I don't have flaws.
(Hey, HEY YOU- the one getting ready to click off the page because you think you've stumbled onto a selfish, egotistical personal blog- that's not what this is about, so keep reading; promise it gets better.)
Okay, so everyone has flaws, and I'm not immune to that or anything, but my flaws aren't deal breakers to normal people. Do I have you confused as hell yet? Yeah, it's what I do at first, but like always, I will explain with an amazing story.
So, last night Z and I sat down with our glasses of "wine" (yes, wine is in quotation marks because all we had in the house was cherry rum and kool aid, so we added a few drops of food coloring to make it darker, poured our mixed drinks into wine glasses and pretended- you can't say I don't have an amazing imagination, thank you), and I put the Truth Gun to her head, (my hand and fingers in a gun shape) and dropped a bomb on her. (Seriously, if you haven't watched the show- please do, it's amazing.) When the Truth Gun is pointed at your head, you have to tell the truth, no matter how hurtful it may be. Already a shot of rum and now a glass of "wine" in, with only having eaten 1 meal all day (have I covered before that my body shuts down in times of stress?), I was buzzing a little already, and knew that this would either be a horrible idea or an amazing one. So anyway, Truth Gun pointed at Z's head, I ask, "Seriously, what is wrong with me?" Her first answer, the one I call 'The Best Friend' answer, was, "Your choice in men." WRONG!!!! Don't give me that crap. I have the Truth Gun pointed at your head, so you have to tell me the truth, no matter how much it hurts, not what you think I want to hear.
When things go wrong in a relationship, and when it happens over and over again, you begin to analyze everything, and the wallowing-in-self-pity part of you eventually only sees one common denominator- yourself. That's when the *fun* thoughts of 'I'm going to be alone forever' and 'There must be something horribly wrong with me' start to creep in. You can either let them creep in, take over your life, and end up hiding in your closet, rocking back and forth, either making voodoo dolls (again with the voodoo dolls?) or drawing numbers all over the wall, claiming you found the mathematical equation for the secret to life, or you can tackle these thoughts head on (my advice is with someone who can be brutally honest with you- but only if you can handle the truth), and figure out what to do about them.
Now, back to the Truth Gun. Still pointed at Z's head, and me totally calling bullshit on her answer, she jumps up, and puts the Truth Gun to my head. "Okay, then, what do YOU think is wrong with you?" she asked. Nicely played, Z, nicely played.
Thus the conversation began. For a few hours this conversation went on, both of us coming up with flaws that I have, then analyzing them to see if they are deal breakers in a relationship. The only two relationships I had to analyze them against were my marriage and the guy I was seeing while we were separated- not much basis to go on there, seriously, but we worked with what we had. In my marriage, I tended to bottle my emotions and then explode over the stupidest, simplest things. Not something I did in the separated relationship- that guy and I fought all the time; it's the type of person he wanted, so I became that person. I never held stuff in with him, and eventually, after 'training' me that way, (and he did- when we first got to know each other, he saw that I let people walk all over me, and taught me how to fight- verbally and physically. He never let me walk away mad, which is what I did before he came along, and made me hit, punch, scream, let it all out so I didn't bottle it), he used it against me to say I started 'drama' in his life. Awesome, right? Anyway, so, I can be an emotional bottler. Flaw one. I have the whole Crazy Bitch aspect of my life, and have done some pretty insane things because of that, but it's only if I'm insecure and my buttons are pushed. When I'm in a healthy relationship, the Crazy Bitch never surfaces. But when she does, good gracious. Yeah, probably time to tame her a little. So, flaw two. I can be a bit lazy, but get things done when I need to. Flaw three? That one is debatable. I can be needy and clingy, a bit smothering, but only if that's what the person I'm with wants, or, if they are fighting me and the insecurity (Crazy Bitch) starts to come out. Flaw four? Again, debatable. And, I'm selfish. But seriously, who isn't? And even Z argued with me that I'm probably the most caring and giving person she knows, so I'm not even sure if that would be flaw five.
Even once we had pinpointed the flaws, neither one of us could figure out how any of them were big enough to be deal breakers in a relationship.
By this time, the "wine" was sitting quite nicely in both of us, so we upped the conversation a bit, because I felt we weren't looking at it correctly. My alcohol induced thinking suddenly had a major light bulb moment. Of course we couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, because I love myself and Z loves me. We needed to talk to someone who hated me, to find out why they hated me. I grabbed my phone, which Z quickly took away from me. Yeah, one of Z's jobs has always been my Bitch Filter, and while it was an amazing (alcohol induced) idea, she felt that since it was after midnight on the east coast, and could be something I'd regret the next morning, it would be best for us to just make a list of the people who hated me and figure out what their reasoning behind it would be. We came up with a list of 4 people, Inklingers- that's it. And of those 4 people, 1 person hates me because she's separated relationship guy's currentish
So, what you are trying to tell me is that I'm this genuinely good, no major deal breaker flaws, good personality, has a sense of humor, brave, strong woman who just has bad taste in men, and because of that continuously gets her heart broken?
For some reason, I couldn't last night, and still today, can't accept that answer. There HAS to be something about myself that I can work on to guarantee that this doesn't happen to me again. If it really isn't me, and it's the men I choose to love, then who's to say the next guy that comes along isn't going to break my heart, too, no matter how correctly I play my part in our relationship?
I'm sorry, but I just can't do it. I have to be me, and if that means getting my heart broken 1000 more times, I guess I'll have to put up with it. I refuse to have my past harden me into a bitter old woman, and I will continue to love people and care for them, within reason, from now on. The last few years of my life have taught me the difference between being appreciated and being used, so, I will continue to care and love as long as it's appreciated. The moment I feel like someone is taking advantage of me, I'm out. It's a promise I made to myself. That doesn't mean I won't still love them, or care for them in my heart, it just means I won't actively pursue that avenue if the person isn't willing to meet me half way.
So with that, we continued watching 'Cougar Town' until I slowly drifted into dreamland on the couch. But, I can't end the post here. I have to share the 'Truth Gun Shootout' with you all. Seriously, if you haven't watched this show, please do. It's amazing.