Monday, March 26, 2012

I Lost Myself Again, Damnit

This always seems to happen. Just when I think I've found myself, really living how I want to live, being who I know I am, I go and lose myself, again, damnit.

It's getting quite frustrating. I need one of those keychain alert systems where you shout out the secret word and it beeps so you can find your keys... one of those, attached to my soul. (I'm thinking multi-million dollar invention right there- Soul Tracker)

Since December, I really feel like my life has been on track. My husband and I rekindled our marriage after almost 4 years of being separated, I found an amazing shop to work at and got back into tattooing, I started reading again, I picked up the pace with writing for Inklings, I was keeping the house straight, the kids fed with amazing meals, was baking, getting out and doing fun things with the kids on my days off, started doing yoga again, and quit smoking. Sure, Hubby and I had no idea who was moving where so we can get our family back together (a huge life decision left to be made), but we didn't worry too much because we knew we were finally together.

Then, as it's proven to be true in the past, something comes along to knock you down a peg or two. In my case, 3 peg knockers came along, all within 2 weeks of each other.
  1. My Car. $900 for a full brake overhaul, flushes, oil change, etc. What does that get me? A busted transmission. Well, it was busted before, but doing a transmission flush just confirmed it was busted. So, I have now been without The Bus (yes, I drive a bright yellow SUV, so it looks like a mini school bus, which means yes, my family rides around in the short bus- makes sense now, huh?) for going on 2 weeks now while one mechanic here in town thought he could have his way (with no lube, by the way), with a pretty little girl whose hubby is 2000 miles away, at a cost of $3500 to fix my transmission. I did my research online, pricing parts and stuff, and found out he was trying to charge me $120 an hour for labor. When I brought this to his attention, he became speechless. I may not have been laid in a while, but sorry, you can zip your pants up- I'm not getting screwed today, especially by you. I had my car towed to another mechanic, who is doing the job for $1000. Fingers crossed I'll have it back in a few days. I miss my short bus. 

  2. My Certs. Bloodborne pathogens and infection control training? Check. First aid and CPR training? Check. Letter stating I completed an apprenticeship and am a tattoo artist? Check. State license to tattoo? What? This state has a license? I apprenticed and tattooed for years in South Carolina- no license required. Here, they require a license. So, the owner of the shop gave us one month to get our licenses. The problem with that is, you have to take a test, and they only give the test once a month, and you have to get your application for the test in the month before you take the test. So, I began to panic that, per owner's written notice to his employees, I would no longer have a job as of April 1st. Great. No job, no way to pay my bills, feed my kids, save money to move so my family can be together... Shit. Everyone in the shop was freaking out, including the owner, until he talked to the licensing board, and as long as your application is in, and your social security number is in the system as pending for a testing date, you are fine. Paperwork and application overnighted, with tracking number, to licensing board? Check. Now I just have to sit and wait for a testing date... and wonder what the hell is on a tattooing license test. Will I have to draw a straight line for them? Sketch one of the board members? Show them how I put gloves on? And, will my trick of wearing a low cut shirt to get better tips at the shop work for a tattooing license test? Hey, I'm a woman. I use it to my advantage.

  3. My Ex. First there was the facebook friend request from him in February. Deny, motherfu... you get my drift. No, we won't be friends on facebook or any other place for that matter. Then, last week, someone started a facebook page about how he's a lying, cheating, manwhore. Funniest shit I've seen in a long time. Somehow, they figured out I was one of his exes and sent the page to me. Of course I forwarded it onto my friends (they all know how much of a bastard he is- I moved 400 miles away because of him- my SC friends hate him), so we could all laugh our asses off. All of these women came forward on the site and gave their stories, including his current girlfriend who had some words that made my blood boil (I was the last one to actually live with this sick guy, but apparently he's been through quite a few women in the last 6 months since I left). Still funny shit, I felt really sorry for this new girl, but hell, we all went through it, and I'm a better, stronger person for having gotten through that now. She'll see. Then, the email came. When I finally stopped doing my research about my ex and decided to put him into my past, I had found 5 girls that he had cheated on me with. Yeah, you read that right, 5 girls. Because of this page, a 6th one came forward, emailed me personally, and apologized for her role in our breakup. The thing is, the circumstances of this 6th girl are... earth shattering. So, I had a mini breakdown. I called my husband (we are best friends), and he didn't take my breakdown the right way at first- he took it as me still having feelings for this bastard. No, honey, I don't still have feelings for a lying bastard asshole manwhore who cheated me with 5, oh sorry, 6 girls (that I know of) but this girl that came forward, this page, drudged up some shit that just slapped me in the face all over again, and started seriously making me worry about his daughter. I calmed down, Hubby calmed down, and he realized in the grand scheme of things, it's understandable for me to be going through this; it has only been 6 months since I put that shithead in my past, and the details surrounding this 6th girl are enough to make anyone go crazy. So, this time around, I've decided to process everything and then put it into my past, instead of just putting it all into a box, wrapping it up really pretty with a bow and then shoving it down into the dark recesses of my soul to never been seen again (we see how well that worked out for me last time). And, just a mental note for you all- It's all fun and games, until you get an email from another girl your ex cheated on you with; then it's time for vodka, a killing spree, some quiet time.
So, needless to say, the last 2 weeks of my life have been hell- especially this last weekend. My brain has been so full that I can't even start to clear it to begin meditating to fully clear it. (Yes, I meditate.) I'm back to being in a slump, wanting to stay in bed all day, not wanting to work, and this is not me. I'm optimistic, energetic, always smiling, always saying the craziest things to make people around me laugh. 

I've relaxed some with my paperwork for work being in, and I know things will get better once I get my bus back. This ex thing? I'm doing better with it, processing it and putting it away in a healthy manner. And, knowing that Karma is working her magic makes me rest, too. She's a bigger bitch than me, and I love her for that! I've done what I can do, and I guess just keep at the meditation, the yoga, the eating healthy, the reading, the writing, etc, and I'm sure I'll find me soon.

And put a leash on that bitch so she can't get away again, damnit.

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  1. I don't think you've lost yourself at all. I think this is just life delivering you with a bit of a roller coaster should you think you can get comfortable for too long.
    Do you read Pema Chodron? Because she's got some great stuff on using this very stuff to help you meditate.

    1. Googling Pema Chodron now, lol... And I used to live the roller coaster life- hated it. Drama drags me down so much, and I hate it. But, today has been good so far. Just have to take it one day at a time. =)

  2. and seems true when it rains it pours...but then it gets sunny again! I hope you have a better week this week. good luck!!

  3. First. New "stalker." I found you on BlogHer. :)

    Second. I don't believe you've lost yourself at all.. You're the phoenix rising from the ashes.. Act accordingly. ;)

    Third. The ex. Ugh. I had an ex just like that, only mine went on to be fruitful and multiply north, south, east and west, and now we have all of these children.. Some that know him, some that don't.. And only recently are the children coming around to meeting each other. It's a beautiful mess to be sure.. I love all of these children and am friends with 3 of his other 4 ex wives.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train. :)

    Also read your article on tats. Haven't gotten one yet but this is the year and I already know what I want but your article was very helpful. Thanks!

    1. I am LOVING Blogher more and more each day! I keep getting awesome readers like you! Glad you found me!

      And holy crap on your ex. At least the one in my past isn't procreating... the Universe is looking out for everyone on that one, lol.