Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Top 6 Reasons for No Questions Asked, Immediate Divorce (He Said/ She Said Style)

I married 'til death do us part'. I understand that being separated for the last almost 4 years may have some people thinking differently, but we're back together now, so that's the part everyone needs to focus on, okay? And the two of us have decided that we are never going through what we did the last 4 years ever again, so it will have to come down to 'til death do us part' if either one of us wants out of this marriage.

At least, I thought that until last night.
Courtesy of Best Normal Rockwell Art

Hubby did something that got me thinking. There should be some things that, if done, are automatic grounds for divorce in any state, any court of law, and in record time. They are unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated just for the sake of marriage.

When I brought it to Hubby's attention, he decided he had his own list of things. So today Inklingers, is a special day. Today the post has been co-written by Hubby and I. You're getting some He Said/She Said ish here today, battle of the sexes, views from both standpoints. I'm even allowing rebuttals from the spouse after each reason for divorce; a way to redeem themselves or plead their case before the papers are drawn up.

So here it is, ladies first of course.

Top 3 Reasons for No Questions Asked, Immediate Divorce (Tatted Mom Style) (Hubby's rebuttal in italics.)

  1. Inserting Finger into My Mouth While I'm Yawning. This is what Hubby did last night that got me thinking. The first yawn he ruined, fine. Cute, funny, we laughed. Then he turned around and did it again, when the rebound yawn came around. Not cool, Hubby, not cool. Then, with 2 yawns now ruined, and the second rebound yawn coming, he did it a third time. He laughed, I thought about grabbing a knife. When the third rebound yawn started coming on, I threw a temper tantrum and told him to leave the room so I could effing yawn. He laughed. I painfully yawned because I wasn't sure if he was going to figure out a way to stick his finger in my mouth and ruin that one. Grounds for divorce, immediately. In my defense, she's always yawning, and that shit's funny.
  2. Dutch Ovens. Please tell me I don't have to explain these to you all... Okay, fine, I will. We're laying in bed, under the sheets, Hubby farts and pulls the sheets over my head and holds them there so I have no choice but to smell the vile, rank, disgusting pollution. This has to be a form of rape, seriously.  In my defense... I don't really have one, but that shit's funny.
  3. Knocking on the Door While I'm in the Bathroom and Asking, 'Are You Pooping In There?' Ask me if I'm okay if it's been a while. Ask me if I'm faking diarrhea and hiding out from the kids (has happened more than once). But under no circumstances ask me if I'm going #2. I won't answer you, either way. That's gross. In my defense, I didn't realize this bothered her. But now that I do, I'm going to make a point to do it more often, because that shit's funny.

Top 3 Reasons for No Questions Asked, Immediate Divorce (Hubby Style) (Tatted Mom's rebuttal in italics)
  1. Toe Disfigurement. Seriously, that's gross. She'd expect a foot rub with a socket where little piggy use to be...NASTY!!  And you know our feet would touch while we were spooning or making whoopy. How would she feel if I just vomited on her while getting it on? As soon as the doctors failed at attaching the severed digit, we might as well end our bond of marriage...nothing good ever came out of only nine toes. Seriously? I just broke my toe like 2 days ago and now it's come up as a topic for divorce? Sure, it's purple, and swollen, and I'm constantly sticking it in your face going, 'Doesn't that look gross', but divorce me for it? If my pinky toe falls off, you'll rub the stub, and you'll like it.
  2. Gaining 400 Pounds. I can understand a couple of pounds, but if she starts to look like a bear, it's done. I didn't mind weight gain while she was pregnant with my kids because she was growing our children inside of her and her boobs got bigger, but the moment TLC is calling us to do a special because we had to cut a wall to get her out of the house, consider the divorce final. Understandable, and same to you. If you have gotten so big you can't see your **** anymore, then how or why would you expect me to find it?
  3. Farting. Women don't fart, period. If they do, it's an instant turn off. Unless it's in their sleep... then it's cute. Good thing I don't fart.
I'm sure as we get to know each other once again, y'all will be seeing plenty of these He Said/She Said posts.

Unless 'til death do us part' comes a little quicker than we thought.

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  1. I'm with you knocking on the door inquiring about crapping....we girls have a right to some PRIVACY. I mean, we don't blurt out, "are you Jack*** OFF in there, do we? Or, I don't at least. Just sayin.... = P


    1. I read your reply to Hubby, and he said, 'That's so NOT the same thing.' LMAO! Now he knocks on the door more often when I'm in there, so when he goes in there, I knock on the door with, 'Hey, are you jack... off in there?' Thanks for the idea!! =)

    2. LOL...just read this...for some reason your responses are coming back...probably cuz I am a computer dork and am totally self teaching myself along the way and haven't figured something out yet.

      Anyways, glad he's a little more thoughtful to our poop privacy now. Hahaha