Friday, October 21, 2011

My 'Me' Epiphany

Yesterday morning on the way to work, I had an epiphany.

I am me, and that's all I will ever be, and well, I like me.

What caused this huge ground breaking thought for me? I posted a link to my twitter account on my personal facebook page, and my crazy ass cousin told me he prefers my twitter to my facebook because it's more 'free-form'. That's when I realized that whenever I have a random thought pop into my head, it goes onto my twitter, immediately, anything from whether it's worse for it to be raining actual cats and dogs outside or slugs, to my sister making me head to Wal-Mart in my lounging clothes and no shower, to how sick the world we live in is because my icing filled donut was empty.

And that's when the epiphany hit me.

I'm random. I'm crazy. I can be funny at times. And it's all me, and I love it.

So, today I want to re-introduce to you all me, Tatted Mom, Morgan, Mama Morgan, Morgasm... and whatever else I have been called in my life (minus all the dirty ones, thank you).
  1. I'm the mother of 2 beautiful kids, a 9 year old daughter and an almost 7 year old son. My daughter's teacher told me tonight she is an amazing little girl and I should be proud. My son, well, I'm thankful he's gotten through the throwing chocolate milk across the room phase he went through a few years ago, and he's a genius with legos. Seriously, he can build anything.
  2. I'm 30 years old, dye my hair every 6 weeks religiously to cover the gray, use anti-wrinkle cream just in case, and still try and dress like I'm 25. Not in a slutty way, but a 'cool, hip' way. I'm pretty sure I just look like a moron.
  3. I'm a comma whore. I use them all the time, even if they aren't needed, because, well, when I want you to pause when reading my posts, I make sure you have to pause.
  4. I prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate, and let's face it- white chocolate isn't a chocolate at all. It's kidding itself, and whoever eats it, too.
  5. I watch shows like Dexter, American Horror Story, Big Bang Theory, The Walking Dead, and Ghost Adventures. Wow, it wasn't until I wrote everything out that I truly saw how creepy my weekly programs are. 
  6. I'm a grammar nazi. Seriously, if I could take a red pen to everything in this world, I'd be a happy person. And one of my BIGGEST pet peeves is bloggers that not only don't have any type of grasp of the English language, but don't hit spell check before they post. And 'there', 'they're' and 'their'. Please look them up before you post. I beg of you.
  7. I'm thinking of going back to school to be a paralegal. I was told one time that I waste my investigative skills on catching men cheating on me, and that I should put it to a use that makes me money (true story, I swear). So, I've actually been giving it some thought. It's either that or I use my sneaky skills and become a ninja. Either way works for me.
  8. I drive a bright yellow car. Like, seriously yellow. It's been dubbed the 'mini school bus'. But, hey, I figure as long as I'm driving the bus, it's all good.
  9. I cuss... a lot. I blame it on having been a tattoo artist for 3 years of my life, in a shop of guys. Or, it's just because sometimes 'shit' describes exactly the situation or mood I'm in. 
  10. I share a bedroom with my 22 year old sister. Two twin beds. Just like a dorm room. Yes, you read that right. I am 30 years old and sleep in a twin bed. With a teddy bear. Judge me. Please. You try moving back home and starting over, again, at the age of 30.
  11. I enjoy talking in accents. Russian, British, it really doesn't matter. My sister and I carry on entire conversations in accents. In public. Yep, we're *those* people.
  12. I hate snakes, so, I have one tattooed on me. I hate spiders, so, I have one tattooed on me. I hate assholes.... what? You think I have one of those tattooed on me? What's wrong with y'all??? You think I'm that crazy? Sheesh. Well, you're wrong.
  13. I don't like Star Wars. There, I said it.
  14. I have been called a 'crazy bitch', and a 'psycho bitch', been asked by several people in my life if I've ever been committed, and have been accused of taking a baseball bat to a car before. What do I say to all these people? The 7 other people in my head and I think I'm just fine, thank you.
  15. I collect witch bottles. Actually, I collect just about anything having to do with witches. So, this time of year I go broke, and the decorations stay up all year round. My eclectic decor has gotten some strange looks over the years, but it all makes perfect sense to people who really know me.
So, that's just 15 random things about me. I figured that now I'd open the floor to you all, see if there's anything you all wanted to know about me! Feel free to comment below and ask, but if it has anything to do with my bra size or my views on world hunger, chances are my reply back will be so smart assed that you'll wish you had never asked.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

You Found WHAT at the Dollar Store???

