Tuesday, November 29, 2011

New Holiday Service Available!

In the true Tatted Mom style of last year's Holiday Position Now Available post, this year I am launching a new seasonal business, so spread the word.

Available for hire for the 2011 holiday season, with possible expansion after the first of the year~ Stick Removal R Us.

What is this new business, you ask? Yard maintenance? No! Trash business? No! Recycling center? No!

Have you ever been out shopping and get into a checkout line, and the person in front of you is haggling over $1 price difference?

We can help!

Do you work in retail during the holiday season and come across customer after customer that complain about every little thing in hopes of trying to get something for free?

Give us a call!

Have you ever sat and waited patiently for grandma to load the bags into her trunk, get into her car and start backing out of that parking space that you have been waiting for, with your blinker on, for 5 minutes, just to have some rude person pull into the parking spot at 90 miles an hour before you?

Jimmy's Gun Shop can help you with that, but give us a call first!!

Stick Removal R Us specializes in removing those huge sticks that some people seem to have stuck up their asses.

Yes, you read that right! And it's about damn time, isn't it?

Especially during the holiday season, the amount of people with sticks up their asses doubles, even triples depending on how close to Christmas it is, and how much stress they are under. Stick Removal R Us can help with reality checks, putting people in their place, and if nothing else, a good laugh as you witness us try and remove the stick from a person's ass.

Stick removal methods include:

  • Killing them with kindness. Works best with people who just want to be a bitch for bitchiness sake. Recommended for those who work in retail, when sarcasm and just simply calling someone out could result in job loss.
  • Simplicity. Amazing results are achieved when the person is asked the simple question of, 'I'm sorry, do you need help removing that stick from your ass?' If nothing else, the person heads in the opposite direction of you, with a disgusted look on their face, and you don't have to deal with them anymore.
  • Psychotherapy. We sit down with the person and begin getting to the root of the issue. 'Do you only have a stick up your ass during the holiday season, or all of the time?' 'How was your childhood?' 'What was your relationship like with your mother?' 'How is your sex life? Are you getting any, or is that why the stick seems to be permanently lodged in there?'
  • Sarcasm. 'Does that stick you have up your ass hurt, or are you used to it being there?' Again, they may head in the opposite direction after shouting this out across a crowded mall store, but you won't have to deal with them anymore.
  • The 'Beating Around the Bush' Method. For a small added fee, we will purchase things like mayonaise, sexual lubricant, butter, olive oil, pliers and gloves, set them down in front of the person, and just smile. When the confused look starts, we simply walk away, bend over, make a motion of removing a stick from our own ass (clothes on, of course), while mouthing the words, 'To help you remove the stick from your ass'. An extra fee is added if the person is too stupid to understand the Beating Around the Bush Method, and we have to outright explain to them what's going on.
We here at Stick Removal R Us never resort to physical means of stick removal. We do not enjoy spending the holiday season in jail because of an assault charge, plus it gets too damn messy. We have found our non-invasive means of stick removal to be quite successful, even with difficult customers who have had a stick up their asses for their whole lives.

We offer group rates (these tend to be the most fun for us), and prices are variable depending on specific situations, people, and whether the person is a repeat offender. We do admit that sometimes our methods are not permanent, and the stick eventually works its way back into a person's ass. And yes, we do realize that some people are just masochists and enjoy having the stick up their ass, and if your person turns out to be one of these cases, we have counselling available to help you through dealing with a loved one who has a stick permanently up their ass.

Full day rates are also available, if you want us to just follow you around all day, randomly removing sticks from people's asses. Perfect for that last minute holiday shopping, grocery shopping, or family get togethers!

Discounts available for referring us to your friends and family, and we do have a Stick Removal R Us Club Card. Buy 9 stick removals, get the 10th FREE!!

Spread the word about Stick Removal R Us, and if the demand is great enough, we will continue our services into the new year! We hope everyone has a stick free holiday season, but if not, give us a call!!

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