Thursday, March 1, 2012

Our Tooth Fairy is Flaky

This is probably my kids'
Tooth Fairy.
I can't say that my mouth has never had problems before. It's gotten me in a s*itstorm of trouble in my past, which of course, is metaphorically speaking. Physically speaking, yes, problems galore. Braces, head gear, retainers, wisdom teeth cut out, and now, after all of that, my teeth moved and I am in need of braces once again, if I were to choose so.

But, holy crap, my kids? Yeah, they are driving me crazy with their mouth problems (and not just the ones from the opinionated 9 year old or the 7 year old who thinks it's funny to say, 'Yeah, the cat's sitting on the toilet. Don't bother him, he's taking a dump right now'- yes, uttered this very morning.)

My son is having oral surgery next week (and I'm doing a post specifically about that later), and my daughter had to have 2 teeth pulled and a cavity filled yesterday.

The Tooth Fairy is going broke here.

Pulled teeth are, of course, more expensive than regular old lost teeth, and having 2 teeth pulled on the same day? Yeah, double the money.

Yes, we still do the Tooth Fairy in my house. The Girl is starting to get suspicious, so she does things like hides her teeth really well under her pillow, or doesn't tell me when she loses one. The Ginger is still a believer, so thank goodness he argues with his sister about the subject.

But, the kids have come to learn a few things about the Tooth Fairy that visits our house:
  • She's not always on time. In fact, she's been known to be 2 days late in payment of a lost tooth. This is due to the fact that in the (insert current season here), tooth loss goes up 50% because it's (cold outside/ hot outside/ the time of the year to eat sweet stuff due to [insert holiday here]), so she has more stops to make. 
  • She's messy. Sometimes the money is on the floor, or at the foot of the bed. The kids will wake up, check under their pillow, then come running to me all upset that the Tooth Fairy forgot them again, so of course I get up and help them look- Hey! Look what Mommy found over here under the big gorilla stuffed animal, behind the pillows and hanging off the bed a little. It's $2!! She must have been in a hurry...
  • Her tooth quota is full sometimes, which means she doesn't always take the tooth. This, coincidentally enough, usually falls on the days she's in such a hurry that she just throws the money at the kids. 
  • Sorry, kids, that tooth
    is only worth $1 today
    instead of $2.
  • She is sometimes affected by inflated travelling costs, which means sometimes the kids will get $2 for a tooth, and sometimes a $1. If it's the busy time of season for her, then she only pays out a $1 because of supply and demand, but if it's the off season, she'll pay out $2. The kids keep in mind, though, that it costs a lot for fairy dust, and new pouches to hold the teeth, and new wands, and the breaking and entering charges she sometimes gets.
  • She usually doesn't pay out on the days a tooth is lost with no warning. If, for instance, the kids didn't tell me that they had a loose tooth, and they just wiggle it out in secret, then come hauling ass to me with, 'Mommy, I lost a tooth!' right before bed, then chances are, the Tooth Fairy won't pay for that tooth that night. This is because that tooth was not supposed to be taken out until it's scheduled day of 3 days from now, and since they pulled it out early, there's a chance the Tooth Fairy won't be able to fit them into that night's schedule with the kids whose teeth came out when they were supposed to.
What can I say? The Tooth Fairy that visits our house can be a bit flaky sometimes. Give her a break, though, she works 10 hours a day, cleans her fairy hut, goes grocery shopping before she goes to work, is fueled on coffee for most of the day, and is trying to make big life decisions that will affect her and her fairy family for the rest of their lives. At least she's consistent in being flaky. The kids can count on it, now.

So, sad, I know.

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