It all started in 2010 when I advertised for the position of my personal Holiday Bitch Filter. In 2011, I launched the seasonal Stick Removal R Us business in New Holiday Service Available, because I was tired of dealing with people with sticks up their asses when I ventured outside to do my happy shopping. Last year, I went looking for someone to fill the roll as Tatted Mom's Brain for the holiday season.
This year, God help us all with my current job need.
This person will pretty much deal with the outside world for me, and filter out all of the bullshit, shifting naughty scenarios to nice ones, thus keeping me from going on a candy cane vodka drinking binge this year.
Specific job duties include:
- Checking the mail. Nothing pisses me off more than running to the mailbox and not finding that gift I ordered 3 effing weeks ago in it. The shipping window was over 2 days ago, where in the hell is my kid's ninja hoodie, dammit? So, as my Naughty-to-Nice Shifter, you will check the mail for me, hunt down the mailman, if necessary, and definitely send nasty emails to the company that did not have the gummy bear scented body spray to me in a timely fashion, so I can remain blissfully ignorant and in a nice mood.
- Monitoring all online forums. I am a member of a lot of online mom groups- some local, most are not local. I can only see the post, "Hey, does anyone know what time Target closes?" a certain number of times before I want to do something naughty like type out, "It took you longer to type out that damn question and wait for an answer than it does to just go to Target's website and effing look yourself," gouge my eyes out with pencils, stab the 17th person who asked that in a 24 hour period, and inevitably get banned from that group forever. So, your job would be to monitor