Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Many Faces of Makeup Application

I seriously may have my Woman Card revoked for this today.

Men- there's a reason why we ladies do not usually let you see us get ready for the day, or for going out at night- the process is not pretty. We just want you to see the finalized, gorgeous product of all of our poking, and pulling and stretching- not what we go through to get there.

Ladies- please don't hate me for showing everyone what we put ourselves through in the name of beauty. My blog is about finding the humor in everyday life, and you can't tell me you don't giggle a little bit at some of the faces you make when you are applying your makeup. It's funny. Admit it, it's okay. And hey, at least I'm the one taking the heat on this one- the world gets to see me sans-makeup. Very scary...

So, here it is...

The Many Faces of Makeup Application

Every makeup routine usually begins with a good moisturizer...

The Scream Face
I call this face 'The Scream'. Why? Does Edvard Munch's painting come to mind by chance...

This guy was applying facial moisturizer, too.

Why is this face necessary? Because we have to make sure we get our cheeks, under our eyes, and our neck and chin, and if it's wrinkle cream (like mine), then we work it in to the deep crevices of our face so it can get to working on eliminating them better.

Next, we have the foundation...

Denture Face
Again, we must stretch the face out a bit to get foundation into every nook and cranny, especially around the nose. Looks like I lost my teeth somewhere and am gumming it, right? Hence, the Denture Face.

Next, we apply powder...
Honestly, it's just easier, when applying powder, to close your eyes and get it everywhere. More even coverage that way. You could call this the Tart Face. I prefer the mature, very raunchy, Please Don't Get It In My Eye Face. If you are offended, I apologize, though I'm sure this must be your first time at my site. If not, then you are definitely a reader of mine, and now, whenever you go to put on your powder, you'll think of raunchy porn faces. You're welcome.

Next is the eyeshadow...

The Mommy's Meds Have Kicked In Face
Ahh, eyes are just slits, vision is decreased by 87%, and yet we continue on with the eyeshadow application. This is to achieve a darker look in the crease of the eyes, which we follow with a lighter shade on the lids themselves, to bring out the eyes by creating a smoky look. All of that technique-talk is completely squashed by the fact that I look like I just smoked a bowl had some anxiety pills kick in.

Next is the eyeliner...

The Creepy Old Guy in the Bar Wink Face
Yes, in order to get a straight, thin eyeliner line, it is best to stretch the eye out and raise the eyebrow at the same time. This one eye closed thing screams Creepy Old Guy in the Bar Wink. Ladies, you know exactly what I'm talking about. That old man, who is a regular at the bar, that sits at the same table every weekend and just watches people, and then you realize he's staring at you, so you turn to shoot him a dirty look and he winks at you... that face, just minus the fingers being all up in it.

Then we have the dreaded mascara, which comes in 2 phases...

The 'O' Face
This is the application of mascara to the top lashes. Mouth open, eyes wide... The 'O' Face. Do I seriously need to explain??

The Laser Beam Eyes Face
The 'O' Face is quickly followed by The Laser Beam Eyes Face when we go to apply mascara to the bottom lashes. Intense, threatening, and aimed directly at you. Don't mess with a woman during this stage of makeup application. If you do, you might see the...
The F*ck I Got Mascara In My Eye Face
The F*ck I Got Mascara In My Eye Face. Not fun.

I don't normally apply bronzer or blush, but if I do, I find it best to apply at the end, so I've gauged the sluttiness intensity of my eye color makeup..

The Kissy Fish Face
Why do we make a Kissy Fish Face? To make the cheek bones pronounced and apply the color to the contours of the face. Or to give ourselves a 'You're Fabulous, Here's a Kiss in the Mirror' self confidence boost.

Last, but not least, we apply lipstick...

The Village Idiot Face
The weird ways we distort our lips to get the lipstick on just right are crazy. Look at that face. A Village Idiot is the only thing that comes to mind, except for a simple sound, 'Herrrhhhh'. Maybe add a little drool coming out of the side of my mouth, and the look is complete.

I didn't even think to take a 'normal' finished product face, as it would have been ruined anyway by the goofy pictures above.

And ladies, seriously consider allowing me to keep my Woman Card, even though I showed everyone our makeup application secrets. I like my Woman Card. It has gotten me free drinks, discounts at car repair places, and bigger tips as a waitress and tattoo artist in the past. My Woman Card is right up there in importance with my Bitch Card. I'd die without either of them.

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1 comment:

  1. I make all those faces the six times a year I can actually be bothered to put on make up these days.