I've tossed around ideas for today's post that include everything from men to the big 'O', but I think today we are going to tackle a favorite subject of mine when it comes up in chatting with my girlfriends- being 'That Woman'. What does that even mean, you ask? Grab your cup of coffee or your vodka on the rocks, ladies, because today we're talking about being a Bitch!!
So much negativity is associated with a woman being called a Bitch, and I say it's time to stop that negative association. I myself have even been called not just a Bitch, but a Crazy Bitch numerous times in my life, and I embrace it. For one, Crazy Bitches always keep you guessing- sometimes in a good manner, sometimes a bad. But there's never a dull moment with a Crazy Bitch around. Two, it's a great excuse or scapegoat. 'Why the hell did she do/say that? Oh, yeah, 'cause she's a Crazy Bitch.' You can practically get away with murder sometimes. And, ladies, here's a third reason you may not know about. No matter if they want to admit it or not, men love Crazy Bitches. There's just something about a Crazy Bitch that will stick in a guy's head, even long after she's gone.
So let's back up a step, break down this taboo word, and learn to use it to our advantage, ladies. I've heard several acronyms for the word 'Bitch', and these are my favorite:
Being In Total Control of Herself
Beautiful Intelligent Talented Creative Honest
I seem to connect more with the first one, and it's through that acronym that I find a little bit of power, or justification behind my argument today. So many people associate the word 'Bitch' with this powerless, ruthless, man hating, frumpy, ugly, moody, always angry, never sees anything good in life, woman. Pish Tosh I say to that. Most of the strongest women I know or have ever met in my life are Bitches. They stand up for themselves and their family, they speak their mind, they don't let people trample all over them- they are the epitome of being a strong woman.
Think back now for me, to all of the women you have labeled a Bitch in your life. Now honestly look at them. Did you label them a Bitch because they were this horrible blood sucking vampire of a woman, or were some of the Bitch attributes you assigned them ones that could really be respected? Was it an old boss at work who constantly made you do paperwork you didn't want to do, or had the attitude of 'work, work, work'? Can't that be seen as a highly motivated, strong, independent woman who just wants the best of her workplace?
Now, notice I didn't capitalize 'bitch' in that last part. That's because by definition, all women who deal with men are bitches. My post today is about embracing your bitchiness and becoming a Bitch with a capital 'B'. For those that need a little help, here are my tips on becoming a Bitch:
- Stand up for yourself. This entails knowing who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly, and not compromising on that, period. If someone hurts your feelings, tell them. Don't let people walk all over you. If that means getting mouthy or telling someone off, do it. Screw it, right? You only have yourself to truly make happy, so do it!
- Stand up for your family and friends. Easy enough, especially when it comes to your kids. Don't let anyone say anything about your kids; that's always the straw that broke the camel's back with this Mama Bitch. You say something about my kids, be prepared for the consequences.
- Be prepared to fight. Most of the time, a Bitch only has to fight with words. Being a Crazy Bitch entails more (we'll get to that in a second), but to be a Bitch, you have to be willing to not only stand up for yourself and your family, but back it up. Speaking your mind and giving someone a good tongue lashing is definitely a characteristic of a Bitch.
- Be graceful. That can tend to be the hardest part of being a Bitch. You have to keep yourself composed, straight forward, and forceful. Sometimes, depending on the situation, emotions rise and you can find yourself getting out of control very quickly. That's not what being a Bitch is about (see acronym definition above); it's about staying in control. So, take a deep breath, center yourself, then flip the Bitch switch. The fact that you remain in control while being a Bitch will have people respecting you so much more than if you just go off, all ghetto-style, on someone.
- Be firm and consistent. Being a bitch is all about self confidence and strength. If you let something slide once, you start to compromise that image. So, in knowing yourself (#1), you have to know what you will let slide and what you won't, and the minute you decide to not tolerate something, don't compromise. Stick to it; it's important to you, and don't waiver.
- Use what you were given. Bitches are sexy. There's this aura around them of self confidence, power and mystery. So, do whatever it takes to keep that. Buy a push up bra, bat your eyelashes at a guy to get what you want; we're women first, and were given things like boobs, beautiful eyes, sexy legs, intriguing lips- why let them go to waste?