I will start out by saying I love the dollar stores. I seem to always be broke, and the various dollar stores around really help me out with the kids' lunches, my snacking habit, and cheap meals like pasta with spaghetti sauce. So, seeing as I don't get paid until Friday and the kids needed lunch stuff now, my sister and I headed to the dollar store yesterday to stock up.

Walking around the dollar store I began to notice just how many things you can get now for $1. Scary things (and I don't mean because it's Halloween time). Questionable things. Eyebrow raising things. I took a picture of one of the items in the dairy case (yeah, some dollar stores have those now), and that's what started the hunt. My sister and I tore through the dollar store, giggling, searching for things that just made me go, 'What the hell?' And honestly, I couldn't believe the 12 things (grouped into 8 categories) I found that you can now purchase for $1...

1. Unreal Sourcreme
'Unreal' Sourcreme????????
So, they tell you right on the package, 'Hey, this shit is fake', because I'm not interpreting 'unreal' as to mean mind blowing. And 'creme'?? For verification purposes, I googled the spelling of 'creme'. "Creme is when you have something made that's of a different material acting as cream." So what in the hell is this stuff made of? Damn, I should have taken a picture of the ingredients, too. And seriously, considering most grocery stores have actual sour cream (yes, 'cream') for less than a dollar or on sale 10 for $10, I think I'll pass on the sourcreme...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

5 Things to Learn from a Mama Cat

Our 3 Zombie Kittens
Recently, Zombie Kitty became a mom to 4 beautiful Zombie Kittens. The runt ended up dying after a few days, with left us with 2 ginger kittens and a black and white kitten. I've been watching Bones with her babies for the last few weeks, and realized that there's much to be learned from a Mama Cat.
  1. When the kids are hungry, feed them. I have watched the Zombie Kittens run up to Mama Bones and tackle her to the ground to nurse. At first she used to fight them for a few minutes. Understandably so, considering she just fed them an hour ago. But considering there are 3 of them and 1 of her, they band together and get what they want, quite aggressively at times. So, she's now learned that, if the kids are hungry, she better not argue.
  2. If the kids are in danger, it's perfectly acceptable to pick them up immediately and move them. I wouldn't recommend carrying them by the back of their necks in your mouth to do so, but whatever works, right? Mama Bones had 3 different hiding places for her kittens while they were still young. And when they started becoming mobile, she would pick them up, yes, by the back of their necks, and take them back to the hiding spot for protection. It just reminded me that yes, I'm bigger than my kids, and yes, I can use force if necessary.
  3. If the kids are fighting, leave them be. They'll work it out eventually. As I type this post today, I have a pile of ginger and black and white fir next to me on the couch biting each other's ears and putting their paws up to fight. Where's Mama Bones? Asleep in the kitchen floor. The Zombie Kittens aren't killing themselves, so, until it comes to that, just let the kids be kids.
  4. Let the kids explore. We live in a small apartment, but the kittens have now covered just about every inch of it. Mama Bones sits back, usually on top of a chair or a coffee table for a better view, and lets them explore. Those tools over there in the bucket are pointy? Go ahead, you'll only sniff it once. That ottoman that you just had to climb? Go ahead and figure a way down from that since you didn't want to listen when I told you it was too high. If the kittens are in danger, Mama Bones will revert to #2 above, but if they aren't in danger, she figures let them learn things for themselves.
  5. Sometimes only a Mom will do. Bones usually lets the kittens play whenever they want to. She'll watch, sleep, go eat, head to the litter box, have her Mommy Time. But then one certain meow from one of the kittens, and she's hauling ass back into the room. We humans in the house know that meow by now, too. We know that's the 'I want my Mommy' meow, and it doesn't matter if we try and cuddle them, or see what's wrong, they just want their Mommy. And she knows it, too, so we just back off and let her cuddle her babies. 
I'd love to hear of any other things you all have learned from Mama Cats or Mama Dogs. Hell, Mama Gerbils, Mama Ferrets, Mama Horses, Mama Llamas (okay, I'm 30 years old and that just made me giggle)... I don't discriminate. So leave me a comment below and let me know what you've found out!!

