Sunday, June 17, 2012

Tatted Mom's Guide to Normal Kids

Someone please help me with my online mom's group addiction.

No, wait, don't help me. I'm getting great ideas for posts because of these women.

I'm even at a loss of an intro today, I've been banging my head against the wall so much because of the questions I see asked by other moms. So, we're just going to jump right into it.

Here's the first 10 pointers of Tatted Mom's Guide to Normal Kids. Print it out, carry it with you if you are one of those that is in a constant state of worry about whether your kids are normal.
Tatted Mom's Guide to Normal Kids

Normal: Your kid, at whatever age, likes tattoos. They like to cover themselves in fake tattoos, draw on themselves, look at strangers' tattoos, at your own tattoos, it's all normal. Kids like pretty pictures, and if they can have pretty pictures on their bodies, they'll do it.
Not Normal: Your kid, who likes tattoos, is going around licking strangers' tattoos. I'd stop them from doing that, especially if it's a new tattoo. If a kid under the age of 14 is drawing penises on their arms, then that borders on abnormal. Over 14, completely normal.

Normal: Your 6 week old doesn't sleep through the night.
Not Normal: Your 6 week old is sitting on the couch next to you at midnight, commenting on Jay Leno's choice of guests for the evening.

Normal: Your little boy (or girl) goes through a phase where they only want to eat cereal for meals.
Not Normal: Your little boy (or girl) goes through a phase where they only want to drink white russians for meals.

Normal: Your kids run off with things in the house, and then forget where they left them.

Not Normal: Your kids have a card catalog, in alphabetical order, with every item in the house numbered and logged, that they update when someone takes something from one place in the house to another.

Normal: Your kids play with bugs outside. Hell, it's normal if your kids try and use the sun and a magnifying glass to burn bugs outside.
Not Normal: Your kids have named the bugs after members of their family, and while your kids are using the sun and a magnifying glass to burn bugs, they are saying, 'Die, Mom, Die!' or 'Die, Sis, Die!'

Normal: Your kid lies.
Not Normal: Your kid's nose grows when they lie.

Normal: Your kids make messes.
Not Normal: Your kid dons white gloves every morning when they get dressed, prefers his or her room to be covered in plastic so it's easy to keep clean, and puts everything back in it's place the second they are done using it, even if they just have to get up and go to the bathroom.

Normal: Your kid pushes their limits. They touch things you tell them not to touch, they say things you tell them not to say, they do things they aren't supposed to do. They are kids, and they are learning for themselves.
Not Normal: Your kid never experiments with their surroundings. If your kid always listens to every word you say, they are either on some hella good drugs, or they are doing it behind your back.

Normal: Your kid is easily bored. It's summer, school is out, and they are a kid. Please don't automatically assume because your child is bored that they have ADHD, or even wonder if it's normal for a child to be bored.
Not Normal: Your kid is never bored because they spend their day torturing small animals and drawing schematics for pipe bombs. I'd seek help, immediately.

Normal: Your kids fight each other.
Not Normal: Your kids are working together to take down adults, 'Children of the Corn' style.

There are 10 ways to know whether or not your kids are normal. Please, feel free to add your own below, or ask me a question about something your kid does, to see if they are normal or not.

Personally, I don't see what all the jazz is about being normal. I embrace abnormality. But, if it's really a concern of yours, you've come to the right place. Hahaha. That's a good one. This site, and me, are far from normal. Seriously.

I'm sure this post will be a regular thing over here at The Inklings of Life. As long as people are asking lame questions, I will be here to laugh, take notes, and use it as a blog post.

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  1. What do you have against white gloves? 'cause I'm a big fan! (g)
    Congrats on Top 25! You deserve it! You're always my first laugh of the day! (AND you say the things I'm thinking, but my son would freak-out if I said in public!)

  2. Love it.

    I remember the horrified look I gave a fellow Sparks leader when she made the comment that the five year olds we were playing a game with were fidgeting so much that she suspected ADD.

    I was, "How about they're FIVE!?"

  3. is normal? I'm with ya on this post. = )