Tuesday, May 15, 2012

10 Types of Idiot Drivers

My drive to work in the morning, though short, is always an adventure for me. It absolutely amazes me how many idiots there are on the road. Seriously, how do these people get licenses? Find them in Cracker Jacks boxes? Good grief.

I think retesting for a driver's license should be done at least every 5 years. And I don't mean simply renewing your license, I mean retaking the written exam and possibly the driving exam.

I will probably shoot myself in the future for saying that, but really, it's gotten ridiculous.

Texting while driving has been outlawed in most places across the US, which yes, is a great thing. Does that mean everyone has completely stopped texting while driving? Hell no, it just means now we hold our phones in our laps while we reply to a text instead of holding it up for the world to see. Many cities and towns have even gone to the extent of outlawing cell phone usage while driving completely, unless you have a hands free device. Honestly I agree with that law as well. I have a pretentious Bluetooth, and I use it. I can't stand having a phone up to my ear period, especially when I'm driving.

I've been taking notes recently (while driving, of course... it's cool to have a notebook and pen in the passenger seat, writing while I'm driving to work, right?) at the different kinds of dumbass drivers there are on the road, and I think I've come up with a pretty comprehensive list.

The ironic thing? I'm one of these idiot drivers, and I can almost guarantee every one of you all reading this post today falls into at least one of these categories. Thus is life, and it doesn't mean I'm not going to make fun of bring to light these people. Hell, if you can't make fun of yourself, then you shouldn't make fun of other people (and I wouldn't have a blog if I couldn't make fun of other people).

10 Types of Idiot Drivers
  1. The New Driver. Unless they are still learning and marked by a driving school car, these drivers can be identified by their use of a turn signal at every turn and when switching lanes, their ability to drive exactly the speed limit, their hands on 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, and, if by chance you were to honk your horn at them, you'd see that they jump a mile in their seats (not that I've ever done that for my own amusement... never). These aren't necessarily idiot drivers, but do they piss us seasoned veterans off? Hell yeah they do.
  2. The Old Driver. Granny is sitting on a phone book, with blocks taped to the gas and brake pedals, is looking through the tiny slit between the dashboard and the top of the steering wheel, and all you can see as you approach her is a beehive hairdo above the seat's headrest. Her inability to even go the speed limit and how she swerves all over the place lead you to believe she was declared legally blind about 20 years ago. And, the best part of The Old Driver? Their car is a tank, made back when cars were still made out of steel, so if Granny ends up swerving into your car, you're screwed, but not a single blue hair on her head will be out of place.
  3. The Cool Kid. Driving at least 10 miles over the speed limit, weaving in and out of traffic, chunking cigarette butts out of the window, and 9 times out of 10, their car is obnoxiously loud in the engine, muffler or music department. These idiots piss me off because they get up right on my ass and ride it like we're a couple, until they can pass. I hate these drivers so much, because I'd rather be in front of any accident they cause, not behind it or in it.
  4. The Makeup Artist. This is the woman (or man, hell, this is an open minded society now) who is running late to wherever, so she brings along her powder, mascara or lipstick to apply while on the way. Sweetheart, if your eyes are focused on not stabbing yourself with the mascara wand, then they aren't focused on the road. It'd be better off for you to speed to work and sit in the parking lot for an extra minute and finish. Seriously. And if you run into me because you aren't paying attention, then I will personally shove that mascara wand up your... yeah. Try sitting down with that lodged up there.
  5. The Eater. Busy life, always on the go, so take a step out of your routine and grab a bite to eat while driving, right? The idiot drivers in this category aren't necessarily the ones who are snacking while driving so much as the ones who are eating 2 burgers, fries, and an apple pie while driving. For some reason taking a bite of that burger, with the wrapper sticking up, has about a 93% rate of swerving. They don't think to put the wrapper down before they take a bite, no, they go to shovel the food in, are momentarily blinded by the greasy covering, and swerve right in my direction. While you are taking a huge bite of that burger, you want to bite my ass, too? Sheesh.
  6. The Life on the Roader. These people can be spotted by the amount of crap they have in their car. Their dashboard is covered in papers, they have clothes (usually suits or dress shirts) hanging in the back seat, their passenger seat has a laptop set up in it, and while yes, they have a headset in their ear, they are talking 90 miles an hour about their next sale, or to a potential client, or back to their secretary at the office about not emailing that important memo. These people scare the crap out of me because they think that since their life is the road, that they can do more things while driving than a normal person can.
  7. The Drunk. Scary period, and not too many details are needed for this one. If I see someone that is doing the drunk swerve (and it's different from any other swerve out there), I generally call the cops. Seriously, I'm that person. Call a freaking cab, or a sober friend. You obviously don't care enough about your own life to get behind the wheel drunk, but please have some courtesy for the other people on the road, and for the kids in all of those cars on the road.
  8. The Lost One. Oh, crap, was that my exit? Let me slam on the brakes, swerve across 2 lanes to start to take the exit at the last minute, then realize that's not my exit, and swerve off of the exit ramp and back into traffic. Good gracious, seriously? Do what every other person who misses their exit does: Keep driving, cuss at the top of your lungs, take the next exit, and figure out where you are and where you need to be. Handling it the way you have so far just pisses off every car behind you, then we all inevitably speed up to pass you because we know where we're going and don't want to hit you when you slam on brakes at the next exit.
  9. The Road Rager. These people are classic for laying on the horn behind you if you are going the speed limit or just slightly above, like that's going to make you speed up. If you are a bitch, like me, you slow down and ride directly with the car beside you, so the ass behind you can't pass. Then, watch their expression in your rear view. They'll be flipping you off, cussing, turning bright red. Then, when they go to pass you, speed up. You inevitably get screamed at, flipped off, and they say nasty things about your mother. It amuses me. Unless, of course, I'm the one with road rage that day. I don't lay on my horn, but if I'm in the right mood, and you are any of the other 9 idiot drivers listed here, I will cuss and scream and hit the steering wheel or the dashboard (like that does anything), and yes, you may get the finger when I pass you. Sometimes these people scare me, and I won't screw with them, because you never know nowadays who has a gun in the glove compartment and will try and blow your head off when they pass you. So, I pick and choose which Road Ragers I screw with.
  10. The Mom Driver. Digging through her purse to find a pen, concentrating on the rear view mirror, which is not aimed at the back window but at the back seat so she can see which kid is pinching the other and who is hitting who, threatening to "Stop this car right now and put you out on the side of the road", figuring out what that smell is, where in the hell did she put the snacks for the kids on the ride, trying to consume her coffee, and adding things to the grocery list as she's remembering them, amongst many other things, is The Mom Driver. Guilty. I've tried over the years to perfect any trips with the kids. Bluetooth in my ear before we go, phone in the center console so I can see it, snacks given to the kids while we are sill parked at the house, pens in the cup holder up front, and I try and figure out what music we want to listen to as a family, before I even turn on the car. So far, my success rate has been pretty good. If the kids start fighting, they get a "Do you want me to wreck this car and kill us all?" rant from the front seat, which (usually) works. We mom drivers should be some of the worst, but because of our precious cargo, we seem to be able to pull it off quite safely. I wouldn't call us 'idiot drivers', per se, but I'm just saying that because I am one. I'm sure single people see us Mom Drivers and shake their heads and say something about how unsafe it is for us to be smacking our kid's leg in the back seat for making his sister cry, while we're driving. Oh well. It has to be done right now. I won't remember to punish them later.