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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Crack Fairy, Be Gone!

Seriously, who put my address on the Crack Fairy's first morning stopping list?

(As a disclaimer before I continue on with this post, my kids are not, nor have they ever been on any type of narcotic or illegal drug. The term 'crack' is used for humorous purposes only, to fully illustrate how my morning went. So put down the phone call to child services and sit back and enjoy this candid post.)

I was woken up this morning, 30 minutes before my alarm clock, to the sound of my children laughing and playing in their room.

I was immediately torn.

Sure, the sound of children laughing and playing was amazing, and I was proud of the fact that they could entertain themselves and not come and wake me up 30 minutes early, but seriously, it was 7 in the morning. I haven't even gotten out of bed yet, much less made it to the kitchen to even smell coffee.

Then I hear it.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Sandwiches Can Kiss My...

Back in the day I was Queen of the Kitchen. I shopped every week for fresh produce at the local market, ate organic meat, made as much of dinner as possible from scratch, and hardly ever fed my kids processed food.

Then reality hit.

Money got extremely tight, I was feeding 2 kids, trying to keep a house clean, and running my own business. So, in an effort to save money, we switched to highly processed foods that were cheap and low on nutrition.

Big mistake. Huge.

Honestly, my kids' behavior went uncontrollable. They were always hyper, wouldn't sleep at night, pretty much acted like psych patients who had a free day pass.

Then my oldest started school. At first she wanted to buy her school lunches. Okay, fine. Then I went and ate lunch with her at school one day. I was paying $1.50 a day for a turkey sandwich with lettuce, a cup of jello and a milk. Wtf?? Oh hell no, if her lunch is going to cost $1.50 a day, I'm gonna make it count.

So, I started packing her lunch everyday. Fresh carrots with ranch dressing, peanut butter and apple slices, goldfish crackers, sliced cheese and crackers, applesauce, sugar free pudding, animal crackers, granola bars, and 100% juice.- a combination of any of these items could be found in her lunch box on any given day. Then she came home one day pretty upset.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Sundays = Imagination Time

It happens every Sunday...

"Mommy, since you're off today, can we go to _________, do _________, make __________, see _________, spend money at _________???".... and the list goes on.

I just want to be lazy on Sundays. Is that so wrong? Here soon I will be working on Sundays (thanks to being a photographer and Christmas season coming up), so yeah, this Mommy just wants to stay in her pajamas and play on the computer, or watch TV....

Or sleep....

But then, whining kids aside (who apparently believe I crap money, because even if I didn't want to be lazy, I definitely don't have the money to do much of anything on my days off), I start to think about how I need to buy groceries, pay that online bill, clean out my car, get gas, make dinner....

It never ends, does it?

Typical Sunday conversation between my daughter and I, which yes, happens just about every Sunday:

"But Mooooommmmmmm, we're bored...."

"Boredom is a good thing, honey. It makes your brain grow..."

"That doesn't make sense, Mom. You just want to be lazy today."

"Yes, honey, Mommy does want to be lazy, but being bored means you have to use that thing in your brain called an imagination. The more you use your imagination, the bigger it grows. So, Mommy is helping you out by being lazy today."

"I know what an imagination is, Mom, but there's nothing to do."

"We can go to the grocery store later..."

"Sweet, can we get...???"

"No, we can't."

"But you didn't even let me ask for what I wanted."

"I know, honey, the answer is still no."

"Then I don't want to go to the grocery store."

"Fine then. If you are so bored and you want something to do, go clean your room."

