Monday, February 27, 2012

Tatted Mom's Vocabulary Lesson #1

My circle of family and friends and I have our own language. Some of it consists of words or phrases we use so the kids around us have no idea what we are talking about, and some of it developed randomly but has a different definition to us than it does the rest of the world.

These are 7 actual terms used just about everyday in my life. Kinda scary when I started compiling this list, but there's no arguing this came from my household.

Baking Cookies- v. A term used in place of 'having sex' when the kids are in earshot of the conversation.
Example: "You are seriously being a bitch right now. When is the last time you baked cookies to relieve some stress?"
Caution: When using this term around kids, which is it's intention, they will indeed ask if there are cookies.

Hooker- n. An endearing term for a female friend or family member, to which one should not take offense. If we didn't like you, we'd call you a 'GS' or c*nt if we really can't stand you.
Example: "Hey, hooker, it's time to get up and get ready for work."
See Also: Slut, Tramp, Hussy, Ho

Bad Form- A statement declaring displeasure of a situation.
Example: "All we have is a can of mixed vegetables to go along with dinner tonight." "Bad form."
See also: You're Fired

Sand in the Vagina- n. A term used to describe over exaggerated irritability about something. Can be used for males or females.
Example: "Hubby has sand in his vagina about the Packers losing in the playoffs."
See also: Wah, Wah, Wah, My P*ssy Hurts

Punctuation Mark- n. A term used in place of 'menstruation' or 'period' when the kids are in earshot of the conversation, so we don't have to answer more questions about that part of our lives.
Example: "I have some hella cramps with my punctuation mark this month."

GS- n. A term used to describe a woman very much disliked. Stands for gutter slut or ghetto slut.
Example: "Damn, did you see that GS over there with her big ol' hoop earrings, her slutty makeup and her too-tight clothing? And someone needs to wash her hair, just sayin'."

Your Momma- An appropriate response to any statement or question.
Example: "What are you watching on TV?" "Your momma." or "We're having pork chops for dinner tonight, okay?" "Your momma."

Now, as with any vocabulary lesson, we're going to now use them all together, to show you just how usable the words are in everyday life.

"Hey hooker, wake up.
Screw you. Bad form.
Damn, you're awfully bitchy this morning. How'd you get that sand in your vagina?
Your Momma.
Seriously, it seems like someone didn't bake cookies last night, or else she wouldn't be such a bitch this morning.
Couldn't. Got my punctuation mark.
Hahaha, sucks to be you.
Has new meaning now, huh?!
Seriously, you are approaching GS status right now if you don't get out of my face and let me go back to sleep."

There you have it, Inklingers, Tatted Mom's first vocabulary lesson for you. Start studying, because the test is on Friday...

And by 'test,' I mean vodka drink or glass of wine. And by 'Friday' I mean, whenever you damn well feel like drinking it, hookers. And go bake some cookies, too.

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