Thursday, September 29, 2011
Forgiveness Isn't a Four Letter Word
This post, too, while great for anyone who comes across it, is meant more for women, as ladies, I will be speaking woman-to-woman to you all through it.
A few weeks ago my life fell apart. Everything that I thought I knew about my life went up in flames because of one simple carnal act (not on my part, to clear that up). What I was left with was feelings of hurt, betrayal, confusion and doubt, and with nothing to do, nothing keeping me in that town, I chose to leave it all behind and move back home with my family.
But first I tried to forgive. I tried very hard. Why? Because I loved the man I was with, mistakes happen, and I have one of the biggest hearts known to anyone. It wasn't hard... at first. Then, after a few days, the paranoia set in, the craziness, the severity of the situation settled in the back of my mind, the questions, the doubt... and, well, I lost it. After losing it, my next step is to run... now you know my grieving process....
In a very short amount of time, I processed everything in every way imaginable. I flipped this switch inside me and became the cold hearted bitch- not that I really was one, but that's what I had to show everyone on the outside. Inside I felt dead, like nothing would ever grow there again. I cried... a lot. I drank... a little because, well, my alcohol tolerance has gone way down in the past few months. I got angry and said exactly what was on my mind, no matter how hurtful or what the consequences could be of my words. I gave up. I gave in. I turned my back and walked away. I wondered what I had done wrong, what I could have done differently. That's when it hit me....
Ladies, why do we do this? Why is it that when something happens in our lives, we blame it on ourselves? You can't sit there and tell me you haven't done that before, even if whatever happened in your life was not under your control at all. We doubt, we wonder what it is that we did wrong, what we could have done differently to have a better outcome, what it is about us that made it happen, what can we change so it never happens again?
No, wait, before I continue on, just re-read that last line, please. Again. Okay again. Okay, now we can move on.
We women have this amazing tactic of taking all the blame for something, even if we didn't do a damn thing wrong. We figure that somewhere along the lines we screwed up, caused the ball to start rolling in the direction it did. Then... here's the big window into women's minds...
We doubt ourselves...
We start to wonder what we can change about ourselves to make it all better, or better in the future.
We wonder why we weren't "good enough" or "strong enough" to stop whatever it was that happened.
We sit at night and cry about everything, wondering how it all went wrong.
We wonder if it will ever happen again, and if anyone will ever love us again.
We ponder forgiveness.
Okay, DON'T stop that last one, and here's why...
Forgiveness is NOT for them, for the person that did you wrong. Forgiveness is NOT pretending like nothing ever happened, just to potentially be a doormat again. Forgiveness is NOT accepting defeat.
Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. Sometimes the scars left will always be visible, but that doesn't mean that you can never forgive. It just means that you have reminders of what you've been through and that you made it through it, stronger than ever.
Forgiveness is NOT pouring a bottle of raspberry vodka on bed sheets in a 50 gallon drum and setting them on fire... okay, maybe that helps with the healing process some... not that I did that or anything... no, never me...
Forgiveness is for YOU... A way for you to let go of the hurt, of the 30 million thoughts that run through your mind at any given second, to finally find peace in the situation as a whole, and to start over again in your life, whatever direction you choose.
Forgiveness is remembering that you are a strong, beautiful woman who did everything in her power to lead the life she wanted, and whether whatever happened is a speed bump or a brick wall in that life, you have the ability to rise above it and move on.
Forgiveness is picking yourself up, keeping in mind all of the things you have done right in your life, and to make a promise to yourself to continue to do those things and be true to yourself.
And forgiveness is the beginning of the rest of your life. Don't let one act, one moment in your life, define who you are for the rest of your years. Don't become a cynical, negative bag of damaged goods.
You'll know the moment forgiveness has begun, because you'll smile again, you'll remember who you are deep down inside, the beautiful woman that you are, and you'll start to live life again. Things will start happening for you, good things, amazing things, that show you that you are on the right path, and that the healing process has begun. As long as you hang on to the hurt and pain, that's all that will occur in your life, so let it go, free yourself to be everything you know you are.
And keep a bottle of raspberry vodka around, just in case, for many reasons. You never know when it'll come in handy...