At that point, my daughter gets a funny look on her face, disappears into the back of the apartment, and a little while later I hear her and her brother playing ninjas, or school, or building skyscrapers out of Legos.

Imagination kicks in real quick when there's work to be done, huh?

As for me, I need to make a grocery list, clip coupons, shower at some point...

Wait, is that an island oasis I see? Me, deserted beach, ice cold endless Bahama Mamas, the sun warming me while my feet are in the cool ocean water...

Ahh, imagination....

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Thursday, October 6, 2011

Apartment Love

Ahh, apartment life. Easy access to everything I need in town, an office with maintenance men to call whenever something breaks, a community pool during the summer, a dozen people piled into one apartment building with paper thin walls. Yep, apartment life.... SUCKS!!! My sister, kids and I live on the bottom floor, and because of that, I know the following things about my upstairs neighbors:

  1. They wake up precisely at 6:26 in the morning. How do I know this? Because their alarm began going off that early this morning. It's one of those annoying ones that goes 'Beep, beep', pauses, 'Beep beep', pauses... Thanks for the free wake up call and all, but this is NOT the Holiday Inn Express. I'm not due to wake up for another hour.
  2. They are HUGE music fans. I mean BIG. They start playing music at 9 in the morning (though it's 7:30 now and I'm hearing something from up there... no, wait... that's cartoons), and don't stop until 11 at night. BIG music fans. In fact, I should check and see if maybe Jay Z is the tenant upstairs, or maybe Eminem himself, because seriously, who blares music THAT loud for THAT long that isn't trying to promote themselves or make money off of it somehow.
  3. Around 2:30-3 o'clock in the afternoon they get really active, maybe because the kids get home from school around 3:30-4. I'm thinking there's either a spider on the ceiling they are jumping on the bed to try and kill with a shoe, or maybe it's some spiritual meeting, because every now and then I can hear 'Oh God'. But, whatever it is, it only lasts about 10 minutes... must not be that entertaining.
  4. I'm pretty sure they are training for a marathon, because they run from one end of the apartment to the other in the evenings, over and over again.
  5. They prefer to do laundry on the weekends, in the evening times. And whatever laundry detergent they use smells amazing. I must ask them sometime...
  6. Someone in that apartment takes a shower at the exact same time I do in the mornings. It always freaks me out for a second, because I think, 'Wait, if I take a shower now, my hot water will run out quicker.' Then I have to realize that each apartment has it's own water heater, so... yeah. I usually haven't had my coffee at that point in the morning.
  7. Dinner is usually around 6 at night, sometimes a little later, and because they keep their balcony door open, you know, so everyone can hear the music they are obviously promoting, when I'm sitting on my porch I all of a sudden start wondering if my sister has taken it upon herself to start cooking dinner. I get excited, because it smells amazing. Then, I head in to my apartment to find nothing cooking. Son of a.... fooled again.
  8. They enjoy action movies at night, you know, stuff with explosions, intense music, fight scenes. Either that, or they like to blow things up in their apartment. I'm gonna go with the TV making all those noises, though, to save myself an anonymous tip to a home security hotline.
  9. Every once in a while they invite either the 500 lb beared lady, Bigfoot, or a clown with big shoes, over. Like right now, it sounds like Bigfoot is helping them train for that marathon. Good gracious I hope it's soon, because they need to give it a rest.
  10. They don't argue much, in fact, I hardly ever hear them actually speak to themselves. I hear the kids every now and then, but as far as human to human conversation, there's barely any. Oh my gosh, it just hit me... they are robots...

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Sunday, October 2, 2011

To Vlog or Not to Vlog, That is the Question

Okay, Inklingers, I've been putting some thought recently into starting a Vlog for Inklings. Sometimes my craziness is just best seen rather than read, so it has made me wonder if vlogging would be a good asset to my blog.

What are your opinions on vlogging? Do you, as a blog reader, even bother to click on videos uploaded to your favorite blog? Do you prefer blogging to vlogging? For those that have a vlog, do you see that it adds to your blog at all? And, as my readers, would you even be interested in watching me spout off about things, true Tatted Mom style??

Can't wait to see your replies!!

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