. We now have oatmeal and carrots on the menu every night. LOL

  2. Ahh! I am so glad to see another mom say this, sometimes I feel like such a bitch for not thinking it is so amazingly cute that my almost 3 year old asks "Whatcha doing Mama" 8 gazillion times a day. I can tell it is just so he can hear himself and I love him, and try to stay answer BUT it drives me bonkers. I can't wait till he is older and I can at least ask him annoying questions right back.

    1. Holy crap, I can't believe I never thought of that... asking stupid questions right back to them. AND, I can interrupt them while they are doing something, just like my kids do with me. Thank you SO MUCH for the idea. Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong here at my house now...