- Keep people guessing. However you decide to achieve this (more tips in the Crazy Bitch section below) is up to you, but it's important to keep that mystery about you. It's sometimes a balancing act, yes, between being consistent and keeping people on their toes, but once you start perfecting your Bitchiness, it comes easier.
- Don't nag or complain. Bitches are not nags; we don't repeat ourselves over and over again to get our point across. That's when you start becoming a bitch without the capital B. Bitches state their case firmly, confidently, use what we are given, and don't budge. If the message isn't getting across correctly, then we gracefully handle the situation with authority. It take some practice, but when it starts working, you'll be delightfully amazed.
So, let's say you've mastered the art of being a Bitch, and you want to take things up a notch. The next step is being a Crazy Bitch, and ladies, you are in luck. I happen to be an expert on being a Crazy Bitch, and would love to pass on my wisdom to you all! To be a Crazy Bitch, you must keep in mind the 8 things from above, on being a Bitch, and kick things up a bit:
- Know everything. I'm not talking about brushing up on Wikipedia. If you want to be a Crazy Bitch, you have to know everything about whatever it is you are aiming to be a Crazy Bitch about. Send out spies, hack into email accounts, track phone records. But don't ever reveal your sources. That could come back to bite you in the ass so much. Don't use the information you find for anything more than research- at first. If the need arises for you to use the information, then do so, without revealing your sources, and with caution. But knowing everything will keep people guessing, keep you in control of a situation, and if the time arises to use that information, you will get a bunch of, 'How the hell did she know that? She's a Crazy Bitch' to which you can smile.
- Remain the Steak. Umm, did she just tell me to be a piece of meat? Yep, sure did. There are two types of women in this world- Steak and Hamburger. Hamburger is great; does it's job of stopping hunger, can be used in multiple dishes, but let's face it- it's boring. Steak, on the other hand, not only stops hunger, but makes you feel all warm and squishy inside, like you're being a little devilish. It's not something people partake in everyday, but it's definitely something you look forward to. Ladies, be the Steak. And, why is this under the 'Crazy Bitch' section and not the 'Bitch' section? Because, remaining the steak is tough and takes a little bit of craziness to achieve. Dance in the rain with a ton of people watching, hang out of a sunroof topless on a deserted highway, send naughty pictures to your man at random points in a day; these are all things a Crazy Bitch does. And, keep them random. Just when they think you've turned into Hamburger, pull out the Steak, baby. I promise you, it will make an impression, in a good way, that lasts forever.
- Fight. A Bitch fights with words, a Crazy Bitch fights with words and whatever is laying within arms reach of them. I've caused quite a bit of damage before with a writing pen, a set of keys, and a butter knife. Now, we do need to take a step back for a second. I'm not advocating assault with a deadly weapon, or attempted murder here. This is more in terms of play fighting. Don't send anyone to the hospital, or head into a bar looking to slam the head of your enemy into a bar stool. That's just plain insane, and tips the scales out of your favor of remaining in control. A Crazy Bitch remains in control of a situation, and does some outlandish things to keep that mystery about her. So, if the play fighting is getting heavy, swing a pen at them; at worst you'll break a little skin, maybe leave a small scar, or leave a bruise that has the most beautiful colors in it. But, you'll achieve the keeping them guessing, the remaining a steak, and create a memory they won't ever forget (and possibly a scar to always remind them).
- Listen to a song. 'Crazy Bitch' by Buck Cherry. Yes, it's explicit, might be deemed 'vulgar', but it's my theme song. I won't post the lyrics here; I'll let those who are curious explore for themselves. But, make sure the kids aren't around, and seriously listen to the words. I love it, and it's great advice for claiming your 'Crazy Bitch' status!!
I say, it's time for all women to stand up and be a Bitch! Let's erase the negativity associated with the word, so when someone says, 'You're a bitch,' you can reply, 'Thank you.' or 'That's Crazy Bitch, to you.' Being a Bitch is all about being self confident, strong and creating mystery, so embrace it!
So ladies, now that you are sitting back thinking, 'Holy crap, this Bitch is Crazy' (thank you, by the way), it's time to hear from you all. I'd love to hear your opinion on my Bitch and Crazy Bitch tips, maybe some things you've done in the past to embrace your inner Bitch, or why you think being a Bitch isn't a good thing. Anything goes on Women's Talk Wednesday.