I have the day off from work, and in the back of my mind I've had this voice saying, "Blog... now... blog... now." I have all these ideas rolling around, and then my phone goes off; I have an email from the email address I only use for my blog. What's this? The Inklings of Life has been selected as a winner of the ecollegefinder.org's Top 115 Parenting Blogs Award???? WOOOOO HOOOO!
The excitement, the honor, the.... oh crap, really? I won?
I read my congratulations email from them, and one sentence seemed to stick out in my head. "Your blog stood out amongst stiff competition and is now featured on our site as a recommended parenting resource for our readers."
Whoa... The Inklings of Life is now a recommended parenting resource???
I have to say I almost peed my pants with giggling and excitement... and horror.
I'm a single mom who says whatever I want; my give a crap filter broke many years ago. I have made so many amazingly bad decisions in my life it's not funny (short of drugs, prostitution, printing counterfeit money and smuggling illegals across the border- crap, I did consider that as a means of making money for a half a second when I lived in Arizona, damnit), and I have this constant worry that years down the road I will be bailing my kids out of jail because now, in the present, I took my son's video game privileges away for a weekend and it created this black hole deep down inside of him that festered for 10 years into this monster kleptomaniac that wants to steal video games from the store. Or that by making my daughter dress like the 9 year old that she is instead of the 16 year old hooker all of the clothing lines seem to want to turn her into nowadays, it is going to cause her to rebel and run away from home because 'Mommy's too strict.'
And my crazy antics, worrying, and warped, truthful philosophy on parenting is now deemed as an acceptable resource for parents???
May the gods have mercy on everyone's souls...
No, all joking aside, it's an amazing honor to have won this award. It means I must be doing something right with my blog, and people appreciate the craziness and straightforwardness they get there at The Inklings. I promise you all I won't change a thing- you'll still get the truth, the good, the bad and the ugly of parenting, and twisted advice on topics only I would cover. Hell, this award just may have added fuel to my ever-growing crazy fire.
So, considering I'm now deemed as a socially acceptable parenting resource, here's a few helpful parenting tips- Tatted Mom style, of course:
- Don't feed your kids before a nighttime school function. That way, half way through it (which you know you didn't really want to go anyway), they are 'starving' and can't stop talking about how hungry they are, so when you say, 'Well, we can leave early and go get McDonalds,' they beg you to go.
- Wear fuzzy pajama pants and slippers to the bus stop in the mornings. This semi-establishes you as the crazy mom, which means no kids will want to argue with you, and embarasses your kids at the same time, which is a Right as a Mom. Make sure to use Mommy Spit to get that cowlick to lay down, and kiss them when the bus arrives. Your kids will laugh about all of that later, I promise, and they will know that you love them more than anything.
- Spaghettioes (meat, vegetable and grains group) are a completely legitimate course for dinner if you add parmesan cheese (dairy group) and peaches (fruit group) on the side. Make sure to get the spaghettioes with hotdogs or meatballs, because it doesn't count as a well balanced meal without those.
- If you only lose a kid once a month in a crowded store or airport, consider yourself extremely lucky and pat yourself on the back. More than once a month may require the assistance of one of those kid leashes, which I'm highly opposed to. And don't forget, shopping buggies are your friend.
- Become quick whitted and grow a thick skin. Kids will say the darnedest things, sometimes for reaction alone, so make sure you are prepared for it, so you can pull it of gracefully when it happens, then run and hide in your bathroom to laugh your ass off about it. Kids and Cussing 101 covers all of that.
- If you are a single parent, don't introduce anyone to your kids until you know who they really are. Seriously. I had a guy one time tell me that some of his first dates were spent with a single mom and her kids because the girl wanted to see how he interacted with children. Okay, first, she was a crazy bitch, and not in a good way. Who uses their own kids to get a man or see how a man is around kids? Borrow someone else's for that experimentation if it's really that important to you, sheesh. And she was looking for 'Mr.Take-Care-of-Me-Forever' on the first date- psycho. Do you really want your kids to witness the awkward first kiss, or the weird holding hands, or the crazy getting to know one another conversation? And if he turns out to be a douchebag, do you want your kids knowing where you bury the bodies? Date the person for a little while first, and take all of the necessary precautions- background check, facebook stalk, *67 and randomly call him at 3am to see if he's really at home or if a chick answers the phone- you know, cover your bases, and then, if they are alright, bring the kids into it.
- If your child is self conscious about something, bring it into the foreground and make it a joke. They will hate you at first, but in the long run it's so helpful. Two examples: 1-My 9 year old wanted to shave her legs because she was self conscious about how hairy they are. So, we teased her about them. Sounds cruel, I know, but now she has embraced her hairy legs because anything said to her at school about them is nothing compared to what we've said to her at home. You have to get them laughing about it, though, themselves; don't just be cruel about it. We called her Chewbacca and a hobbit- she got over it quickly. 2- My son is a ginger. Gasp now, go ahead. Apparently 'ginger' is a derogatory term for a red head. Yeah, not in my house. My son used to come home from school crying because people made fun of his red hair. He used to tell me he wanted brown hair like me (even though I've been dying mine red for 15 years now), so we started calling him 'Ginger', making him laugh, and now he loves his red hair. We get stares at the grocery store when we yell out 'Hey, Ginger, get over here', but who cares what other people think, right?
- Always remind your children that you brought them into this world, so you can take them out of this world. And milk the hours and pain of labor if you are a mom. It works everytime.
- Allow your kids to speak freely. Don't let them be condescending or rude, but establish an open line of communication between you and them. Don't punish them for speaking their mind if that's how they feel. Listen to them with open ears and an open heart, talk with them on their level to get through any problems that might be going on. Communication is a beautiful thing.
- Hide snack goodies from them and eat them only after the kids go to bed. Seriously, you'll thank me for that piece of advice. There's nothing worse than buying a brownie and having to hear, 'Mom, can I have a bite? Just a little one.' There's no such thing as a little bite when it comes to kids. Somehow they find a way to unhinge their jaw like a snake and take the largest bite ever when you give into the 'just a bite' thing, leaving you with a corner the size of a dime to savor.
I want to thank ecollegefinder.org for selecting The Inklings of Life as a Top 115 Parenting Blog, and for deeming it a recommended parenting resource. My crazy has now been given over the masses- may they laugh until they pee, shake their heads in disbelief and take the helpful points stashed between the sarcasm and the 'oh my gosh, did she just say that?' to heart.