Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Helga, The Fashion Fairy's Disgruntled Cousin

I'm sure everyone has heard of the Underwear Gnomes- especially those of us with smaller children. These sneaky creatures venture into your child's room at night and steal their underwear. As the months go by, you seriously start to wonder whether Alzheimer's has officially kicked in (I coulda sworn my son had 3 pairs of Batman underoos and 3 Spidermans- why does he only have 2 Batmans and 1 Spiderman now??). Don't question your sanity- it's the Underwear Gnomes. Cheeky little things they are.

And of course we all have fallen victim to the Sock Monster that lives in the washer and dryer. Yes, you did buy a pair of polka dotted toe socks, but, the Sock Monster loves polka dots- or is it toe socks he hankers for? Either way, you now have one polka dotted toe sock, which, if you're feeling adventurous, means you can wear with the one striped slipper sock he left you with last week. Sheesh.

You can't forget the Keys Bandit, as well. I haven't yet figured out exactly what type of creature the Keys Bandit is- most likely a mischevious little fairy who has the strength to take your keys out of your purse, open the fridge door, and place your keys there on the top shelf. It might be time for some night surveillance to catch the Keys Bandit in action.

Of the *wonderful* (yes, sarcasm is an amazing thing) household critters that make our lives just a little more difficult, every once in a while you get visited by an awesome one- The Fashion Fairy, as I like to call her. She sneaks into your closet at night and finds that favorite shirt of yours you haven't seen in months, or, more to my liking, goes in and makes those jeans you haven't been able to wear in years magically fit. Ahh, visits from the Fashion Fairy are amazing. She generally comes around when you start eating a little healthier, or start an exercise routine, or are so busy and stressed you forget to eat. But, whenever she decides to visit you, it's a wonderful feeling.

Unfortunately, the Fashion Fairy has not graced me with her presence. Instead, I've been visited by Helga, the Fashion Fairy's Disgruntled Cousin. She does the exact opposite of her adored family member- she sneaks into your closet at night and hides that favorite shirt of yours, or decides to replace all your jeans with the exact same type, brand and cut, only a size smaller. She is the reason we have to reach into the back of the closet, or drawer, and pull out those 'fat pants' (everyone has them) for a few days, weeks, or months. Her busiest time of year is starting now- Halloween to New Year's, and, she's decided to hit me earlier than usual. Grr....

A little background... For the past 3 years I was a tattoo artist, and lived on Fast Food Lane. I worked 12+ hour shifts 5-6 days a week, was known to have 2-3 fast food meals a day, usually the last one after midnight at a waffley, pancakey 24 hour restaurant. Through all of that, I would fluctuate about 10 pounds depending on my emotional stress level (get stressed, don't eat- it's how I've always been), but at the height of my stress level (around this time last year, into the first part of this year), I hit the rock bottom of what was deemed 'a healthy weight' for me. Skin and bones, I was even disgusted with how I looked. So, I started putting my life back together, made better decisions to eliminate my stress level, which eventually led me down the path of my husband and I getting back together and moving 2000 miles away from everything. Throughout the week-long drive cross-country, we ate twice a day at restaurants (a step up from the fast food lifestyle I'd grown accustomed to), and when we arrived at our destination, I revisited my role in the kitchen, a place I really hadn't been in years. I had gained about 5-10 pounds during our trip, but I figured getting back to cooking with fresh ingredients, wholesome meals, again, would fix that all in itself, and I would drop the weight.

That was a month ago, so I'm beginning to think my hypothesis was incorrect....

At the moment, I'm stuck. I gave away all of my 'fat pants' when I dropped the weight earlier this year, so, now my visits from Helga just downright frustrate me. I think I'm down to 2, maybe 3 pairs of jeans that are comfortable (one's missing the main button on them), and I have to say I'm just plain confused. I studied nutrition, came up with an amazing plan after my son was born that helped me lose 20 pounds in 30 days- but I counted every single calorie, fat gram, carb gram, kept a journal of what I ate, and exercised 5 days a week. I seriously don't have the motivation to go there again, and my basic understanding of nutrition has me going 'WTH' with my current life. Here's the equation for you:

Only Fast Food + All the Time= 10 pound weight fluctuations to the good and bad 

Healthy Cooked Meals + All of the Time - Any Fast Food = No weight fluctuation, but no weight loss, either

Wait, is this that 'ideal weight' I've heard about? Maybe that's what I've hit. But, no, when you hear 'Ideal Weight', aren't you supposed to be like, amazing looking, when you hit that? No cellulite, perky boobs, stretch marks disappear? That's what I always thought. If this is my 'ideal weight' then me and my body need to have a serious talk.

So, I guess now, to avoid further visits from Helga, the Fashion Fairy's Disgruntled Cousin, and get back in the good graces of her family member, I need to start exercising. Yoga was always my preferred method- guess I should dust off those DVDs and get started. I wonder, though, how many calories I'd burn if I went on a hunt for the Underwear Gnomes, the Sock Monster, the Keys Bandit, and Helga. I'm talking, Mission-Impossible style manhunt. Hmmm, definitely something to think about.

1 comment:

  1. Helga has been plaguing me recently as well. Ever since having a baby, none of my old clothes fit right, and I am still wearing a lot of maternity wear 6 months later.

    Yoga is in my future plans too. I thing my local hospital offers Mommy and Baby yoga classes.

    Good luck!