Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Hit List

I woke up this morning in a very interesting mood. Wouldn't quite say bad, but wouldn't say good; very much in need of coffee and for the kids to *not* have problems with shoe tying or hair or whatever outfit they chose to wear today- Strike 1, Strike 2, Strike 3. Damnit, I just need to go back to bed.

The kids made it to school, I'm 1/2 way into my cup of coffee, and for some reason, all that's running through my head this morning is my Hit List- not my favorite songs or shows or movies, not the blogs I have to go read each day, but a bonafide Hit List- who or what I would take out if I had the money and the means (and no paper trail, of course).

Yeah, like I said, one of those mornings. So, I will not try to tame the beast that is screaming in my head this morning. I will succumb to it's will, and share with you all my current Hit List (please don't use this against me as evidence in a court of law....)

  1. Zombie Kitty. Yeah, I said it. Now, I would never hurt any animal, especially not Zombie Kitty, but she is on the top of another Hit list of mine (called the SHit list...). The last oh, I don't know, 9-12 inches of the bottom of my Christmas tree has no ornaments on it. The back branches are touching the floor, the red tree skirt is a good 3 feet from the tree, and the bottom string of lights is laying on the floor. So yes, Zombie Kitty is on my Hit List, has been since we put the tree up on Sunday. And my method of taking her out? Water gun and broom. The water gun proves to be quite effective, but she isn't as threatened by it. The broom? She hates it. I will keep both within arm's reach today. Zombie Kitty, you are going down....
  2. Arizona's Weather. I'm not exactly sure how to go about this hit. I mean, it's the weather. This one will definitely take some proper planning and execution. Why do I want to take the weather out? Because I'm confused by it here; majorly confused. I've only lived in Arizona for about 2 months now. I was told it was hot during the day, cold at night, even in the winter. WRONG! It's cold at night, yes, but it's been cold during the day, too. I don't like cold. That's a reason why I moved to Arizona. And, I about had a heart attack yesterday because I thought I saw snow flurries outside. Oh HELL no, Arizona, don't you snow on me, damnit. I hate snow. Come to find out the 'flurries' were just dandelion fluff floating through the air, so, we're all good on that one for now, but if this weather keeps up, I'm going to have to take the weather out... Somehow...I'll figure it out.
  3. Bill Collectors. I've mentioned before that I used to own a store; not an online store, but a legit brick-and-mortar store. It stayed open for about 3 years, then plummeted quickly over a year ago due to some bad business decisions on my part. What it left me with was debt, and a LOT of it. I have chosen to go the route of not paying the debt because, well, I can't- it's too large and even if I had a full time job, if every paycheck of mine went to pay off this debt, I'd be working for like a year or two straight just for the bills. I've told many of the bill collectors this; that I'm unemployed, have no way to pay them, they've noted my account, and still bother me. What's worse is they are all on the east coast, and as my cell number is still an east coast number, they call me at like 6 am my time, not knowing I'm now 2 hours behind them. Thank goodness I turn my phone off at night, but geeze- voicemails as soon as I turn it on are annoying as hell. You'd think after over a year of this they'd write me off as a lost cause. No such luck. And the funny thing in all of this? When I do talk to one of them, they tell me that they have no choice but to take higher measures that will go on my credit report. I've been running from you and several others for over a year now; I have no credit report anymore. Have you ever seen that commercial about the 3 credit scores represented by 3 guys- two are strong, good looking and positive, and then there's the one wearing the hockey mask who keeps poking himself in the face because he's a dumbass? Yeah, that's my credit score- all 3 of them. Only, mine now has to wear a helmet, and is standing at a glass door licking it, mumbling something about Snozzberries. So, bill collectors, quit calling. It's useless. I've come to terms with my glass-licking credit score. We keep him in a cage for his own safety and let him out for a few hours a day to play with his finger paints and rip heads off Barbies. It's cool.
  4. The Term Being 'Overqualified'. I have applied for jobs since we've moved here. Not something I've wanted to do, but it's been necessary. I'm only looking for part time, though; something with little to no responsibility, maybe a door greeter at a discount store or a cashier somewhere. You want to know what feedback I've received thus far? I'm 'overqualified' for those positions because I have 5+ years in retail management, including having run my own business. Okay, so what? Oh, you aren't hiring for a store manager, so, because I have management experience my application for the part-time sales associate gets passed over? WTF?? You know what that says to me? Someone higher up, unfortunately the someone who makes the decision of whether or not to hire me, is threatened. They don't want a little ol' sales girl who works 10 hours a week but has the knowledge to run the store, coming in and working her way up, huh? You want to be able to sit back on your ass, do as little as possible, and still collect your salary with benefits, huh? Puh-lease. With the state of the economy the way it is, everyone looking for a job is overqualified nowadays. So, go, hire that 16 year old with no retail experience whatsoever, who could possibly steal from your register, piss customers off and who you constantly have to explain how to do things. Pass up on a seasoned sales person who knows how to think for herself and knows how to play the retail game, because she's 'overqualified'. Morons. I might move this one to the #1 position....
  5. My Ass. Yep, I'm putting parts of myself on my own hit list. How mascochistic of me, huh? My ass and my tummy pooch gotta go. Well, maybe not so much my ass... I kinda like it. But the cellulite? Yeah, we're doing something about you. This is probably the only thing on my Hit List I truly have control over, and can take out myself. No hiding in the shadows, no secret covert operations, I'm attacking you two head on, dual-style. Oh, don't worry, I have secret weapons that you won't see coming; water, green tea, 2-3 servings of low-fat dairy products a day (helps tummy bulge), yoga. Once I finish planning my attack, gather up the motivation, I will come slap you in the face with a glove to let you know 'It's on.' And, my goal is to have you two gone by my birthday in January. I'll be 30... um, I mean, 25... why would I say 30? That's just crazy talk.... and I will not be entering another decade with you two hanging around. So, be prepared to be eliminated...
Don't get me wrong, there are actual people on my Hit List, but that could definitely be used against me in a court of law......

On a lighter note, as of posting this, I'm only 6 followers away from my first wish being fulfilled. Yay!! Here's to doing some blog hops today.....

Obviously MARvelous


  1. Try 2 followers away now! I'm so excited!!! Y'all rock!!!

  2. Okay I been jumping around reading blogs like a fertile rabbit on caffeine and I get here and you are so in my head with your take on life. OMG, I can't tell my family there are two of us and one is in Arizona. your place here.

  3. Oh, I feel you and your hit list today!

    As for the cellulite, I just hit 40 (joyously) and I'm assigning pet names to mine - the area on my right leg where hip meets thigh? That's mac and cheese. The flabby part on my upper arm that subbornly refuses to go away? I'm calling those the unskinny cows. (If you haven't tried Skinny Cow ice cream novelties? OMG - you totally have to!)

  4. My MY my oldest has really grown up a lot more. I've read a lot of this and it's funny and good. Love you Dad

  5. AHHHHHH!! My dad found my blog. o.O

    Glad to make you proud, dad. =)

  6. Really good post! New follower...hope you made your goal!

  7. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Following you your site! :-)


  8. Hi there! blog hopping...thanks for following me!