Wednesday, October 19, 2011

You Found WHAT at the Dollar Store???

I will start out by saying I love the dollar stores. I seem to always be broke, and the various dollar stores around really help me out with the kids' lunches, my snacking habit, and cheap meals like pasta with spaghetti sauce. So, seeing as I don't get paid until Friday and the kids needed lunch stuff now, my sister and I headed to the dollar store yesterday to stock up.

Walking around the dollar store I began to notice just how many things you can get now for $1. Scary things (and I don't mean because it's Halloween time). Questionable things. Eyebrow raising things. I took a picture of one of the items in the dairy case (yeah, some dollar stores have those now), and that's what started the hunt. My sister and I tore through the dollar store, giggling, searching for things that just made me go, 'What the hell?' And honestly, I couldn't believe the 12 things (grouped into 8 categories) I found that you can now purchase for $1...

1. Unreal Sourcreme
'Unreal' Sourcreme????????
So, they tell you right on the package, 'Hey, this shit is fake', because I'm not interpreting 'unreal' as to mean mind blowing. And 'creme'?? For verification purposes, I googled the spelling of 'creme'. "Creme is when you have something made that's of a different material acting as cream." So what in the hell is this stuff made of? Damn, I should have taken a picture of the ingredients, too. And seriously, considering most grocery stores have actual sour cream (yes, 'cream') for less than a dollar or on sale 10 for $10, I think I'll pass on the sourcreme...

2. Chicken Products
2 Chicken thighs for $1.........

Chicken Rings??? What part of the chicken... nevermind...

Okay, the first one, Chicken thighs, just scares me. Don't get me wrong, I can get a whole bag of frozen chicken thighs from the grocery store for like $5, but 2 chicken thighs for $1?? Ooooh, they come with free salmonella.... Bonus!!!

And Chicken Rings? Can someone explain to me exactly what part of the chicken comes in ring shape? Oh, wait..... no, I won't be buying those.....

3. King Sized Nut Roll
Every woman's best friend...
Can't forget it's 'Salted'. Yes, I am 30 years old and yes, this made me giggle like hell. I understand that's the generic Baby Ruth, but 'Nut Roll' is funny enough, 'Salted' adds to it, and 'King Size'... this is what every woman needs... Which leads me into #4...

4. Fun in the Bedroom... Well Maybe Not All Fun
For those intimate moments, and the
really intimate moments...
Exactly how accurate could these be???
We start off with the Warm Touch Warming Jelly. Mmmm, nothing says lovin in the bedroom like warming jelly. And yeah, look at the picture. If any man comes near me with sparks shooting out of his finger tips, guess what part of my sensitive body he won't be touching??

But for the times when the warming jelly that you purchased from the dollar store causes a severe reaction in your vag, don't worry, the dollar store also carries Vagi-Cure.Good thing they have those right beside each other on the shelf, huh? I mean, where else would I go to treat my 'everyday itch' than the dollar store? Hells yeah!

For the times the warming jelly works quite well, we not only have pregnancy tests at the dollar tree, but ovulation predictors to let you know when the best time is to use the warming jelly. Both boxes say 'Over 99% Accurate', but does anyone know who they tested these on? My guess would be a woman who is already 6 months pregnant ('Look, honey, there's 2 blue lines. Guess that means I really am pregnant and they ob/gyn I've been seeing for the last 6 months is right!!'), or a woman who drops eggs every week anyway and has 10 kids already, so we know she's gonna be ovulating on any given Tuesday. Can you really trust planning out your family or finding out the biggest news of your life to a dollar store piss stick?

5. Poorly Named Bath Products
African Rhythm scented???
So, I'll confess something now. I had to google 'Abu Simbel' (geography was not my strong class in school). They are Nubian temples in Egypt. So, this shower gel smells like a Kenyan Safari (giraffes and zebras???), Casablanca (ocean water and 4 million people???) and Abu Simbel (sand and sweat???). But all of those together form 'African Rhythm' scent (giraffes with 4 million sweaty people??). I think I'll put that one back on the shelf....

6. Diet Dots
You can trust your weight loss health to the dollar store!
"I lost 250 pounds on Diet Dots from the dollar store, and you can, too!" Seriously doubt that will ever be a commercial you see. These either can't possibly work at all, or are like over the counter crack that was brewed in the back room. My guess would be the first one. But no worries, these dietary supplements are conveniently placed between the eye drops, in case they are a diuretic that makes you piss out every ounce of liquid in your body to lose weight, and the gas relief, in case they work in another way to expel weight.

7. Ginormous Products
For the giant that shops the dollar store.
Seriously, have you ever even seen the word 'Ginormous' on packaging at a store before? I thought this was cool as hell. Yes, they are in the gag gift section along with some clown noses and stuff like that, but still. 'Ginormous' is one of the coolest words ever, in fact, I didn't think it was an actual word. I thought it was just a made up word kids use like 'elevensy' and 'poopface'. But, it's found on a product package at the dollar store... it's legit.

8. Amazing Reading Material
Please tell me this is an instruction manual...
I confess now, I didn't even bother to check and see what this book was about. And again, I'm 30 years old and this title made me giggle like hell. I'm not sure if this is a non-fiction about suburban life, a fiction book about a soccer team, or an instruction manual that most men don't want us women to get our hands on. Either way, it's only $1. I knew I'd regret not purchasing it.....

So, now that you have seen what my shopping trip to the local dollar store entailed, I'd love to hear if anyone else has found interesting items while on their own shopping excursion! Leave me comments below!!

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  1. just read this on BloggyMoms. Cracked me up. You're too funny. The chicken rings thing really grossed me out though.

  2. I just become your follower on the basis of this post alone! I too saw it on Bloggy Moms first. On my goodness...laugh riot!I' Im at

  3. I want to go shopping with you! I never find exciting products like this. Too funny.

  4. Funny and I work There