So, there's my list of the 10 Types of Idiot Drivers. If there are some I'm forgetting, by all means, please add them in a comment below!

*Pictures in this post are courtesy of Icanhascheezburger.com

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  1. 1. "these drivers can be identified by their use of a turn signal at every turn and when switching lanes, their ability to drive exactly the speed limit," My biggest pet peeve is people not using their turn signal. Yes, I have been driving for 20 years (OH MY GOD, I'm OLD!) and I still use my turn signal every. single. time. I switch lanes! Oh, but I drive the exact speed limit only because I can't afford a ticket. I have a lead foot, so the exact speed limit is my only option. LOL

    2. I desperately want one of those old cars that can double as a tank. Not only will I be able to run idiots off the road, I'll also be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I'm thinking I could surely mount a machine gun on the top.

    3. What the hell? Why do they have to ruin my day because they're such idiots. See, this is why I want a tank car. I can slam on my brakes when they're riding my ass and there won't be any damage.

    4. Why are they wearing makeup anyway? Everybody knows they're crazy anyway. No amount of makeup is going to hide that. Just look at the Joker if you think I'm wrong.

    5. I will neither confirm nor deny being one of these people.

    7. I'm a caller, too. I am of the mindset that you shouldn't get in the driver's seat if there is even any question your senses might be compromised, and this includes because of fatigue. We just had a bunch of guys from my husband's unit get in a horrible, one vehicle accident last week. I assumed it was because of alcohol. They're all a bunch of drunks. But, apparently the driver was in from out of town, and doesn't drink, so he volunteered to drive. Only problem was that he had driven almost all the night before, fell asleep and drove straight into a light pole. They were lucky to be driving a big ass truck that kept the light pole from crushing them, but it dented the top and was arcing electricity when the guy who was following them started pulling them out of the truck.

    8. My father-in-law does this. He also turns around in the middle of the f*cking road, while saying "I'm a tourist." Because that will keep my kids from being killed. My kids are no longer allowed to ride with him.

    9. I am so that bitch. Don't be such an idiot, and I'll be really nice and let you go past.

    10. Yeah, we skip the "pull this car over" rant and go straight for the "wreck this car and kill us" rant in our house.

    I think you covered them pretty well. Good job. Now if we could only get the news out to the world!

    1. LMAO! I always love your replies.

      I never thought of the tank cars doubling as zombie apocalypse cars. Must get one now!

  2. Hhaa....Oh shit, I think I fit everyone of these categories at some point in the last few years except the new driver. You are so right, lets make fun of ourselves a bit. You always have a way of making me laugh. Thanks for the funny post.


  3. Um, yeah, I'm totally the road rager. No surprise there I guess.... :)

  4. Firstly, per se! Not per say! lol

    Secondly, I am one of those poor miserable creatures that don't fall into any of those 10 categories. Yes, you guessed it. I am a pedestrian. One of those who has suffered at the ignorance of idiot drivers. Yes, I know there are idiot pedestrians too but I am not one of them. I use my eyes and ears (and sometimes my finger ;-) also) when I am out and about. The trouble is, I have to do all the thinking for you car drivers as well.