Thursday, March 15, 2012

10 Ways to Know You Are About to Spend an Ass Load of Money

There are words you can look for when you go shopping, or go out to eat, that let you know immediately that you are about to just hand your wallet over to the business. And, forget the common words of 'gourmet', or 'handmade' or 'unique'- I want to tackle ones that sound absolutely amazing, and you are glad to pay the extra amount for them... because you have no idea what they really mean.

Not anymore, now that you have Tatted Mom's dictionary handy.

This list is of 10 words that, when you see them, you should automatically think dollar signs. Some of them are warranted for the extra money (like 'fair trade'), and some are just ways for the company to get money out of you. The list today is comprised of food words.

Artisan- usually found before 'Bread' or 'Sandwiches'. Means it was made by a "skilled person", i.e. the pimply faced 16 year old virgin in the back, making minimum wage to save up for the latest edition of World of Warcraft.

Arugula- it's lettuce. Don't let them fool you, or charge you an extra $5 for it. They went outside the back door, picked whatever weeds were there, and threw it in your salad.

Asiago- fancy word for Italian cow's milk garlicy tasting cheese. The origins of asiago cheese are shrouded in deep mystery, meaning only Italian monks, who have sworn a vow of silence, who live as hermits in the remote Italian countryside, and are protected my ninjas, know where asiago cheese really comes from. My guess? Unicorn poop.

Bistro- defined as 'a small restaurant', understand that by calling themselves a 'bistro', they are going to jack
up the prices by at least 50%. That turkey and swiss sandwich? Costs you $5 for a footlong at some places, will cost you $8 for 6" at a 'bistro'.

Caramelized- usually found before 'onions' or 'carrots' on a fancy restaurant's menu. It means they just burnt the shit out of your onions and carrots and they are going to serve them to you anyway, and charge an extra $5.

Chef's Special- They want you to believe this is an amazing dish the chef was given in a dream by a unicorn, passed down from the angels above, and will only be available that night- for the low, low price of $29.99 a plate. In reality (and this is the honest truth, I couldn't even make this up for humor purposes), it's whatever meat is getting ready to go bad in the back. So, when you decide whether or not to cut off that arm or leg and hand it over to the restaurant for their divinely inspired meal, think that tomorrow, that same meal could give you e-coli. Yum.

Fair Trade- an amazing concept that is being implemented to help smaller, less developed countries be more sufficient when it comes to trading practices. Basically, it means that at one time, we used to take 1000 pounds of coffee from a third world country, and in return, give them a chocolate bar. A worldwide guilty conscience grew, and now we give them 1000 chocolate bars for 1000 pounds of coffee.

Grande, Tall and Venti- You just paid an extra $2.00 for your coffee because of those size names. Why? Because 'Small, Medium, and Large' were not quite stick-in-the-ass-ish for that place. (I get my coffee there, too, sometimes, don't feel bad.)

Organic- no pesticides, animals are allowed to roam free, no antibiotics... all of these things are encompassed by organic foods. Healthier? Yeah, probably. More expensive? You better believe it. My suggestion? Grow your own garden, make sure it's 'organic', then chock the prices up by 1000% and sell them at the farmer's market. You'll make a killing. (I eat organic, so don't feel bad.)

Vegan- means it's made with no animal byproducts, because most vegans say they don't eat anything with a face. I respect that and all, but it's weird. And, just because you chose not to put eggs or butter in your cake, then please don't try and charge me an extra $3 a slice because of the rare ingredients that went into it to simulate the eggs and butter.

I'm pretty damn sure there will be a part 2 of this series; this was absolutely too much fun to only do once!

Y'all know I love Thirsty Thursday; head
over there for some other amazing blogs!

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  1. Asiago cheese is my damn favorite. And now I know why it is soooooo good. It's the unicorn poop. Mystery solved.

  2. You can get vegan cupcakes at the same price as regular cupcakes at whole foods :) I don't mind paying more for organic - but I read the labels to make sure I am getting what I pay for.

    Thanks for stopping by Cupcakes & Cucumbers. I also have another blog at you might like.