Tuesday, April 24, 2012

'Brutally Honest Real Mom' or BS?

I've come to realize that I think I'm alone in this mom world.

This isn't a pity party post, don't worry. It's pretty eye opening.

I bought this book recently; I've been waiting for this book to come out since I first heard it had been written, because it was written by a real-life-humor mom blogger, like me. I've been a big fan of hers since I started blogging, and to find out she wrote a book... holy crap, awesomesauce! So, I bought it last week. (If you've been with me for a while, you know that I don't usually name people or books when I do posts like this, because I don't want to drive traffic to my site that was intended for someone else... plus, I prefer to be honest, anonymously.)

Excuse me while I scream about these
other moms...
courtesy of parentsconnect.com
Yes, the book is funny as hell. Yes, the book is very honest about motherhood, and how it isn't all rainbows and unicorns like most mom books tell you. Yes, the book is a great addition to my bookshelf, and something I may read again when I have those horrible mom days.

But, yes, the book opened my eyes in a way I never thought possible, and made me feel completely alone.

Am I the only mom anymore who gives a shit? Seriously.

This book was full of her knowledge of being a mom, and it's not that content that was eye opening for me. It was the blurbs here and there that were anonymous confessions of other moms. I know now why they are anonymous. There were confessions about how some moms absolutely resent their kids for the stretch marks and saggy boobs, and how all babies, even their own, are uglier than sin, and how many of them don't even feel like putting on clothes that aren't covered in kid vomit and piss to go to the grocery store, and how, 'because they are a mom now' this should be acceptable.

What the hell happened to taking pride in things as a mom? Has that completely gone out of the window nowadays in favor of this "brutally honest real mom" bullshit?

Yes, I called it bullshit, which sucks, because I have prided myself on how my blog is a brutally honest real mom blog. I'm wondering if I have to change everything now because a few moms who don't give a shit have gotten together and said, "Hey, it's okay to not give a shit, because that's being a 'real mom' We will not strive to be our best now that we're 'just moms' so, please, join us in this movement of not giving a shit, either."

Holy crap this pisses me off. I started to wonder if I was the only mom out there who actually tries anymore, and when I fall short, yes, share it with my readers because that's my definition of being a 'real mom' with a 'brutally honest real mom' blog. I never went to the grocery store covered in kid vomit or piss when my children were young. Why? Because I didn't want the real world to see me like that. I took 3 effing seconds to find a clean shirt and throw it on (even if it was my husband's shirt). Is it because I wanted to hide the fact that motherhood isn't glamorous to society? Nope, I just didn't want to go out of the house in a shirt covered in kid vomit and piss. Damn. Any mother who has had children knows that motherhood isn't glamorous.

Do I resent my kids for the body I was left in after they were born? Hell no. I chose to have children, and I understood the consequences. Do I love my body now that I'm a mother? Most days, no. But I don't resent my children for it, or for the fact that I no longer can go out and do whatever I want (another mom confession in the book). You had a child. At least 18 years of having someone else completely reliant on you. If you didn't want to have to deal with stretch marks and a limited partying schedule, then you shouldn't have had kids. Seriously.

Does anyone else see the difference between, 'It sucks that I can't go out as much, now that I'm a mom,' and, 'I resent my kids because I can't go out as much, now that I'm a mom'? And, does anyone else have as much of a problem with the second statement as I do?

I am in no way, shape or form saying that I'm a perfect mom, or I am better than any other mom on this earth (except moms who drop their newborns in dumpsters- I'm better than them, definitely). But does the fact that I want to be a perfect mom have me in a minority of mothers nowadays? Am I the odd man out in society today because I don't want to go to the grocery store covered in kid vomit, or I want to make a nutritious meal at night that all of the kids will eat without bitching about, or I want to clean the house, or I want to interact with my kids on a regular basis and be an integral part of their future instead of hiding away from them at any given moment? Or because... gasp... I enjoy my kids' company??

Don't get me wrong. I've done my fair share of faking diarrhea so I can have 20 minutes to myself in the bathroom to sit on a closed toilet and play video games on my phone (don't forget to flush, twice, so they really think your stomach is upset, and come out of the bathroom with your hand on your stomach). I was the mom that put a fallen pacifier in my mouth to 'clean it' before giving it back to my kid. I tried my kids' baby food and, if I started making the same disgusting face that they had been and spit it out, we didn't have mashed up peas, carrots and turkey anymore. I taught my kids the lyrics to 'If you're sliding into first and you feel something burst...'.
courtesy of zazzle.com

But, I'm also the mom that grounds her daughter when she brings home a D, that sends my child to bed without finishing his dinner if he doesn't want to eat what has been put in front of him (I refuse to be a short order cook; if my kids won't eat the meal, I'm not making them chicken nuggets and mac and cheese just so they eat- they'll learn to eat what they are given), that showers daily, that puts on makeup even if I'm just heading to the grocery store (it's just powder and mascara instead of the whole 9 yards of makeup, but it's still makeup), that takes my kids for walks in the evenings after dinner if the weather is nice, that monitors what they watch on TV, that feels bad if the house isn't straight at the end of the day.

I'm really trying not to judge this new revolution of moms coming around, I really am, but to be honest, it's hard not to. I just want to shake them and say, 'Hey, you are a mother now- have pride in that. Try your best, and if you fail, just pick yourself up and try again, but don't wallow in the failure. Don't decide to quit pushing yourself because everyone else around you is doing the same. If you go this route that's gaining acceptance nowadays, I promise you, you'll wake up 15 years from now and wonder why the hell you didn't give more of a shit when it came to being a mother.'

