Monday, February 6, 2012

I Found My Super Power!

When I was a kid and someone asked me the 'If you could have one super power, what would it be?' question, I always had the same answer. Hell, 20 years later I still had the same answer...

To be invisible.

I wanted to be able to sneak up on people, to eavesdrop on conversations, to sneak into a bank and rob it and never be seen.

Looking back on it now, I find my fantasy superpower to be quite ironic, as I've done everything in my life to not be invisible. Covered myself in bright, colorful tattoos, always spoken my mind, raised my kids to be just as free thinkers as I am... nothing about any of that says 'I want to be invisible.'

Food for thought, and probably says something quite large about me on some psychological level. Anyhow...

I found my super power tonight. It saddens me to say it's not invisibility.

I can't read minds, either, damnit, which was always my second choice.

Apparently, I have laser beams that shoot from my eyeballs.

I've had a 'Wife Look' for almost 13 years now that I could shoot my husband, and he knew I meant business. Then, when the kids came along, I developed the 'Mom Look', as every mother does. But tonight, tonight was something completely different.

The Ginger was acting crazy, running through the apartment, repeating over and over again that he was thirsty. (His erratic behavior coupled with his inability to quench his thirst has me drawing the only logical conclusion there is- he's a vampire.)

Me: Well, if you would go sit down and fold your clothes like I told you to, and quit running around, you wouldn't be so thirsty.
The Ginger: But Mooooommmmm, I'm thirrrrstttyyyyyyyy. I think I'm gonna die.
Me: Well, go fold your clothes before you die, please. Then you can have something to drink.
The Ginger: But Mooommmmmmm...

That's when I shot him what I thought was the normal, ol' 'Mom Look'.

Only, it wasn't. Well, it couldn't have been. It was something so much more.

The 'Mom Look' makes the kids pause for a second, quiet down after at least getting their objections out, and go sit down or do whatever it is I told them to do, at a snail's pace.

But upon aiming my stare at The Ginger tonight, he stopped dead in his tracks, in the middle of his sentence nonetheless, his eyes grew wide as saucers, he put his head down and quickly ran to the clothes basket, where he proceeded to begin folding his clothes.

Even my sister looked over at me in disbelief to see what had The Ginger so obedient so quickly.

Sis: Holy crap. What'd you just do to him?
Me: Nothing. I gave him the 'Mom Look'.
Sis: Did you threaten him?
Me: Nope.
Sis: You just looked at him?
Me: Yep.
Sis: Holy crap.
Me: I know, right? OH MY GOD, I MUST HAVE LASER BEAMS THAT SHOOT OUT OF MY EYEBALLS. That's the only explanation.
Sis: Sweet.

My mind is now wandering as to what my new super power can do.

I'd render a grill useless during the summer. I can hear my hubby now, 'Hey baby, the steaks need to be cooked real quick. Can you just shoot them with your laser beam eyeballs please? Could you cut it down to about 10 seconds, this time though, instead of 20? I like my steak medium rare, not medium well.'

There was this girl who I greatly disliked at one time whose car I used to want to try and catch on fire with my mind (while sitting at her place of work, without her in it- I didn't fantasize about killing her, don't worry.) Laser beams shooting out of my eyeballs would definitely work for that, right?

I could cauterize wounds immediately.

Boil water in seconds.

Be quite useful in the attack against aliens or if the zombie apocalypse occurs.

The possibilities are limitless.

For now, until I learn how to effectively use my super power, I will continue to use it for it's initial purpose...

Torture my kids by making them do the things that are expected of them everyday, like folding their clothes, doing their homework and chores, and straightening their room. Once I have perfected that, I'm starting on my track to world dominance.

With my laser beam eyeballs, ready to go.

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