Job Description: This person will be responsible for following me around and making sure I don't do or say anything too bitchy this holiday season. We can discuss, in the interview process, what your methods of being my Bitch Filter would be, but I am not opposed to such techniques as:
- Niceness (I really don't think that ramming that lady's car because she stole your parking spot is a great idea. How about we just go down the next aisle and see if there's a spot open?)
- Being stern (Do NOT flip that old man off!),
- Unnecessary ego stroking (Yes, it was horribly wrong for that woman to take the last carton of eggnog that you were clearly going to buy. It was your carton of eggnog, yes, I agree. But, maybe, instead of going and grabbing it out of her shopping cart when she isn't looking, think of it as your Christmas present to her this year. She's clearly not as beautiful as you, or as intelligent, and maybe she's going to add rum to it and just drink her sorrows away this Christmas while you are enjoying yours with your wonderful family.)
- Being a bitch on my behalf (No, you watch the road since you are driving; I'll roll down the window and tell that teenager that cut you off to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.).
Job hours are long, possibly 24 hours a day, though you should be able to get a break while I'm sleeping (not a guarantee, though, with me). Position involves going out with me for simple errands, especially the post office and grocery store, in depth holiday shopping, and sitting next to me while I'm on the phone with friends, family, bill collectors, etc. Overtime will need to be pulled when I'm drinking, wake up in a bad mood, don't win an auction on ebay I needed, when hubby has weekend duty, when there's a lady in front of me in a long line at the checkout on her cell phone and another register opens up and the cashier tries to get her attention but she's too busy on her cell phone to pay attention and I decide to cut in front of her in line because she's annoying me (HUGE pet peeve of mine, and has actually occurred already), or when it just seems like the whole world is out to make me a bitch that day.
When in full Bitch Filter job mode, it might be necessary, and required of you, to steal my phone so I don't call or text bitchy things, block my Facebook so I don't post a bitchy status, and keep me from getting into my email to send a bitchy message. Now, you should know that I am a Sneaky Bitch, so even if we made it through a bitchy moment, and you think you are in the clear, you probably aren't.
- At least 1 year experience working with a bitch; yes, bitchy bosses, coworkers, in-laws, mothers, sisters, teachers, best friends, cousins, and neighbors all count as experience.
- Not easily embarrassed, for the occasions you don't quite make it in time as my Bitch Filter and I flip the Bitch Switch on in public
- The ability to think quickly and act quickly under pressure; my Bitch Switch gets flipped quite quickly, especially during the holiday season
- Being comfortable with physical contact; sometimes I just need to be smacked upside the head as you see the Bitch Switch flipping on. If you can't smack a bitch, then no job, sorry.
- A current bitch yourself, or having been a bitch in the past. I feel I can relate more to bitches, so being one yourself might be helpful in dealing with me.
As stated in the beginning, permanent job placement is possible, pending your performance as my Holiday Bitch Filter. I have no problem being a bitch under normal circumstances, but I've been told (and given evil stares more in recent history) that I'm overly bitchy right now, so the position is definitely needed through the holiday season. We'll re-evaluate in January for possible permanent placement.