I do wonder if I'm alone, if there are other moms out there who read these books or these other blogs and think, 'Holy crap, there's something wrong with that.' I wonder if I'm the only mom pissed off by this new movement. I wonder if I'm alone in wanting to be the best mom that I can be and not wanting to give up when the going gets tough. So, if you'd like, please share your opinions, even if you think that I am the only one that feels this way anymore.

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  1. I'm not a fan of anything brutally honest, I see it as a way to hurt people under the guise of being helpful. Honesty? Yes. Brutal? No.

    I've had my pee/puke stained days where I just never noticed and ventured out. Ack...did I cringe when I realized it! I've been there with babies, I know...but I always, ALWAYS, felt better when I made some effort to put myself together (it didn't always happen). You are not alone, I swear...I'm there with ya, mostly. I have to say that after gaining a bunch of weight after my thyroid surgery I am less likely to put in the effort...which sucks, because this is when I need it most - to feel more put together and good about myself. It is a bit of depression, I think...something I need to work on. Anyway - nice post, thanks.

    1. Thanks for commenting! I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. And, yes, I remember heading out as a new mom a few times with stains on my shirt that I didn't know were there, and when I realized it, I was so embarrassed.

  2. I think people put forth as much effort as they can muster at the time. I don't ever recall walking out of the house in puke or pee clothing. Now there were times I was out and got puked on, and well I never carried a change of clothing for myself, so I stayed in spit-up shirts. As a young mom, I always felt I had to be put together or at least look presentable. I always felt people judged me on how I looked and that was the measure of success as a mom. As I got older and wiser in my parenting I put myself together for ME. I agree that people should take pride in their jobs as moms and do it well. But the measure of being a good parent isn't in how you look, it's how you raise your children.
    Now the bit about being resentful about losing partying time or disfiguring their bodies.... I say they need to get over themselves. Children aren't something that happens to you, like pneumonia or herpes. "Oooh I caught a case of Children!" Children are a gift and women should be grateful, not resentful to have been given that gift. However like everything else, they won't appreciate it until the children are long gone from the home.

    1. I love your reply!

      What's funny (or ironic- either way, I giggled) is I posted this article at a woman's writing site today, and they tweeted it for me. 2 hours after I posted it, another woman posted on the same site an article entitled something about how she resents her kids for the changes she's had to make in her life since she's become a mom, and the site tweeted her article, too. I wanted to post a link to my site and move on, but I didn't, lol.

      And, like you, I always seemed to get puked on out in public... I learned how to make burp rags fashionable accessories, lol.

      Thanks again for your comment. It was awesome!

  3. There has to be a middle ground. I know I can't be a perfect mom so I don't even try. My house is not clean very often, but when it is, we all do it and usually to loud music while dancing like fools. We eat healthy dinners on most nights but not every night. I always wear clean clothes that I usually iron and the same goes for my kids. I don't often go to the store without makeup, but once in awhile it happens (and thats always when I see people I know).
    When I had babies (all three were pukers), I did carry an extra shirt for myself and an extra pajamas for the baby. I couldn't walk around with baby vomit on either of us. That being said, two weeks ago, my three year old pissed all over me when he fell asleep at a movie. We were 45 minutes from home and I didnt' not go home to change. We hung out in the fresh air and sun and dried out and continued with our evening. Shit happens.
    I do not resent my children at all for anything. They are my greatest accomplishments. They are beautiful and smart and funny and I would rather be home with them every night than be out at a bar or out with friends. I'm a weekend bartender, so to have a weekend with my kids would be amazing.
    My kids are not going to remember that their clothes weren't always folded and put away, or that there were usually dirty dishes in the sink. They will remember playing along to Jeaopardy and doing silly dances when someone gets the right answer, they will remember having tickle fights on the floor or in our bed, they will remember snuggling on the sofa and playing tag in the yard. They won't remember that the car was only washed once every three months, they will remember the games we play while going through the car wash.
    Dude, I fkn dig my kids. They didn't make my body look like it does now. The pints of ice cream I ate while pregnant each time is what made my ass this huge and my stomach sag.
    I'm not perfect, I don't try to be but my kids are happy and so are my husband and I. Thats what counts.

    1. I have come to realize that my definition of a perfect mom is- kids happy, mom happy, family happy, no one got hurt that day, everyone was fed, and there are I Love Yous exchanged. That's a perfect mom, lol.

      I absolutely love your reply, especially about how kids aren't going to remember how clean a house was, they'll remember the interaction with their parents. Amazing philosophy right there!

      Thanks so much for commmenting! =)

  4. Wow my children are older 20,19,16.. But I always cared how I looked I never resented my children for anything NEVER and I had them very young.. I was far from perfect But that's just fucked up.Being a mother doe not mean being a slob and stop taking care of your self!!! A clean home was is still important to me and it taught my children to respect there things and there home, I think. My home was not always spotless But We had fun. And I love those memories when they were younger We still had fun but there was order we were a team I was a single parent. But I always took care of myself Because for me when I look good feel goodI am better happier healthier!! And so are my kids!!

    1. Yes, yes and YES! If mom is happy, the kids will be happy. Easy philosophy right there, I love it!

      Thanks for commenting!